Violent Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

I won't list all of the violent triggering garbage that's everywhere you look. But we know it's there, and you know that you have to protect yourself. Every day it's a constant battle to not dissociate and just fall apart. You can't take on the pain of the world and yours at the same time. However, you can be aware and remember that your well being comes first.

Nightmares still happen. Usually you then wake up and wonder, how do I go back to sleep? Many times I can't, and instead sit in my living room with peace and quiet. Even in the middle of the night, the sick, violent and racist garbage keeps going. If you're not careful, you feel like you're trapped in an endless loop of dissociating. You have to fight back. You don't have the option of doing nothing.

On bad days with anger, you feel like you're going to snap. I have no desire to hurt myself or anyone else. But you have to do the responsible thing. Sometimes in  a crowded place, I just sit. People circulate all around, business keeps on going. Despite that, I just sit and want some sense of safety. Are all of these people psycho terrorists that want to attack and kill me? Probably not. But you do have to protect yourself.

Do you feel like you're the only person that sees all of the hypocracy in the world? I know I'm not. But you still at times have that feeling. I'm six steps ahead of everybody else. I don't want to have a gun in my house to feel safe. I've thought about it. But it's too expensive. So I carry other things with me when I go out. Why? Because I feel safer. At night, I keep my cell phone and a knife next to my bed. You have to protect yourself.

Do you struggle feeling like nobody's listening to you? None of the psychos  that repeatedly raped me were ever prosecuted. Nobody did jail time. I got no compensation. I still have violent flashbacks to being raped and screaming in terror.

Nobody saved me.
People say they care about me. But they want nothing to do with me.
I have no desire to torture or rape little kids. But at times those thoughts are there.

You have to protect your well being. Nobody else will do it for you.

Do you feel abandoned? Do you feel paralyzed and don't know what to do? At times I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to go out. I just want to feel safe in my own home. If I have nightmares, many times I get up and check all over the house to make sure that nobody's here. You have to do it.

On bad days, I just turn things off and rock back and forth. I just want to feel safe.

Protecting Your Health

A lot in done in stages today. I finished with my latest counselor, who gave me lots of helpful ideas and a referral to a second low income health center. The idea being, draw on as many sources as possible. Then make informed choices.

That being said, there are some days where there's lots of horrible pain. My now former counselor says that one part of this is that you can't avoid that. Considering how severe your symptoms have been (and for how long they were untreated), this isn't strange in any way.

I still fight to not dissociate. For a long time I used lots of other way to escape (drugs, hookers, soft core porn, etc.).  Finally I reached a point and said I can't live like this anymore. Which means you go from having a sex partner anytime you want who will do anything you want to not having anyone there. You realize that it's an empty bed. There's nobody there. No matter what you do, it's just you. You could say that's growth in one sense. It's also terrifying in another in almost feeling abandoned.

As I said, when these decisions come up (dissociate and disappear, or go the other way), I choose to go the other way. Lately, this has meant almost no sleep for the past 4 or 5 nights. You try and cope as best you can by just resting and trying to focus your energy so you finally feel like you can move.
But also, I like real things with real people. Not just some screen image.

Dissociating at times is really painful. You feel like you can't focus. It's almost like holding onto something and fighting to not black out.

Despite all that, I know I did nothing wrong. None of this is weird. If it doesn't come out in a good way, it will come out in bad ways. Now though, my health comes first.