New Years

Happy 2016. Another long day here of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. One thing though. I've realized that my tolerance for salt, sugar and junk food is gone. I abused my system for so long that it eventually gives out. Now tiny amounts make my symptoms worse.

Will I go out tonight? Depends on trying to stay grounded. We'll see.

Have fun.

Almost New Years

Happy early 2016. It's 6:05 p.m. as we write this. Which means at about 8 am tomorrow morning, the New Year party starts. Having fun in your part of the world? Here, the past week has been a real struggle to try and deal with symptoms and exhaustion (among other things).

What's the hardest symptom to deal with? Right now, dissociating and adrenalin surges. Also, flashbacks to how severe my trauma history has been. I went to my GP today, and we talked about the role diet plays in my heart disease and trauma symptoms. Over Xmas I didn't think I overdid it on the holiday snacks. But I ended up putting on ten pounds in two days. Now I'm starting to lose it. But this also makes me realize that my tolerance for sugar and salt is gone. For a really long time, I was poisoning my system with way too much salt, sugar and caffeine. Which means that eventually your system gives out. It took me a year-and-a-half to detoxify from caffeine abuse (call it what it was). Now, tiny amounts of salt and sugar cause all kinds of problems.

Salt and sugar are stimulants. They affect your nervous system and liver (among other things). The longer you abuse, the longer it takes to heal?

I still have dissociative blackouts. In the past the pain was so bad that I would black out. Then you wake up and have no idea of where you are, and why it happened. Your system can only take so much before you shut down.

Dealing with adrenalin surges takes a lot of focus. If you're not careful, it feels like you have no control over your chi flow. Now, fight that every day all day long (in addition to everything else you're dealing with).

Do I want to hurt myself or anyone else? No. Also, many of my psychosis symptoms are gone now. Due to what? Medication? I think it's just due to not giving up and killing myself a long time ago. I still have lots of symptoms to deal with. But now I'm not scared to open my front door at night.

How do you protect yourself from dangerous triggering stuff? We just screen everything. Today is a really high triggering day (like a really bad smog alert). You can't stop everything. But you have to protect yourself.

I don't want to die.
I don't want to hurt myself, or anyone else.
I have to protect myself, my multiples and my little kid.

Have fun and stay well.

Xmas Stuff

A global Happy Xmas to our vast and loyal audience. I'm not sure who all of you are. But thanks for the ongoing support.

The shopping is done. The cooking for today is done. Now, we just want some peace and quiet. We can't solve all of the world's problems. But we are aware, and realize that your well being comes first.

We still have symptoms and blackouts. Then again, you do your best.

Have fun.

Trying to Not Black Out

Do you still have dissociative blackouts? My multiples haven't lashed out in a long time. But it still happens. Symptoms are still there.  And exhaustion.

We just want to feel safe.

Holiday Stuff

Finally finished the Xmas shopping. Now, some more for me. But through it all, fighting symptoms and exhaustion.

We're just trying to keep some sense of being grounded.

Trying to Face Pain

Every day you struggle with symptoms. You try to face your trauma history as best you can, without hurting yourself. You get bombarded with sick and twisted thoughts. But you know you're not a sociopath. You're not gay, bi, or into bestiality or necrophilia. You're just trying to protect yourself.

I don't want to dissociate and vanish. I don't want to not know where I am and not care. For a long time, practically nobody cared or listened. I feel at times like I've had to do everything myself.

I've never had a day without symptoms or pain. Going back to lots of pain meds or anti-depressants? No thanks.

You just want to feel safe.

You Can't Do It All By Yourself

There's one thing that many trauma survivors have in common. The need to try and save the world so they can escape their pain. If you could, that's one thing. But in reality, your well being comes first.

Health is holistic (physical and mental). I fight my symptoms every day to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Why? Because I don't have a choice. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Unchecked violent dissociating was a survival tool for a long time. At least I thought it was. In reality, it was just the opposite. Now, I fight to not dissociate. I don't want to disappear and not know where I am. This means that at times I have to search all over my apartment to make sure that there's no one else there. There's no one under the bed. There's no one on the other side of the bed. There's no one hiding in the closet who wants to rape me and then kill me.

Even though there's no one actually there, that doesn't matter. You HAVE to check to make sure you're safe.

In the past week I've had one nightmare. The rest of the time, no dreams at all. Is that a bad sign, or just a break?

Unless I have no chi or chest pain, I try to do as much exercise as possible every day. Many times after that, I can barely move. Does it give some relief from adrenalin surges and other pain? Sometimes. Despite that, I still have to focus to try and have a smooth chi flow. Sometimes I spend the whole day fighting to try and reach that.

I don't want to go back to binge alcoholism. I don't want to go back to binging on junk food. Lots of salt and sugar are stimulants that make it worse.

All for now.

Trying to Stay Grounded

Another trip to the food bank, and aside from the helpful food, some other contacts (in case they're needed).   It's my journalism background. Always maintain your sources, because you WILL need them. Now, some time back home to try and have some sense of being grounded.

Your intuition isn't always right. But mine's doing pretty well. That being said, you still have to fight to not dissociate. You scream and try to get anger out. At the same time, you try not to black out.

Pain is all over. I don't want to go back to lots of pain meds, which would mean more addictions. Is there a holistic way instead?

Back to more.

Chronic Exhaustion

Another day of fighting symptoms. You try to be aware of many things (diet, sleep and others). But even with all of that, you still can't just sit and do nothing. It's like if you do, you fall apart. You have to protect your well being. You're bombarded with weird thoughts that come out of nowhere. Despite that, you have to  fight to keep some sense of being grounded.

I'm not abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are equal to the severity of your trauma history.

How Are You Coping?

Finally got the Xmas gifts done. Now, the lights and some more shopping for me. Symptoms are in real extremes. One minute you feel like you can focus. then, you have to fight to not dissociate. It's like a migrane that never goes away. If you don't fight to keep some sense of being grounded, you'll fall apart. You don't have a choice.

You can't protect yourself from all triggering stuff. But we try to set boundaries as best we can. Nobody else will protect us. Do we still have psychosis symptoms? At times. But we try to stick to we're not psychotic. We're not a sociopath. But it's still exhausting.

Can we save the world from all of the evil nasty people out there? No. But we try to be aware. Also, that your well being comes first.

Ho do you cope with the horrible cruel people out there? Do you struggle at times and ask, can I trust anybody? Is everybody lying to me? My intuition isn't always right. But I try to trust it as much as possible.

Stay well.

Lots of Pain

You fight really hard to not scream and black out from flashbacks and other pain. You have flash cuts of being tortured and nobody helps you. You can't go thru a day without being bombarded with pain all day long.
Circulation pain, anal pain, testicular pain. It never stops.

Then again, it has to come out.

Shut Everything Off

Got some shopping done today. After that, it was back home and fight to not dissociate. Walk around and hold solid things in your hands. How does the carpet feel? No TV, no radio, no threatening stimulus. Protect yourself at all costs.

This week, I'll try to get in to see one of my doctors about my chi level going down. I don't want to end up on lots of pain meds, and then potentially have severe addictions again. The first time was horrible enough.

Stay well.

Don't Fall Apart

More circulation pain and fighting to not black out. My chi flow is varying a lot. Even if you walk a lot and try to massage your legs to feel better, many times that doesn't work. But, what else can you do?

Weird thoughts come out of nowhere. I don't want to violently dissociate and disappear. It's like the essence of what makes you you disappears. Then what happens? You have to fight to not fall apart.

It's not my fault
I did nothing wrong
My multiples, little kid and I did nothing wrong
We're not a danger to anybody
You have to fight back
You can't just sit back and do nothing
I don't want to violently dissociate and make the pain worse

How do you cope?

Low Energy and Circulation Pain

More low chi flow today. Also, more circulation pain (especially in my legs). It's like your leg is on fire, and you HAVE to try and walk immediately. Is this because my cardiomyopathy is getting worse? No answers so far, other than this is common for heart patients.

It's a real struggle to focus.

No Energy Today

Another day of battling symptoms. It's much harder because today there's no chi flow. My appetite's also gone down a lot. I talked to my cardiologist about this, and he says it's not a dangerous sign of your cardiomyopathy getting worse. But it is frustrating feeling like you can barely eat anything.

Protect yourself.

Appointments and Pain

Went to see the psychiatrist today. In some ways, it was a little easier to focus and talk about many of my concerns. I still have my symptoms and scream in pain many times during the day. It's like all of the pain in your trauma history floods out all at once. You have to focus really hard to try and not black out. What happens if you did black out? Would I die? Would I never come back to what's painful reality? I don't know.

Right now, I have my little kid and 25 personalities. Every mental health support person that I've talked to say the same thing. The fact that scary and sick thoughts bother you proves that you're not a sociopath. We also talked about psychosis symptoms. Is it possible to have severe PTSD and NOT be psychotic? Yes. The psychotic symptoms still happen at times:

Paranoid thoughts about people following me
People trying to break in and kill me
Hallucinations

Do you have moments of clarity as you struggle with your symptoms? We do. When they happen, it's scary because you feel paralyzed. You don't know what to do. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. What do you do?

Can I save the world from all of the horrible people out there? No, I can't. But I will protect myself. You have to set boundaries. But you already knew that.

Stay well.

Paralyzed with Pain

You try to fight symptoms and keep some sense of being grounded. Yet at times you're bombarded with pain, and don't know what to do.

What do you do to try and deal with it?

How are Your Holidays?

How's the weekend? Here, we've been trying to keep up with rest from battling symptoms all day long. I'm lucky if I get 2-3 hours of sleep a night. Then, you seat breakfast and rest until you have enough energy to face your day.

I'm still trying to keep my diet balanced. My tolerance for junk is just shot. That doesn't mean I'm totally salt and sugar free. I'm not rich enough to eat 100% organic every day. But you know there's a difference.

How do you protect yourself from horribly triggering stuff and people? I don't have control over them. But I will set boundaries to protect myself. Just because I'm on some social media platform doesn't mean that the entire world is entitled to know everything about me. You have to protect yourself.

Violent dissociating is still one of the toughest problems to deal with. On bad days, it feels like a migrane that won't go away. You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back. Then, at the end of the day you can barely walk.

But you have no other choice.

What's on right now? The TV is, with the sound turned down. A nice John McLauglin You Tube clip is on as I write. Sometimes I want peace and quiet. I don't want to be bombarded with pain.

I just want to feel safe.

Struggle to Not Black Out

When was the last time we got any sleep? We can't remember. Nightmares still happen, and even after you try to go back to sleep they still happen.

Dissociating is still one of the most exhausting symptoms to deal with. We have psychotic thoughts at times. When we do, you have to fight really hard to not fall apart. Because you don't have a choice.

More appointments tomorrow.

Protect Yourself

Fighting symptoms and doing our best on a fixed income. It's not just seniors who struggle. We've had to start going to food banks to help cover our food budget each month. Do I pay for my food or my medication? That keeps happening.

We're really exhausted from non stop fighting to not dissociate. But what else can you do?

I Have No Death Wish (contains potentially triggering stuff. Read at your own risk)

Another day of fighting symptoms and feeling exhausted most of the time. My niece will be in the psych hospital for a while, and hopefully getting the proper help. Despite that, I still have flashbacks to when I was in one by mistake.

Nobody supported me in any way
Not all, but many of the staff there were sadistic
When I got out, nobody acknowledged me in any way

Do you care that I'm alive? If I jumped out the window and killed myself, would you care? I can't control other people, but I will protect myself from their cruelty.

How is your symptom struggle? The urge to violently dissociate is still there. I don't want to disappear and not know where I am. Binge alcoholism? No. Instead of some Twelve Step approach, I use a holistic health one instead.

I've always tried to face my trauma history in the most non threatening way I can. Psychologically, I believe that's the healthiest thing to do. Do I want to go back to lots of meds? No. I'm up to almost ten a day now. Yes, like my psychiatrist says, not using meds is the tougher way to go. But I think it helps you to deal with your anger and other problems as well.

Why are so many people cruel? I don't know. But I WILL protect myself.

Burnout

Went to see my niece who's in the psych hospital, along with others in the immediate family (whatever that means). I tried to be supportive, but at the same thing I'm really struggling with anger. Nobody supported me when I was in the hospital. All I heard was "it'll be a good learning experience for you" (this is from a psychiatrist). Nobody gave me reassurance in any way. And now I'm supposed to drop everything and support her?

I really don't want to snap and turn into some burned out cynical monster. In the meantime, fighting symptoms is really exhausting. Much of the time I just turn everything off and lie down. We have to protect ourselves.

We just want to feel safe.

A Draining Fight

Sorry for not posting the past few days. I've been really exhausted battling symptoms. Dissociating is still one of the hardest ones to deal with. It's like an endless cycle. The pressure builds, and you try to not fall into it. Then, you have a second of relief. After that, it starts again. Add to that everything else.

Can I go out? Yes. But every time I do, I have to have an escape plan , in case the worst happens. How do I safely get out of this place without attacking or killing someone? In really crowded places, it feels at times like everything is magnified to the millionth degree. Sights, sounds, colors, scary faces that trigger other flashbacks to horrible people. Everything is connected.

I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to torture, rape and kill little kids. The thoughts are there. But I'm not a sick sociopath. I won't do that. Pedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality; no thanks. Every day those thoughts come up.

I'm not insane. But they keep happening.

Torture flashbacks still happen. Where's the line between being psychotic and psychosis symptoms? You scream and fight to not fall apart. Is anybody paying attention?

My niece is going into a psych hospital to hopefully get the proper help. When I was in one, nobody supported me in any way. I'm trying hard to not turn into some cynical monster who doesn't care about anything.

Nobody helped me.
Nobody listened.
Nobody gave me any reassuring hug at all.

Now I'm supposed to instantly be available any time for her?

You fight non stop to get anger and more out. Many times you're this close to blacking out. You don't want to fall apart because, nobody will help you.

We're not bad in anyway. It's not our fault. Yet, nobody wants to admit that we exist.

What else can we do?

Protect Yourself

You can't stop all triggering stuff. But you can do your best to try and protect yourself. The  triggering level is really high right now. Which means you have to protect yourself.

All symptoms are still there. Dissociating is still scary to try and face. I don't want to literally disappear and have no idea of where I am. Days with severe anger still happen. You try to not snap and black out. But you have to face it as best you can.

I'm not a threat to anyone. I just want to feel safe.

Don't Black Out

Went to the cardiologist yesterday. The good news is I don't have to add any more meds to what I'm taking (when necessary, 10). But I still have to fight symptoms all the time to not black out. The severity of your symptoms is equal to the pain of your trauma history.

At times you want to scream and fight to not snap in two. I don't want to dissociate and disappear. It's like non stop pain (despite trying to ground yourself). Then again, it has to come out.

You have to protect yourself.

Symptoms and Appointments

Tomorrow it's back to the cardiologist. I have lots of questions that are related to both my trauma history and heart disease. In the meantime, more exhaustion in trying not to dissociate and blackout.

It's scary at times to face how horrible severe my symptoms have been. Also, how I've had to do almost everything myself to fight back and not just die from terror.

I don't want to fall apart.

Don't Snap in Two

My niece is starting to show more responses. As for me, I'm fighting really hard to not literally black out and snap. Fighting to not dissociate, and you can literally move.

I just want to rest.

Don't Dissociate

No change in my niece's condition. I just try to focus on that she'll be all right. Besides, I have my own health problems to deal with.

No matter what, don't dissociate. The reality of how severe my symptoms have been and continue to be still happens. Where's the line between being psychotic and psychosis? I just don't want to fall apart.

Three more appointments tomorrow.

Breaks, Suicide and More (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Yes, it's been a long break. What kept us offline? The govt. cracking down on our content? No. Instead, upgrading from windows 8.1 to 10. Then, horrible stuff.

One of my nieces tried to kill herself. She's been in the hospital for almost a week now, and what's her condition? At first, she was barely conscious. Then, she was brain dead for a short time. Now, she's still in a coma, but there is some brain activity. Not to the point yet of her being conscious.

What caused this? I don't know. I really don't like to psychoanalyze people from a distance. But while I'm happy that she's improving, there's also lots of anger as well.

Once I admitted myself into a psych ward. I thought I was suicidal. Instead, I was just depressed. It took me three days to literally fight my way out of there. At no time did anyone in my immediate family (whatever that means) show any support in any way.

I really don't want to fall into a trap of being angry, burned out and saying fuck this. She's in the hospital and gets all kinds of support. I was in a hospital, and NOBODY supported me. So why should I give a fuck about her?

I really try to stick to health being physical and emotional. I still struggle with anger that will make me almost snap in two. If it doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others.

Unless your someone's parent, teacher or boss, you can't make them do anything. I can't make people want to listen to my trauma history. i can't make them instantly show some sort of empathy. Despite that, I'm still a trauma survivor that struggles to be heard. And not eaten alive by despair and abandonment.

Feel free to post your thoughts.

Flashbacks, Exhaustion and More

More rough days of fighting symptoms and trying not to black out. You feel like you're going to snap, but you can't. At the end of the day, you feel like you can't do anything. But what else can you do?

Struggling to Not Dissociate

I don't want to fall into endless dissociating and not care where I am. It's a constant battle to not fall apart. You don't have a choice. You have to fight back.

Really exhausted.

A Low Energy Kind of Day

A rough start today with almost no energy. I had more appointments to go to, and more tomorrow as well. The good news? I don't have arthritis, broken bones or some other bone disease. But we'll see what happens after these new tests.

It's scary opening your eyes in the morning and not being able to move. You have to focus really hard to try and have some sense of being grounded. Pain still happens, and at times you can barely do anything. But it's all connected. Yes, you have to take meds. Aside from that, you have to have an overall view.

You just want to have a sense of balance.

Lots of Pain

At times, it's harder to breathe at night. I can't sit still for a long time, because I get circulation pain all over. I try to sleep at night, but nightmares still happen. I just don't want to be stuck on lots of meds again.

Protect yourself. Pay attention to small things in how you feel. Because it matters.

Nobody Did Anything

I have complex dissociative disorder and psychosis symptoms. I have thoughts about torturing and killing little kids. I have thoughts about killing anybody that gets in my way. But despite all of that, I'm not a monster. I have no desire to hurt anybody.

But the thoughts are still there.

The severity of your symptoms are equal to the severity of your trauma history. It has to come out.

I have to constantly fight back. You can't just go with your feelings. That doesn't work. If you don't, you fall apart.

I was in a psychiatric ward, and NOBODY helped me. Does anybody care???????

You Have to Fight Back

Really exhausted from fighting symptoms. Just rest.

Scary Dissociating

Another day of fighting really hard to not slip and violently dissociate. Lots of pain, and you fight really hard to not black out. Then, you have a really horrible headache because your chi flow is messed up. This means drink lots of sugary drinks and healthy snacks to rebalance it and your p/h balance.

You feel really empty, and lots of pain. You fight really hard to not dissociate or hallucinate. You just want to protect yourself. This means that you have to face your trauma history without endangering yourself in some way.

Do you still struggle with your impulse to save the world all by yourself? I do. Now, it's okay to say sorry, but I can't do that. You're aware and you care. But your well being comes first.

You just want to feel safe.

Fight to Not Dissociate

Non stop fighting to not black out from dissociating. I can leave my house, and get around. But lately it's focus on one thing, and then rest. At other times, just stay in bed and try to rest. You can barely get out of bed and walk short distances. But what else can you do?

Fighting All Day

Fighting symptoms all day long. I just want to rest.

Rough Day

Lots of anger and sadness today. I'm scared at times I'll attack somebody. Trying to be safe.

Tests, Appointments and More

Back to the therapist today. My cancer screening test is negative. But, the GP wants me to come back regarding my shoulder x-rays? Can you give me more specifics? The nurse said sorry, but no. We'll see what happens next.

My chi level really drops at times. You can barely get up and walk around. Can I leave my house? Yes. But you always have to have an escape plan, just in case.

Just stay in and rest.

Extremely Painful

It's a real struggle right now to deal with constant pain. Everything hurts. Emotionally, you feel abandoned and don't know what to do. But you can't sit and do nothing.

You just want to feel safe.

Be Aware of Your Health

I've always tried to keep in mind that health is both physical and mental. In the past, I did a lot of destructive stuff to try and escape the pain of being raped. Now, I don't do that anymore. But the pain is still there.

I still screen everything. I try to trust my intuition. But pain is still there. Many times, you feel like you can't do anything. But you have to protect yourself.

More appointments, a screening test and an X=ray are coming up. Despite all that, we're trying to keep things as balanced as possible.

We just want to feel safe.

Fighting to Protect Your Well Being

A day to try and chill. Stay away from horribly triggering stuff. Protect yourself at all costs. But also, you're always exhausted.

What else can you do?

Feeling Abandoned

Another day of struggling to not black out from symptoms. Especially from abandonment. Can we trust anybody? Or, is everything lies?

We just want to feel safe.

Health is Physical AND Mental

Finally a day off from appointments. You try to sleep in, but many times it doesn't help. However, this time I'm really trying to be aware of overall health. Physical and mental means medications, diet and more.

Does this mean you can cure lots of illnesses only thru diet, meditation and other tools? Not sure. But there's more awareness of this. No, I don't want giant bags of potato chips, cases of beer and giant pizzas every day.

I try to be really careful with medications that I have a choice about taking. I will NEVER EVER go thru horrible addictions like I did in the past, and where NOBODY helped me.

We just want to feel safe.

Depressed and Abandoned

Went to the psychiatrist today. The past few weeks have been rough:

Depression. Not to the point of offing myself or hurting someone else. But it's like you can't shake it. Even after doing all of the usual techniques to get out of it.

Terrifying abandonment. It's like someone tells a little kid to leave, and then slams the door behind them. The little kid looks all around, and nobody's there to save or reassure them in any way.

More violent triggering stuff. I know there's no way to totally avoid all of it. But you do have to  screen it as best you can to protect yourself. Because nobody else will do it for you.

More nightmares that are more terrifying. You wake up in the middle of the night. Then, if you try to go back to sleep, you have more nightmares. Now, try dealing with that for weeks on end.

The heart meds I have to take. As for the anti depressants, I don't want to end up with severe addictions that nobody will listen to me about.

I don't want to go back to all the destructive stuff that I used to do. But now you just want to rock back and forth to try and not feel completely abandoned.

Nightmares and Exhaustion

Every night, nightmares and body pain still happen. If I don't have to go somewhere early he next morning, I sleep in. Even with that, you're still exhausted and fight to not fall apart. More things are violently triggering than before. Which means you have to really be careful.

I don't want to end up with lots of addictions to meds like before. I just want to protect us.

Struggling to Not Black Out

More fighting to not black out from dissociating and exhaustion. You can't sit back and do nothing. At times I can barely sit sit up and move. You have to fight back. Don't dissociate.

Screen everything. Don't collapse. It's like you have a headache all day long. You have to fight back. You have to protect yourself.

Symptoms and Exhaustion

More nightmares and no sleep. This means struggling all day to try and not  black out. It feels like you never get a break from symptoms or pain. Does this mean taking more anti depressants? I hope not.

You just want to protect yourself.

Lots of Pain

Still have symptoms and lots of pain. I also have extra pain and PTSD meds. But the pain is still there. You have to fight back.

Symptoms, Torture and More (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

I had a lot of destructive things to hide behind in the past. Now, I don't. Which means that trauma has to come out.

At times you feel really abandoned. Torture flashbacks happen, and you have to fight hard to keep some sense of reality. There's constant body pain (in addition to chest pain from cardiomyopathy). I'm taking some new meds which hopefully won't turn into addictions.

But the pain is still there. At times you feel paralyzed, and just turn everything off and protect yourself.  Nobody else is at home right now. Despite that, that doesn't stop nightmares and paranoid thoughts.

I'm not insane. I'm not a sociopath. I'm not a threat to anybody. If I have thoughts about torturing, raping and killing little kids, I leave the room where they are. You have to do the responsible thing.

I'm just trying to face my trauma history without endangering myself.

Lots of Pain

Fighting symptoms. Fighting body pain. Fighting body memory. Everything has to be done in stages. Otherwise you have no energy.

Don't dissociate.

A Constant Battle

More non-stop fighting of symptoms, and trying to not black out. Do something else. Violent dissociating won't work. I hope this doesn't mean getting addicted to anti depressants again.

Screen everything, and protect yourself.

Symptoms

Nightmares and other symptoms are still happening. You wake up in the middle of the night, and then have to turn on all the lights and check to make sure no one else is there. I'm taking one SSRI anti-depressant. Do I really need more? I don't want to take them.

It's a constant battle to not dissociate. You feel abandoned and don't know what to do. Can you trust anybody?  You get bombarded with sick and twisted thoughts, but you're not crazy. If severe symptoms don't come out in one way, they'll come out in others. Sometimes you just turn things off and rock back and forth to protect yourself.

You're not crazy. You did nothing wrong. Why didn't I kill all three psycho rapists? Why did I freeze? Why was I drugged? You have to fight all the time. You feel totally exhausted and can barely move. But you have to fight back.

What else can you do?

Fighting to Keep a Sense of Balance

More struggles with symptoms, and fighting to not dissociate. Does it feel like everywhere you turn, there's violent triggering stuff? Nightmares happen all the time. Psychosis symptoms still happen as well. Hallucinations, somebody's trying to break in and kill me and more. Despite all of this, we're not mentally ill, weird, strange or a threat to anybody. Your symptoms are horribly severe, and nobody listens or helps you.

Nobody listens or helps you.

Don't Dissociate

More nightmares and exhaustion in fighting symptoms. Don't dissociate. It's constant pain.

You have to fight back.

Lots of Pain.

Fighting lots of pain. Don't dissociate. It's extremely painful. But denial won't help.

You have to deal with it.

Fighting All Week

Sorry to be away for a while. But it's been non stop fighting all week. Don't dissociate. Don't go back to binge alcoholism. Fight pain that never lets up. I now have two pain meds, one for nightmares and one for general anxiety. Also, the heart meds that I have to take.

Many times, the usual grounding techniques don't work. What do you do then?

Screaming to Survive

Lots of pain and dissociating. Don't do it. Protect yourself at all costs. You have to fight back.

Protect Yourself

Do you still feel like you're always under threat? Odds are every person you see isn't carrying s weapon. But you still have to protect yourself. Can you trust anybody? 

I have some  weapons I carry for protection. Mace, a knife in my bag, a knife next to my bed at night. You have to fight back.

You want to feel safe.

Exhaustion but You Have to Fight

Lots of errands and exhaustion from fighting symptoms. One minute you think there's some clarity. Then, you  don't know where you are. You scream and fight to not black out.

You also have to protect yourself by saying you can't handle the pain of the world AND your own, all at the same time. I can't save ten million refugees. I couldn't save two little kids and their mom from drowning. I know what's happening and I'm concerned. On the other hand, my well being comes first.

Be aware but screen everything.

Extremely Painful

Today, more non stop fighting of symptoms. Dissociating, adrenalin surges, pain all over your body, hallucinations and more. I try to keep my diet clean, and at times that helps to a certain extent. But you still struggle.

When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't remember. Nightmares are always violent. You have to fight back or you get stabbed to death. I go out and I always have to have an escape plan. Just in case, how do I leave here safely? If I can't reground myself in a place with little kids, I leave. I have no desire to torture, rape and murder little kids. But the thoughts at times are there.

I'm not a monster.
I'm not mentally ill.
I'm not a threat to anybody.

You have to protect yourself.

The Severity of Your Symptoms

Another day of struggle to not dissociate. You think that maybe it will relieve pain. But it doesn't. Instead, you don't know where you are or what time it is. You're trapped in a maze with no way out. I don't want to feel miserable all the time. Despite that, you still feel bombarded with pain.

Face your trauma history as best you can. You're bombarded with pain and sick thoughts. On the other hand, I'm not mentally ill. I have health problems, and I'm trying to deal with them as best I can.

You have to protect yourself.

What's Real and What Isn't (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Another appointment today, and back to fighting symptoms. Part of that struggle is to face your trauma history as best you can. That doesn't mean be trapped in the past. It means if you don't deal with it in a good way, it will come out in bad ways. Alcoholism, junk food, dissociative rituals to try and escape pain. That doesn't work.

Instead, you don't want to feel like you have no idea of where you are. What time is it? Suddenly hours go by, and you have to fight hard to not be trapped in an endless dissociating loop. For a long time, violent unchecked dissociating was a survival tool. It like you're being screamed at non stop all day long. Every day. No break from the abuse. How do you fight to survive that? My first therapist that actually helped me for a short time said I'm surprised you didn't kill yourself years ago from the horrible stress.

How do you respond to that?

In some ways my heart disease is a result from a lifetime of fighting trauma. I still want to have a cortisol blood test to know what my level is. If you're constantly fighting every single day, how can that not be connected to your cortisone? In the past I had lots of illnesses that I think were a result of not dealing the trauma of being raped.

If it doesn't come out in one way, trauma will come out in others.

Many days I don't watch any TV. You have to screen everything to make sure it's safe to deal with. You have to set boundaries. Nobody else will do it for you.

While I have various benefits, at times you have tough moments. How do I pay for this medication and my food for tomorrow? These are real human beings dealing with survival. Not some statistic that can be manipulated during an election.

You have to fight back.

No Sleep and Then What?

Catching up on a lot today (bills, online stuff and more). No sleep last night as we tried to not dissociate. Where is the fine line between dissociating and dreaming? I'm not sure. But it's scary enough to try and to just not fall apart.

Are you being bombarded with flashbacks and pain? You try to focus and hold onto what's real. Despite that, it's a non stop battle to not snap.

You just want to feel safe.

Some Clarity, and Then What?

You fight symptoms all day long. then, when you have brief moments of clarity, you feel paralyzed with despair. What do you do?

Ups and Downs

One minute, there's some clarity. Then, paralyzing despair. But no matter what, you have to keep going.

Bombarded with Symptoms

I haven't had chest pain for a while. But I other pain all over and have to focus really hard to not dissociate and black out. I don't want to go back to not knowing where I am. I just want to feel safe.

Being on a fixed income is a real challenge. It's not just seniors who have to pick between medication and food. I have the same thing. How do I make this work? How do I cover as much as I can myself? That way, I don't end up with literally nothing and then I'm totally dependent on somebody else.

I just want to feel safe.

Violent Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

I won't list all of the violent triggering garbage that's everywhere you look. But we know it's there, and you know that you have to protect yourself. Every day it's a constant battle to not dissociate and just fall apart. You can't take on the pain of the world and yours at the same time. However, you can be aware and remember that your well being comes first.

Nightmares still happen. Usually you then wake up and wonder, how do I go back to sleep? Many times I can't, and instead sit in my living room with peace and quiet. Even in the middle of the night, the sick, violent and racist garbage keeps going. If you're not careful, you feel like you're trapped in an endless loop of dissociating. You have to fight back. You don't have the option of doing nothing.

On bad days with anger, you feel like you're going to snap. I have no desire to hurt myself or anyone else. But you have to do the responsible thing. Sometimes in  a crowded place, I just sit. People circulate all around, business keeps on going. Despite that, I just sit and want some sense of safety. Are all of these people psycho terrorists that want to attack and kill me? Probably not. But you do have to protect yourself.

Do you feel like you're the only person that sees all of the hypocracy in the world? I know I'm not. But you still at times have that feeling. I'm six steps ahead of everybody else. I don't want to have a gun in my house to feel safe. I've thought about it. But it's too expensive. So I carry other things with me when I go out. Why? Because I feel safer. At night, I keep my cell phone and a knife next to my bed. You have to protect yourself.

Do you struggle feeling like nobody's listening to you? None of the psychos  that repeatedly raped me were ever prosecuted. Nobody did jail time. I got no compensation. I still have violent flashbacks to being raped and screaming in terror.

Nobody saved me.
People say they care about me. But they want nothing to do with me.
I have no desire to torture or rape little kids. But at times those thoughts are there.

You have to protect your well being. Nobody else will do it for you.

Do you feel abandoned? Do you feel paralyzed and don't know what to do? At times I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to go out. I just want to feel safe in my own home. If I have nightmares, many times I get up and check all over the house to make sure that nobody's here. You have to do it.

On bad days, I just turn things off and rock back and forth. I just want to feel safe.

Don't Snap

Another day of constantly battling to not black out. One part of it is the diet. Keep salt and sugar as low as possible. Both are stimulants, and I was poisoning myself for a really long time. Now, pay attention to tiny things in how you feel.

What's next?

No Matter What, Don't Fall Apart

It's a rough battle right now. You have to fight non-stop to not dissociate and literally vanish. It's like the essence of what makes you you just dissolves. You have to protect yourself. You can't just sit back and do nothing. As you do, it's like you're always exhausted. You're on the verge of snapping. You don't want to hurt anybody. But what else can you do?

Sometimes, I just sit in a crowded place. As people mill around me, it's like you're being bombarded with stimulus and pain. You try to close your eyes, deep breathing and many of the other grounding techniques. But they don't work. What do you do then?

Flashbacks and pain hits you all the time. What's real and what isn't? As flashbacks and pain hit, you're screaming to not snap or black out. You have to fight back. Taking lots of meds isn't the answer. It just makes symptoms worse.

You feel stuck. You feel paralyzed. You can barely breathe. And it never goes away.

Protect Yourself

As you fight to survive, what's one helpful idea? You're not responsible for other horrible people. You're not responsible for their health (physical or mental). You have to protect yourself.

Sometimes I have brief moments of clarity. When I do, I feel paralyzed and abandoned. But I know we did nothing wrong.

Back to Nightmares

I thought I'd have a break for a while. But the nightmares are back. last night, it was fight and kill everyone who was trying to kill me. I got stabbed several times and hung on extremely hard to not die. Even though it was only a dream, I was really struggling to live.

Now, it's struggle in the morning to not dissociate. But what else can you do?

A Dissociative Cycle

Back to more appointments and fighting to not fall apart. Nobody else will do it for you. You can't just sit and do nothing.

As you do though, you struggle to not black out from exhaustion. Earlier today my therapist asked, how many times a day do you dissociate? I said, at least 50. It feels like an endless cycle. Then, you rarely have brief moments of clarity. When you do, you also feel terrified, empty and abandoned.

What do you do then?

Fight Really Hard to Not Fall Apart

You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back. It doesn't matter that the psycho rapist isn't actually there. You have to fight back.

Is it a struggle to try and wake up and not dissociate? It's not the same as knowing your awake and still dealing with last night's dream. You have to focus really hard and fight to not feel almost trapped in a nightmare. What helps? I try to drink something right away so your system has something tangible to deal with. Then, it's fight all day long to not black out.

At the end of the day, you're so tired you can literally barely walk. But what else can you do? If you do nothing, you fall apart. You can't do that.

Fight for a sense of balance.

Do You Ever Detoxify from Trauma?

Finally a day with no appointments. Instead, pick up a new med and then some PC questions for the tech support guy. The good news is that I was right in solutions. Sorry, but I can't be offline for two weeks. I do have an addictive personality. But is my PC use a problem? I don't think so.

Like any other trauma survivor, I'm trying to pay attention to my intuition and follow the right things. Do I really want to go back to alcoholism and other destructive stuff that only made pain worse? No. While everyone is different in their history, I'm struggling with lots of scary things.

It took me a long time to realize it. But one of the psycho rapists that got away with torture drugged me. I don't know what it was. But I do know when you feel like you have no control over you actions, some drug is causing that. Do I have any sympathy for someone like Bill Cosby (if all of the "allegations" against him are true)? No. He should do serious jail time with no chance of parole.

Why won't more people face the fact that he admitted to trying to use drugs to RAPE women? Because he's rich and powerful. And in our currently litigious society, you don't f**k with rich and powerful people. If they see a threat, they will do anything necessary to crush the threat.

Did anybody save me? No.
Did any cops use a rape testing kit (that later would have been lost for about twenty years)? No.
Have lots of people said you freak me out. Go away? Yes.

While I'm not rich and powerful, I deserve to be heard. The fact that I'm a rape survivor isn't the ONLY thing that defines me. But it is part of me. I have no control over what other horrible people say and do. Despite that, I will protect myself.

Do you have days where you feel like you're the only one that sees all of the hypocracy in the world? I do. It's not safe to look at anything. I have some days where I just want quiet. I don't want to feel threatened in my own home. Why? Because nobody else will protect you.

When do you completely detoxify from trauma? I have no idea. But I do know I'm doing the right things right now.

Tests and Symptoms

Soory to be offline for a while. I thought I had an eye infection. Went to one doctor, and was told to go to the hospital ER for more eye tests. 24 hours (and three tests) later, I just had a scratched eye. After that, just go home and collapse from exhaustion. Now, symptoms are still there. Next week, it's back to more appointments.

Why do I get bombarded with all of these sick and twisted thoughts? I'm not abnormal. But at times you feel like you're going to snap. You have to protect yourself,  and others when necessary.

Sometimes you feel sad and cry all day. But, that's okay. If it doesn't come out in one way, it comes out in others.

If Not One Symptom, It's Another

Fighting symptoms and now a new infection. Tomorrow I go to one of my doctor's, and we'll see. In all of this, I try to stick to a holistic approach to my health. It's all connected.

Another part of this? Don't dissociate and literally fall apart. On bad days, it's like fighting all day to not drink again. Part of you says this will stop pain. But the rest of you knows that's not true. By the end of the day, you can barely move.

Then again, what else can you do?

More Pain

Got out and managed to exercise today. But there's more chest pain. One minute you feel like you have some energy. The next, you literally can't walk. On the other hand, you can't do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

Don't dissociate. No matter what, do something else. Because dissociating again is like binge drinking. You think it will relieve pain. But it won't. It just makes it worst.

At times, you turn everything off. No noise. I just want to be safe in my own home.

Protect yourself.

Dealing with Pain

Two new doctor appointments today. Now, in addition to occasional heart pain I have other pain all over. It's not because of working out too hard, or injuring myself. So why do I have it? The second doctor prescribed extra pain medication. Give it two days. If you still have pain, go to an ER and have a blood test done to check for possible infections.

Some days you energy level feels decent. On others, everything hurts. You can barely get out of bed and walk. Add to that all of the other symptoms.

We'll see.

Protection

Focus and try not to black out. A constant battle to deal with symptoms. Especially hallucinations. You have to fight to keep some sense of reality.

Don't dissociate.

Really Painful

Another long day of fighting symptoms. Don't dissociate. Don't black out. Protect yourself. Dissociating will only make pain worse.

You scream and fight to keep some sense of being grounded. You can't do nothing. Many times the usual grounding techniques don't work. What then?

Don't dissociate. Don't black out. On bad days, I just stay home and rest. Protect yourself.

What else can you do?

Back to More Nightmares

I thought maybe I was having a break. But no. It's back to more nightmares and no real sleep. Which means today, just chill. Do what's necessary, and then nothing else. But you still have to fight back to not fall apart from symptoms.

A suggestion. It not your responsibility to save the world. It's good to be aware and wanting to make things better. On the other hand, nobody's paying you to be on call 24/7. Obama chose that lifestyle, and now he's got another 16 months to go. As for the rest of us, you can't take on the world's pain and yours at the same time.

Protect yourself.

Bombarded with Pain

You try to get a decent night's sleep. But nightmares and other PTSD symptoms won't let you. Then, you wake up in the morning and everything hurts. At times I just stop working out or other things and stay home to try and feel grounded and safe. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

If it doesn't, what happens then?

You don't want to go back to old and destructive behavior. But you also fight to not collapse from exhaustion from fighting to not dissociate. What else can you do?

Paralyzed with Fear

No noise right now. Just quiet as I write online and try not to dissociate. You do what's necessary to fight to survive. But in the process, you feel overwhelmed at times by how hard you have to work to not fall apart. You try to not just collapse from exhaustion. Because you have to fight back.

You feel abandoned. Like nobody seems to care, or could be bothered to care. Despite that, you can't sit back and do nothing. How do you cope with that?

Set Boundaries

Lots of errands and fighting symptoms. You can't sit back and do nothing. But as you do, you struggle with pain and questions.

Why didn't I fight back?
Why didn't I grab the nearest weapon and kill all three of these psychos?
Why did I freeze and feel like I lost control over my body?

I know it's not my fault. But you still struggle with these fears.

Sorry to Be Away

Did you miss me? Sorry to be away for so long. It was dealing with a lot of upgrades and updates. Get a new fax/scanner/copier/printer. Time to go up to Windows 8.1 The first time didn't work. Try it again, and install about 300 updates in the process. Now slowly add more software and wait to be able to install Windows 10. We'll see what happens.

I'm still averaging several appointments a week. Symptoms are still there, and you constantly fight to not black out. When you have rare movements of clarity, you fight to not collapse from exhaustion. You have to fight back.

Also, I'm still doing my meditation at night. Now though, I'll try doing it twice a day and see how it goes. You just want to feel safe.

Triggering Stuff Is Everywhere

Into the weekend, and one of those days where it's watch TV at your own risk. Everywhere you turn, it's violent triggering insane stuff. No surprise then that commercial TV ratings continue to go down.

You fight to not dissociate, and then you're trying hard to not black out. It's like constant exhaustion. But you have to protect yourself. Nobody else will do it for you. You feel abandoned, and try to protect yourself.

What else can you do?

Screen everything. If you have any doubts about it, trust yourself and turn it off. What's online?

Exhaustion Sets In

More appointments today, and more fighting symptoms. You fight to not dissociate, and at times you have brief moments of clarity. Then, you have to fight hard to not black out. You feel like you're always run down.

How do you cope?

Being on benefits, it's not like stuff that only seniors deal with. At times you have to decide. How do I pay for next week's food and my medication? Try as best you can to keep control over your life.

Have a good night.

Protect Yourself

Yes, it's another one of those triggering stuff is everywhere kind of day. Is it safe to look at anything? If i do turn on my TV, 99% of the time I turn the sound down. You have to protect yourself.

In the morning, it takes about fifteen minutes to put my socks and shoes on. Why? Because of adrenalin surges. If you don't massage them, you feel like there's nothing there. If you're running, you have to focus your chi flow. Otherwise it's like you completely fall apart and can't move at all.

Do I have some neurological disease? Fortunately no. But that struggle is still there.

Nightmares still happen. Sometimes I have to turn on all the lights and walk around to make sure that no one else is here. Look on the other side of the bed to make sure the psycho rapist isn't there. Do you still have flashbacks to where you feel  worthless? Am I going to die of AIDS? Will anybody feel safe being around me?

Do these fears ever go away?

Do you scream and not know where you are? What's real and what isn't? I still don't know sometimes.

I just try to protect myself. I also keep in mind it's not my job to save the world. I'm not responsible for what others say and do. I'm busy enough with my own pain.

Time to rest.

Don't Black Out

Another day of fighting hard to not fall apart. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't know. You constantly fight to not dissociate and fall apart. If you don't fight back, all kinds of horrible thoughts hit you all at once. I won't list all of them here, because if I did, I might violently trigger somebody else.

You feel paralyzed with fear. But you can't sit back and do nothing. You have to do something. On bad days with anger, you feel like you're going to snap. Then, you're so exhausted that you lie down. Sometimes you just stay home and try to feel grounded. It's not safe to go out.

Protect yourself.

A Constant Focus

How was your holiday weekend? Here, it was a constant struggle to try and stay grounded. It still is, and at times you just don't go out. You stay home and fight really hard to not black out.

You just try to protect yourself as best you can. Also, others who you don't want to hurt. I still at times have thoughts about raping little kids. If I can't refocus around them, I walk away. What else can you do?

Struggling to Not Black Out

It's a constant battle to not dissociate and black out. At times you literally don't know what's real and what isn't. You have to fight to keep some sense of reality and to not just fall apart.

At times you just feel paralyzed. You try to get out of bed, but you're so exhausted that you just go back to rest. You have some moments of clarity. But you're also scared. What do you do now?

Set boundaries and protect yourself.

Don't Black Out

How's your July so far? For the past three or four days, no nightmares. Instead, just nothing. Dissociating in the morning is still a battle. You try to drink or eat something to help you to focus. Then, it's another day of battling symptoms.

Body pain is still there. Sick and twisted thoughts. Occasional thoughts about raping little kids. Adrenalin surges. You try to focus your chi flow so you don't feel like you have fibromyalgia, MS or something else. But symptoms are still there.

You try to set boundaries as best you can. At times though, it feels like everywhere you turn it's sick, violent and horrible stuff happening everywhere. I really try to stick to I'm not responsible for saving the world. The endless austerity in Greece (now officially defaulted on their debt) continues to take a horrible toll on the population. People work for months with no idea if they're ever get paid again. Some give up and kill themselves. Meanwhile the politicians try to out spin each other to cover their asses. Which leads to really and boring "in depth analysis" by pundits to fill space and airtime. Just how many ways can you say I have no fucking clue what they'll do next?

Try really hard to focus and keep some sense of being grounded. It feels like you always have to have something to focus on. Despite that, we still have to take breaks from too much stimulus. We have flashbacks to how severe psychosis symptoms have been and continue to be. You try to go into a crowded noisy place, and then you leave fifteen seconds later. It's too much.

Do I wanna go back to scary alcoholism? No. Having said that, it's a non stop battle to not dissociate. You scream and focus so you don't black out. You don't want to fall apart. You're not crazy, weird, a freak or any of that other shit. Your symptoms are a perfectly normal response to horrible severe untreated trauma.

Do you scream in pain at night? Are you scared to try and go to sleep? Do you always feel like the psycho rapist is next to you? You scream and fight hard to not snap. You can't sit back and do nothing.

You don't wanna die, You don't want to hurt anyone. But you get bombarded with pain. Every part of your body hurts. You can barely walk. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

Protect yourself.

Don't Sit Back and Do Nothing

Really exhausted after a long day of fighting symptoms. Don't dissociate. You feel like you're going to snap in two, and you have to fight back. Does long term horribly severe stress cause auto immune illnesses? I'm still working on saving money so I can go for more tests (cortisol being one).

You have to fight back.

Exhaustion

Sorry to be away for a few days. It wasn't by choice. It was due to being totally wiped out from symptoms. Today, non stop fighting to not dissociate. You struggle with how violently severe psychosis symptoms were and continue to be. You can't sit back and do nothing. Which means on really bad days you just stay home and in bed. You have to protect yourself.

You're not insane
You're not crazy
You're not weird
You're not abnormal in any way

Don't dissociate. Do something else. You scream and fight to not snap. You're not a danger to anybody. Weird thoughts about raping little kids come to mind. But you'd never act on them.

You're not weird. You're not insane.

Sorry, but I need a break right now. More later.

No Matter What, Don't Black Out

Resting right now to try and get some sense of chi flow again. All day long it's been being bombarded with symptoms. Don't black out. Don't dissociate. Constantly fighting to have some sense of balance. Imagine trying to go out for a run, and as your legs move, you lose sensation in them. This means lots of massage and staying away from stimulants as a few ways to try and deal with it.

You scream to try and not black out. But what else can you do?

Protect Yourself

More struggle in battling symptoms. Psychosis symptoms still happen. At times you don't know where you are. Weird thoughts that don't seem to be connected come out of nowhere. Why? I'm not sure. Despite that, you have to fight to regain some sense of being grounded. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

I have to take breaks when dealing with lots of different stimulus. I can't listen to any tunes for more than about 30 seconds. Beyond that, you feel like you're going to snap. Some days there's no noise. Just peace and quiet. Trying to feel safe.

No matter what, we're not abnormal in any way.

The Severity of Your Symptoms

Kind of a semi chill day. Some things to do online, but also a non stop battle to not dissociate and lose sensation in parts of my body to adrenalin surges. And as if that's not enough, I still struggle with psychosis symptoms. I've never been diagnosed as psychotic or schizophrenic. But they're still there.

It's like you're fighting for your life. Holding on to the edge of a cliff so you don't fall off and vanish forever. In all fhat time, NOBODY listened to me or helped me. It took roughly thirty years before the first therapist who actually listened to me and helped for a short time.

Now I go to a new one and a psychiatrist (in addition to the heart appointments). I know it's not my fault. But it's a real struggle to deal with the severity of your symptoms.

One thing to try and cope is to set boundaries where necessary. I do a small amount online. But that's okay, because not all but a lot of current social media is recycled crap. I have better things to do with my time. Also, nobody else will look out for us.

It's a constant struggle. We're not abnormal in any way. The severity of your symptoms is equal to the severity of your trauma history.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

Sitting at my dining room table and catching up on online stuff. No TV because it's too violent. If online content isn't violently triggering, I try to listen or watch. But no matter what, don't dissociate. In the past, violent dissociating was a survival tool. I wasn't sure what was wrong, but I knew something was. Nobody listened and nobody helped me.

Now heart disease and PTSD symptoms totally drain my chi. Formerly favorite foods are now violent triggers. If I go out somewhere, I always have to have an escape plan, just in case. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight to keep some sense of balance.

I just want to protect myself.

A Sense of Balance

Lots of errands to do today. Along the way, fighting hard to not black out from dissociating. Sometimes I just come home and lie down all afternoon because I'm so exhausted. Then again, what else can I do?

Set boundaries as best you can. Do you struggle with hypocracy from others? How do you cope with it?

High Triggering Content Day

Just like smog alert days, today is one of those high triggering content days. Instead o saying the world, your well being comes first. Also, almost no energy today. Set boundaries, pay attention to how things affect you. And rest.

If you need me to save th world, I'm not available.

Occasional Moments of Clarity

More appointments this week, and battling symptoms. I told my therapist that at times I have moments of clarity. But then you also have moments of despair. You try not to feel paralyzed or just saying I give up, and then offing yourself. You have to do something.

At times, it feels like everything gets weirder and weirder. You feel like you're the only person that sees all of this, and how hypocritical it is. You scream and fight to not black out or snap. You don't want to talk to anybody. You sit next to a little kid, and you struggle to not be bombarded with thoughts about torturing and raping them.

You're not a monster
You're not insane
You're not a sociopath
You not a danger to anybody

You know all of that. Despite that, you have to fight because if you don't, you'll fall apart. Every single day, it was abuse. What else could you do but fight to survive? Now, you still have to fight.

Going out of the house isn't always a problem. Sometimes though, I just stay home and try to regain some sense of being grounded. At other times, I'm so run down that I just lie down to try and rest. When I try to go to bed, I can barely walk.

Then again, you can't not fight back. You don't have that luxury.

Do you ever feel safe? I have periods where no matter I do, you still don't feel safe. What do I do then?

Tomorrow, another blood test. My health comes first. Health is physical and mental.

How do You Feel?

Sleeping in lately to try and cope with the exhaustion from dealing with symptoms all day long. You still feel run down, and have to be careful with your diet and violnt triggering stuff.

Just trying to keep a sense of balance.

Protecting Yourself

After a horrible day of violent dissociating, today is just rest. Don't save the world. Just rest and protect your well being.

Have a good day.

No Matter What, Don't Dissociate

More struggle to not black out from symptoms. You're bombarded with all kinds of flashbacks and weird thoughts that come out of nowhere. No matter what, don't dissociate. You're not insane. You're not weird, a freak or a danger to anybody.

Don't black out. You can't just roll over and give up. Don't dissociate. Do something else.

You have to protect yourself.

Is It Safe to Go Outside? (Contains extreme triggering content. Read at your own risk)

How's your Friday? Here, it's one of those fight symptoms all day long. But it's always that way. How is today different?

Different in the sense of you have to constantly be moving. Always have something to focus on. If you don't, you'll be bombarded and might black out. Can I go out? You try to have some sense of being grounded before you do. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

If you do go out, how do you get in and out of a crowded place safely? If there are lots of little kids, what do you do? You don't want to hurt anybody (yourself or anyone else). Yet, if there are little kids around you, you have to fight split second thoughts that bombard you. I'm really scared to write this. But I'll try to be brave and face it head on:

There are lots of little kids here. This is fucking great. I could go nuts and fuck the shit out of them.
You tie them up and then torture them. It happened to you. So why not do it to someone else?
The psycho pedophile says I'm gonna fuck you till you bleed. Scream all you want. Nobody will hear you or give a fuck.
I'm not a psycho monster. I'm not a sociopath who doesn't care about anything. Yet I still have these thoughts.

You see a little kid out of the corner of your eye. You don't want to hurt them. But you have to fight really hard to keep some sense of being grounded. You're not a monster. You won't hurt them.

Then, flashbacks to the pedophile raping you. You scream, and the pain doesn't stop. Nobody who says that they care about you does anything. Nobody bursts into the room to save you. No cops do anything. There's no one to save you. No one gets arrested. You get no compensation for being tortured and almost killed more than once. Three fucking psychos that got away with prolonged rape and torture. Also, they'll never do any jail time.

You're not sick. You're not a danger to anybody. Yet, you have to do the responsible thing. If I'm struggling and can't regain some sense of being grounded, I just leave.

I'm not going to hurt myself or anybody else. At times I just turn everything off and sit quietly to try and feel safe. You have to protect yourself and others when necessary.

I can't do anymore today. Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Today is one of those hypocracy is everywhere days. This means set boundaries, turn off all triggering stuff. Also, protect yourself. Especially online.

In the past, I used to have the attitude of it's my job to save the world. Then I hit a certain point where I said, no it's not. Thru necessity I've learned a lot about online and personal security. While I don't live in downtown Baghdad, I still keep these in mind in a good way.

Most online sites have some type of block feature. My attitude is be preemptive in using it. If you believe that a lot of trolls are coming from a certain area, block them first. Like any other sane and rational person, I don't have the time or patience to deal with that. Instead, just block them and move on.

Another idea. Unless it's a paying job, it's not your responsibility to save the world. Yes, some well known activist can make speeches saying we have a duty to make things better. While that may be true, your personal well being comes first. I try to not pre judge people. But many times my intuition is saying, what do they REALLY want?

Screen everything and have a good day.

Pay Attention to How You Feel

Another appointment today (this time with the psychiatrist). Lately we've been talking about on going nightmares and struggling with symptoms. Dissociating is one of the worst. Also, adrenalin surges. You try to go out for a run, and for a split second you can't feel your feet. You have to focus hard and try to rebalance your chi flow. Now, try doing that every day. Along with everything else.

If someone has been horribly abusive in your past and then they die, how should you feel? If you're relieved, does that make yu a bad person? No. Society dictates that when someone in your family dies, you should feel sad. But this isn't a law. Everybody's different in their trauma history and healing.

If I do some exercise every day, I'm trying to burn off some of this stored trauma chi. I've been off of caffeine for almost a year. I approach it like any other drug. If you stay off it and then use it again, the relapse gets worse and worse.

Protect yourself.

You Have to Fight Back

Another long day of fighting symptoms.. No matter what, don't dissociate. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. If you don't, you're bombarded with pain. Anal pain, testicle pain, hip pain. Every single part of your hurts.

But what else can you do?

You scream and try to not black out. You have to fight back. At times you have lucid dreams, and you strike first. You strike first and kill the psycho pedophile. You have to stop them. Nobody else will. It feels like the rest of the world talks a lot about how survivors deserve to be heard. Yet, you ask, is anybody listening?

Do you feel like you're getting bombarded with hypocracy? Can you trust anyone? The healthier you are, the sharper your intuition. I'm not always right. But I try.

You have to protect yourself.

Symptoms Are Still There

Another night of nightmares. You wake up and try to go back to sleep. But the nightmares come back. Every survivor is different. Which means this is where my healing is at right now.

Today, we're sticking to setting positive boundaries as much as possible. As far as exercise goes, I can do basically anything I want (unless I have no energy or chest pain). Today, I finally broke 1 mile in my run. Some people drink to unwind. I do other things.

Do you feel like you can trust anyone? In my case, there's been a long history of no support, abuse and lies. You don't want to be some cynical, burned out monster who says fuck everybody and I don't care anymore.  But your intuition at times says, are they lying? What do they really want?

One way that some survivors cope is to throw themselves into trying to save the world. You take on your pain and the pain of the rest of the world. I did that for a long time, and then finally realized that it's not my job. It doesn't matter what (inert name of famous activist) says about you have to do your part. Actually, no. My well being comes first. Which then means you can be more effective (f you choose to be involved in some cause).

Why do I get bombarded with sick and twisted thoughts at times? I'm not sure. At times, thoughts about raping little kids come to mind. I feel sad and usually cry all day long. But the fact that those thoughts are there DOESN'T mean that they're true.

You have to fight back. At times, you feel totally exhausted, and like you're this close to blacking out. But you can't do nothing. You have to fight back.

You just want to feel safe.

Trying to Face Your Fear

More nightmares are happening. You try to go to sleep, and then suddenly you wake up. For a split second, where are you? You then try to go back to sleep, but it doesn't work. There's no set pattern to them. But the keep happening.

How do you deal with your fear? As best I can, I've always tried to face mine head on (unless it puts me in danger). Denial is still a problem. I can admit that I was raped by three pedophiles. But the fear still is there in questions. Why didn't I fight back? Why didn't I kill all of these motherfuckers? Where was my weapon?

I know it's not my fault. But you still ask questions at times.

Pain is still there. On bad days, you want to turn everything off and just try to feel safe. Can you trust anybody? Is everybody lying? Split second flashbacks happen where you have to fight back. You don't have a choice.

How do you try to keep your balance?

You did nothing wrong
It's not your fault
All humans get paralyzed by fear, and do what's necessary to survive
Can you trust anybody?
Where's my weapon? I strike first.
You can't sit back and do nothing
I'm not responsible for the pain of the rest of the world
I can't handle my pain and everyone else's

I don't have a death wish. But thoughts about dying are there. I'm not insane. I have health problems that I didn't ask for. I'm trying to cope with these as best I can.

Trying for Balance

Time for some lemonade and to catch up online. I still haven't been able to get tested for allergies. But I'll trust that I'm right and stay away from lots of triggering foods. One way to look at a rash or other reactions to foods? It's also emotions that are coming out at the same time.

No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else. At times that means turn everything off and just focus on tangible sensations. You're bombarded with flashbacks, pain and losing sensation in different parts of your body. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Which means you're totally exhausted.

Do you struggle with feeling abandoned? It's hard at times for me to take people seriously. What do you REALLY want? Is everyone lying to me? Can I trust ANYBODY?

One minute you feel like your energy level is decent. Then, you have nothing. But you try to reassure yourself (and your multiples and little kid) that's it not your fault. You did nothing wrong.

But the pain is still there.

Pay Attention to Small Things

Another day of trying to get some rest. Nightmares are happening again, I have to be really careful with my diet as well. Not only to not put on too much weight, but also because of allergies. As you try to fight to keep some sense of balance, you become more aware of small things in how you feel. How horrible symptoms have been and continue to be.

What else can you do but fight back? You feel constantly exhausted and always sore. On the other hand, you don't want to fall apart. You can't sit back and do nothing.

More appointments next week.

Symptoms are Still There

Nightmares have come back. There's no set pattern to them. But when they happen, it' like I can't go back to sleep. I try and just when I think I am, it's more nightmares. Then, I try to just go back to bed after breakfast until I feel like I can focus. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

Dissociating is still one of the hardest things to cope with. No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else. Despair is there. Sometimes you don't want to answer the phone. Just turn everything off and try to feel safe in your own home.

You're exhausted. But what else can you do but fight back.

Small Segments

Good news at the cardiologist appointment. Only one limitation on exercise. If you have chest pain or no energy, stop and do something else. Other than that, no med changes or surgery. Now, I can get thru my day. But it takes a LOT of energy. Many times it' do small stuff and then lie down. All of my symptoms are still there. But, I'm trying to deal with it as best I can.

Back to Appointments

Tomorrow, it's back to the cardiologist. No chest pain, but also no energy for the past few days. Also, I can barely eat small meals or drink anything. What exactly does this mean? I'm just trying to keep a sense of balance as I go along.

Focus, but Almost No Energy

Getting thru the day, but it takes an enormous amount of energy to do small things. Then, go to bed early. There's no one patient profile that fits everybody. But also, it's heart and PTSD symptoms, all at the same time.

Just rest.

Terrifying Thoughts (Contains extremely triggering content. Read at your own risk)

It's a daily struggle. Heart disease and PTSD symptoms. But also, at times you have horrible days with anger and thoughts about raping terrified little kids.

Just so it's clear:

I'm not a sociopath
I'm not psychotic
I'm not a pedophile
I'm not gay or bi-sexual
I'm not in to necrophilia, bestiality, or anything else like these

Having said all of that, why then do I still have these thoughts? When I do, I feel really terrified and sad. I walk out of the room, and try to reground myself. If that doesn't work, I just walk away. You have to do the responsible thing.

Protect Yourself

Lots of struggling with symptoms over the past few days. No matter what, don't dissociate. But it's still a battle. In the middle of the day, sometimes I turn everything off and just lie down. No noise, no bad news in the world, nothing. Just focus on how you feel and protect yourself.

The higher your stress, the more acidic your system is. Then, try to deal with not blacking out from anger. Right now, I just want to rest.

Back to Appointments

More appointments and symptoms to deal with. I see my cardiologist next week. But now I've gone back to exercising unless I have no energy or chest pain. If I don't, I'm worried that my heart function will go back down to 15%. Also, it helps to a certain degree with some PTSD symptoms. They're still there. But what else can you do?

Lots of anger and struggling to not black out.

A Break? Not Really

Sorry to be away for a while. The past few days have been totally exhausting, which made it extremely tough to do even the smallest things. Yesterday, one of the nephews graduated from high school. It was extremely tough to try  and not black out in a crowded place.

Now, we're really trying to pay attention to small things in how you feel. Lots of salt, sugar and acidic foods? You feel miserable. You try hard to not snap and black out from dissociating and anger. You have to set boundaries and try to protect yourself.

How do you deal with being bombarded with pain? On bad days we can barely move. Literally everything hurts. On the other hand, you can't sit back and do nothing.

You have to protect yourself.

Pay Attention to How You Feel

Instead of just blowing something off, pay attention to how you feel. Because of my heart disease, I can't handle big meals, lots of salt and sugar anymore. Also, it's draining fighting all of these symptoms. Which means trying to protect yourself.

Your health is both physical and mental.

Dissociating, Depression and More

The symptoms are still there. Also, constantly battling to not dissociate. It's like as you do, the reality of how violent and severe dissociating has been. You have to protect yourself. No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else.

You don't have a choice. You have to fight back to keep some sense of balance. You're getting bombarded with pain, and you can't just sit back and do nothing.

Don't dissociate. It only makes pain worse, and not easier.

It's not your fault.

You did nothing wrong.

You can't control what other horrible people say and do.

You almost feel paralyzed with despair. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

You have to protect yourself.

Sadness

Last night, the two nieces graduated from high school. Next Sunday, one of the nephews does as well. Along with this come a million different emotions, flashbacks and more all at the same time. Today there's lots of sadness and feeling empty. Nobody helped me when I went thru my graduations. Imagine almost no noise at all as you walk up to get your diploma. You want to find and hold onto moments of happiness. But it's really hard to do when you've felt abandoned for so long.

Can I trust anybody? On the other hand, I'm trying to protect my well being. We just want to feel safe.

Don't Dissociate

While I'm on various benefits  to help me try to keep control over my life, I've been trying to find a cheaper place to live. That way I could qualify for a higher disability rate and cover all of my bills. Now it turns out the wait for public housing in this area is eighteen months to two years. Also, no long term assistance with rent and utilities.

Right now, I have no other place to go. This means keep trying to save as much money as possible. It's a horrible position to be in having no money and at the mercy of somebody else.

I can't just sit and listen or watch something non stop. I can only handle roughly thirty seconds before I need a break. It's too much stimulus to handle.

We just want to protect ourselves.

Paralysis

Today's one of those turn-everything-off days. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You turn off all the noise, and try to feel safe in your own home.

But the despair is still there.

It's not the normal ups and downs of everyday life. You sit, and you feel like you can barely move. What do you do? You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. So you just sit.

It takes an enormous amount of energy to do small things. Then after each one, you sit down again and almost feel stuck. What then?

Last night was a real struggle to not dissociate. Today, at times you have moments of clarity. Then, despair. On the other hand, you don't have destructive things to hide behind anymore.

What's next?

Protect Yourself

Staying at home for a while as I catch up on writing and other stuff. Then, time for lots of errands. Still no personal assistant. Which means I do everything myself.

How do you deal with your symptoms? Do you still feel bombarded with pain? One moment, you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, a million images hit you all at once. Your intuition feels like you can see all of the hypocracy in the world. You know everything that people will say, how they'll respond. Then, what happens after that. So why bother looking at any of it?

Since I got raped, I've never had one day free of symptoms. I don't know what it's like to wake up and not have to fight to not dissociate. Have you ever not felt abandoned? Have you ever felt like nobody can be bothered to listen to you? What do you do then?

You feel bombarded with non stop images and pain. You know that you're not crazy (whatever that means). You know you're not a threat to anybody. Yet, it still happens. You have to fight hard to not black out. Why? Because you don't have a choice.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But despite that, at times you have thoughts about death. You see yourself and then suddenly, what happens if you weren't around anymore? It's like part of you is saying to others who treated you like shit see what happens when I'm not around? What the fuck are you gonna do then? How will you assholes deal with THAT?

You don't want to feel burned out and like you're turning into a monster. You don't want to go back to alcoholism and other destructive stuff. But symptoms are still there.

Can you go thru one say with no dissociating? In my case, at times I feel like I have the worst migrane you can imagine. It's physically painful to not dissociate. Anger still lashes out, and you try to not snap in two as you struggle to deal with all of this.

I used to try to escape my own pain by taking on the pain of the rest of the world. Finally I just said I can't do it anymore. It doesn't mean you're not aware or don't care. Instead, you have to protect yourself.

It's like you have to fight really hard to protect your self worth. It feels like the rest of the world is trying to beat you down. What other choice do you have?

On really bad days, I just go home, turn everything off and get into bed. Then, I just rock back and forth to try and feel safe. You literally feel like you can't move because you're afraid of what happens then. You have flashbacks to the psychos who raped you and could have killed you.

Does that bother anyone who says they care about you? You could have been killed. Does that matter to you?

You just want to feel safe.

You Just Want to Rest

Finally got thru the doctor appointments this week. On the other hand, symptoms are still a daily struggle. By the end of the day, I can barely move. But you have to keep going.

Talked to my doctor today about trying to follow holistic ideas in your health (health being both physical and mental). Every day despite trying to keep some sense of being grounded, I still get bombarded with pain. If I have a choice, I'd rather not take lots of medication. One reason is because I'm not a case study for testing a new drug. Not always, but many times when a doctor talks about something is safe, you immediately say says who? It's been studied and peer reviewed. Next questions. By who? Was this study paid for by the manufacturer? It wouldn't be the first time.

Aside from a major back operation and some outpatient surgery, I've been lucky in not needing to have further operations. I just trying to protect myself overall. One reason: I've had better luck with holistic health than with traditional treatments.

Time for a break.

Connectivity

Two appointments out of the way. Two more to go this week. In the meantime, I'm also trying to get new blood tests. One is for allergies. the other is for cortisol levels. It's been a long time since I've had the allergy one done. I've never had the cortisol one done, despite everything that's happened and continues to happen to me.

Not in an obsessive way, but I'm trying to take a holistic approach to my health (along with necessary medication and more). For a long time, after I was repeatedly raped NOBODY helped me in person. Nobody said, were you raped? No cops came into the room and saved me from the psycho pedophile. The pressure builds and builds. To try and escape pain, you drink too much. You use soft core porn and online hookers. But none of this works.

Your diet is totally poisoning your system. Tons of salt, sugar, caffeine, and you keep using more and more to escape pain. But it doesn't work.

You feel like you can't trust anybody. Nobody ever helped me before.So, why would they do it now?

My first therapist actually said, I've been treating trauma survivors for almost 30 years, This is the worst case of trauma I've ever seen. I'm surprised you didn't kill yourself years ago from the horrible stress. How do I respond to that?

You have to fight back. Every day is abuse. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Your system can only take so much. Eventually, you start to burn out. But despite that, you can't let your guard down. If you do, you'll fall apart. Everybody who laughed at you and treated you like shit will gang up on you and beat you down.

What else can you do?

Now, I'm trying to face my trauma history as best I can. You have to protect yourself. But, face your pain as best you can.

Trying to Focus

A busy week's coming up with 3 doctor appointments. Symptoms are still there, and occasionally nightmares as well. If not nightmares, then it's just feeling run down all the time. It's like having MS and fibromyalgia all at the same time.

How do you deal with flashbacks and paralyzing despair? May is graduation month, and of course that means a million different emotions all at the same time. In my case, it's a real struggle at times to try and find positive things in the past (much less hold onto them once you do find them). Two nieces and one nephew are graduating, and I try to be as supportive as possible. At the same time, you feel sad and ask how come I didn't have happiness? How come nobody helped me? Where's my sense of justice? Ever feel like you've had to deal with your trauma history all by yourself? Some days I just curl up and cry all day long. You just don't know what else to do.

Dissociating's still a non-stop battle. It's been a while since I blacked out. But the last time it almost happened, I almost had a car accident. It's like you feel you're this close to blacking out, and have to fight really hard to not do it. At other times it's literally hold onto something solid all day and do nothing else.

What else can you do?

Adrenalin surges never stop as well. Or, just when you think they do they start to happen again. Since I got raped, I've never had one day without symptoms.

I don't know what that's like.

You go into a crowded place, and you feel like you're being bombarded with millions of images and pain, all at the same time. Even the usual grounding techniques don't work at times.

What do you do then?

You want to scream and fight hard to not snap. Why? Because you can't give up.

Everything is Draining

For a long time, you fight and fight to not fall apart. Then suddenly, you have nothing to fall behind, and everything comes out all at once. For almost a week, no dreams. Now though, nightmares have come back. What are all of the reasons why? My system is processing trauma again?

You feel at times almost paralyzed. You just want to be safe in your own home. You have to protect yourself.

Lots of Struggle

As more appointments happen, we still struggle with symptoms. Also, at times paralyzing fear. You turn everything off, get into bed and curl up desperately trying to feel safe. You hold onto something solid and try to rock back and forth. You feel like everything is a threat. You can't trust anyone. You can barely move, because if you do you'll be bombarded with pain. If you roll onto one side, the psycho rapist is behind you. You have to fight back.

Is it safe to get out of bed? Is anyone else in the apartment? If you can, you get up and search every room to make sure that nobody else is there. Sometimes my multiples and little kid are scared, and I try to reassure them. Many times they feel like everyone and everywhere is a threat. They're in a dysfunctional system full of mentally ill "immediate family". You're getting bombatded with abuse and pain all the time. There's never a break. Which means you have to fight really hard to try and keep some sense of balance. You don't want to attack anyone. You're not a threat to either yourself or anyone else. But you can only take so much pain.

You fight hard to try and not dissociate. Even as you do that, you scream and fight to not black out. In the past, the stress was so high that my system literally shorted out. Then you wake up and have no idea of where you are. Will that happen again? Fortunately it hasn't. But at times you feel like you will black out.

Can I trust anyone? Is everyone out to lie to us? What the fuck do you REALLY  want? I was evaluated by a psychiatrist about two years ago. She said, in my opinion your symptoms are the same as a Navy Seal who's done hundreds of ultra dangerous tours non-stop, and never got the proper treatment. Now, you're dealing with the long term consequences of that. At times, paralyzing fear. Flashbacks and visions of your own death. I don't have a death wish. But I do have to fight really hard to not fall apart and just not care any more. 

I don't want to die. I don't want to hurt anybody else. But the despair is paralyzing. You can't control other horrible people. But I will do everything I have to to protect myself.

Hold onto something solid. Use the environment around you to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Set boundaries where necessary. You have to protect yourself.

You scream at times and want to kill everyone who gets in your way. But you won't. Despite that, the thoughts are still there.

You have to do the right thing. You have to protect yourself. I'm stuck. Don't know what else to say.

Getting Bombarded from all Sides

How has your week been? Here, it's been exhausting fighting symptoms (both heart and PTSD). Sometimes in the middle of the day, you just sit and want peace and quiet. My doctor says no exercise beyond walking until your next cardiology appointment. Which means you really have to pay attention to how you feel, and not take anything  for granted.

How you deal with flashbacks? Weird thoughts come out of nowhere. I'm in a crowded place with lots of little kids, and the thought comes to mind about raping one. I got raped, so I'll do it to them. No I won't. I'm not a sick twisted pedophile psycho. So why do I have these thoughts? No. The other person wants to rape me and then kill me. So instead of that, I'll rape and kill him first. No, I don't want to do that. I'm not gay or bi. If someone else is, that's none of my business. Again, why do I have these thoughts coming out of nowhere?

Do I want to get a gun and kill everyone who laughed at me and treated me like shit? The thought is there. But no, I won't. You want to protect yourself. Nobody else will do it for you. You have to do it.

Can we trust anybody? Is everybody lying to you when they say they're concerned? I really don't want to end up being a burned out, cynical monster who doesn't give a fuck about anything. Instead, you want to feel like you have some sense of balance.

Abandonment. Grief. Sadness. Despair. One minute you feel like you have some sense of calm. Then, you can barely move. Then again, if it doesn't come out in one way, it comes out in others.

You scream and fight to not fall apart. You can't sit back and do nothing. You just want to feel safe.

Time to Catch Up

Sorry to be away for a while. Had to go back to the ER because of a  week of chest pain. The good news is that it was because of exercising too much (and not some other problem). Now though, my doctor no exercise for a month until you see your cardiologist. Stretching, meditation and tai chi practice, yes. But nothing beyond that.

Be very careful and screen everything. Lots of sick and twisted triggering stuff is everywhere. Dissociating is still a struggle. Now though I've got three things that are draining my energy (cardiomyopathy, an irregular heart beat and PTSD symptoms). I still have bad days where you feel abandoned. Nobody can be bothered to listen. Do I really have to do all of this myself?

I still have thoughts at times about raping little kids. But despite that, I'm not crazy. I'm not some psycho pedophile. You feel sad at times because of how hard you have to fight to keep some sense of balance. Nobody else is going to help you. So what else can you do?

Some days you cry and rock back and forth, trying to feel safe. No noise, no being bombarded with pain. You just want to feel safe.

Have a good day.

Long Term Effects

More fighting symptoms and trying not to black out. Also, the long term effects of unchecked stress. Eventually it has to wear you down in many ways (lower autoimmune levels, digestion and others). Fortunately I don't have any other serious illness. But the concern is there.

More chest pain and shortness of breath. Arrhythmia happens almost all the time now. At times you just sit and rest. Turn everything off, and just pay attention to how you feel.

More appointments coming soon.

What Affects Your System?

In addition to my regular appointments, I'm also trying to get tested for various allergies that I think can make my symptoms worse. Up until now, allergies have been talked about. But nobody's ever tested me for anything.

It's all interconnected. In addition to that, how long term ultra high stress affects your autoimmune system. I'm trying to do some kind of exercise every day, unless I just don't have any energy. Right now, every day there's chest pain. Which means no more for tonight.

You Have to Fight Back

Lots of struggle today to not dissociate. Also, fear and feeling paralyzed with despair. No matter what, do something else. Because you have no other choice.

Chest Pain and More

Struggling with chest pain, flasbacks and other symptoms. We just want to rest.

Struggling to Not Black Out (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Had another blood test today to see if my main heart med was working okay. Still too high, so I have to come back once a week to be tested. Tomorrow, I go to the psychiatrist.

Meanwhile, it's a struggle today to not black out. I try to be more aware of my body chemistry so I can protect myself. As I do, you get flooded with flashbacks and psycosis symptoms. The fact that you have psycosis symptoms in connection with PTSD doesn't mean that you're psycotic or schitzophrenic. But it's still scary.

It can be a range of things. Thinking someone is there when they're not. Being attacked by monsters. Feeling like you're going to be possessed or completely dissolve. Also, dissociating rituals.

In the past, I would dissociate and do different things. Watch softcore porn, use online hookers and more. You watch, masturbate, and it's safe. safe in the sense that nobody will laugh at you. Nobody will say no. She'll do whatever you want. Then when you ejaculate, you try to prevent it out of not wanting to dissociate and disappear. Did that stress add to my heart disease? I don't know.

Other psycosis symptoms were nightmares. Really horrible monsters were trying to break down my front door. They're watching me, and want to break in and kill me. Sometimes I wouldn't sleep for three days at a stretch, until I passed out. Speech is distorted. There are gaps in time where you have no idea what happened. Your multiples lash out, and then you don't know why people are screaming at you. At times, i still have problems with distorted speech. But I'm trying to protect myself.

Tomorrow, we'll see what the psychiatrist has to say.

Protecting Yourself

Another appointment with the therapist, and  more struggle with symptoms. My trauma history is one contributing factor to my heart disease and PTSD. Other than a tiny number of people in person, nobody else was there. Do you have to do everything by yourself? I've never had one day that's completely free of dissociating. At times I have periods where I can focus for a short time. But along with that comes depression. You don't know what to do. How do you react to that?

You have to protect yourself. Is everybody abusive, evil and nasty? Like lots of other survivors, I'm trying to set boundaries as best I can. Nobody else will do it. On the other hand, you feel like you're getting bombarded with pain. What then?

A Holistic Approach

Went to the cardiologist today, and it's a mix. My irregular heartbeat is getting worse, which means come back in another three months for another ultrasound. In the meantime, stick to my holistic routine (in addition to medication and appointments). Really pay attention to tiny details in how you feel. If you have pain or a bad day with PTSD symptoms, stop what you're doing and just rest.

More stuff tomorrow.