Protect Yourself

Yes, it's another one of those triggering stuff is everywhere kind of day. Is it safe to look at anything? If i do turn on my TV, 99% of the time I turn the sound down. You have to protect yourself.

In the morning, it takes about fifteen minutes to put my socks and shoes on. Why? Because of adrenalin surges. If you don't massage them, you feel like there's nothing there. If you're running, you have to focus your chi flow. Otherwise it's like you completely fall apart and can't move at all.

Do I have some neurological disease? Fortunately no. But that struggle is still there.

Nightmares still happen. Sometimes I have to turn on all the lights and walk around to make sure that no one else is here. Look on the other side of the bed to make sure the psycho rapist isn't there. Do you still have flashbacks to where you feel  worthless? Am I going to die of AIDS? Will anybody feel safe being around me?

Do these fears ever go away?

Do you scream and not know where you are? What's real and what isn't? I still don't know sometimes.

I just try to protect myself. I also keep in mind it's not my job to save the world. I'm not responsible for what others say and do. I'm busy enough with my own pain.

Time to rest.