What Do I Have?

An early Happy Xmas. Sorry to be away for a while. But the past week has been a struggle with symptoms, the holidays, and feeling like all of my backed up trauma is flooding out.

I rarely get any sleep at night. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. When I can, I can slowly take a shower and get dressed. But when I standup and walk, I have to go extremely slowly because I feel like I have literally no energy. My appetite is down, and anything acidic I really can't handle.

What is it?:

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Fibromyalgia
MS
or something else?

I'm not sure. I will go to my doctor after Xmas to find out more. I think right now it's backed up trauma flooding out (mainly in exhaustion). But at times I really have to focus on breathing, because it's hard to do.

What is this? I'm not sure.

Quality Content and Promotion

Lots of stuff is a struggle right now around the holidays. In our healing, there's lots of depression and emptiness. It takes a HUGE amount of energy to get out of bed and get thru the day. On the other hand, it's all part of your healing process.

Thanks to our global network of readers. I don't know who you are. But you do, and thanks for the support. In exchange for all of this free stuff, we ask one thing. Please pass our URL onto others UNLESS it might cause a problem in some way.

Back to the tea.

How to Not Dissociate? Read This

For whatever reasons, it feels like all of my symptoms are getting worse. You feel run down, and at times can barely walk up a flight of stairs. However, all of the sources that I trust say the same thing. It's not abnormal. If trauma doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others.

How do you not dissociate? These are just suggestions. Hope these help you as well.

As reasonably as possible, block all triggering content.
Delete content when needed.
Delete people when needed.
Try to get anger out in the most non-threatening way possible.
Fight to get past your stuck fight-or-flight mechanism.
Stay off stimulants as much as possible.
Keep up on your sleep.
Take breaks in the day when needed.
As positively as possible, say to yourself do something else that's positive.
It's not your fault.
You're not weird, a freak, or any other ridiculous garbage that other horrible people put out.
You're not abnormal in any way.
Do you really have to look at something? If it's not your job, is it worth it if it's going to make you dissociate for hours?
Sadness and a feeling of abandonment are not abnormal in healing from severe trauma.
You have no control over what others say and do. But you can protect your well being.
If you have thoughts about suicide, admitting that you do is healthy. Then don't act on them.
Don't intentionally put yourself in a dangerous situation.
Listen to your intuition. The healthier you are, the sharper it is.

More as it happens.

Screen Everything

Your mind/body connection is one thing. For the past few nights, nightmares have been getting worse. Also, a rapid heart beat, trouble focusing, trying not to attack anyone. What's been the plan for today?

Basically, take a break from a lot. Job hunting still goes on. But as for other stuff, screen everything and just pay attention to how you feel. Try not to slip and end up violently dissociating where you have no idea of where you are. My fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. Adrenaline surges still happen as well.

However, it's all part of healing from long term severe trauma.

Can Nutrition Cure PTSD and Other Trauma Symptoms? It Can help

If you're just discovering us, thanks for the time. As our readers know, we try to post a helpful blend of holistic information. Diet, exercise, meditation, and other stuff to help trauma survivors lower their stress as they seek help. With that in mind, that brings up the question about nutrition. Can nutrition be a helpful tool in healing from PTSD  symptoms (regardless of the underlying cause of the trauma)? In my opinion, it's one of many helpful tools.

Start with the basic concept of what traumatic energy is. It's energy trapped on a cellular level in different parts of your body. Ideally, you want a trained therapist to help you release it in the most non-threatening way possible. That in itself can be a huge challenge. Finding someone that you can afford AND trust.

If you don't stay away from stimulants (refined sugar, salt, MSG, processed soy), this will magnify that trapped energy. Too much caffeine over stimulates (and can potentially damage) neurons in your brain. Why not try to stay off of these as much as possible.

This doesn't mean never have fun or enjoy nice food, drinks, etc. Just be aware of the effects of things on you. Triggering content could be just as damaging as stimulants on your mind/body system. Is it one thing? Or, the traditional AMA idea of separate? Keep in mind back in the '50s, many doctors said that smoking was good for you and single payer health care was a evil Communist plot. However, Obama isn't a Communist or a Socialist. He's just someone with leadership potential who isn't using it (IMO).

As I continue to heal from a long history of untreated vicious abuse, I'm sticking to no caffeine. I've been off it for about six months, and I still have hallucinations from hyper acidity. Is there any way to measure how your nervous system heals (other than an acupuncturist using a meter to measure your chi flow)?

More stuff later.

Bombarded and Trying Not to Scream

You try to focus and stay grounded. Then, you feel like you're being bombarded with a million different flashbacks. It's like millions of fast cuts in a video, and you don't know how to stop it. You don't want to black out, because then you have no idea of where you are. Which means many times you grab the nearest thing to you and hold on.

I'm staying off of stimulants as best I can because my physical tolerance for them is gone. The tiniest amount still acts as a trigger for everything. You literally can't concentrate and feel like you're bouncing off the walls. Then, you're going to snap in two.

How do you keep from blacking out?

One key is that it's not your fault. None of this is an abnormal response to long term untreated trauma. It might feel like the rest of the world is falling apart. Despite that, you try to keep a sense of balance.

Does everything feel like a threat? How do you cope with that?

Getting Bombarded with Flashbacks

A rough night last night with endless flashbacks. You try to ground yourself, but many times it doesn't work. You scream and try to not black out. If you do, what happens then?

Pay attention to how things affect you. Is it second nature, or possibly bad for you?

How's Your Chi Flow?

Not a bad day today in trying to stay off of stimulants. This doesn't mean never have fun and don't enjoy good food, etc. Just be aware of how things affect you. It's like as your system stays cleaner, you're more aware of tastes, chemicals affecting your system and emotions as well.

Trying to focus and not dissociate.

Flashbacks and nightmares are still happening. It's not because you had a snack too late at night. It's because backed up trauma is flooding out. At times there are bits and pieces of scenes that I don't know. At others it's like one after another. You try to focus and not black out, but it's tough.

We're just trying for a sense of balance.

Keep Your Focus

Another rough start to he day. Fight to focus and feel like you have some sense of smooth energy flow in your body. Anger comes flooding out, and you feel like you're going to snap. How do you not do that in a crowded place? You still have to screen everything, because weird triggering stuff comes out of nowhere.

On the other hand, this is all part of a normal healing from long term abuse. Just try to keep your balance.

An Overall Approach

Trying to stay warm with some nice herbal tea. I already did the shopping for the night. Besides, it's too cold for a late night fast food run. Stay comfortable.

As part of that, try to stay off sugar and other stimulants as much as possible. My physical tolerance is gone, and the tiniest amount makes everything worse. I still have to focus to not lose sensation in different parts of  my body (due to adrenalin surges).

What causes this? I think it's backed up traumatic energy in different parts of your body. You exercise and try to keep a smooth energy flow. Yet you still have moments where you fight to not black out.

What else can you do?

Time to Break Our Rule

While normally we don't talk about progressive politics in this blog, sometimes you have to break that rule. In case you haven't heard this news, Nelson Mandela sadly passed away Thursday night at the age of 95.

We all know that despite all of the trauma he experienced in his life, he still managed to forgive. How did he do that? I'm not sure. Then again, while every trauma survivor's different and heals at different rates, it's also up to them what they choose to do in that process.

When you can, just pause for a moment and then carry on.

A Lot to Do

Still struggling with depression an my other symptoms Despite that, we just try to focus and keep moving forward, protecting yourself in the process.

As we try to stay grounded, you have to be careful to screen everything. Weird triggering stuff can happen onlne at any time. If necessary, block and delete.

As others struggle with trying to heal from their trauma, one key for me is to say I can't deal with my pain AND everyone else's all at the same time. My well being comes first. As long as that's okay, if an opportunity to help someone happens, then I'll try.

Why do others who say they're concerned treat you horribly (when they know it's not your fault)? I don't know. Having said that, keep in mind that they have to live with the consequences of their actions. Not you.

Have a great day.

Pay Attention

Normally we stay away from progressive political content. If you want that, there are billions of other blogs. Then again, once you know the rules you can break them to make a point.

We know that many vets have untreated PTSD symptoms. We also know that both women and guy vets are raped while on duty. In the past two weeks, four Canadian vets killed themselves. What are all of the reasons why? I'm not sure.

Despite that, this is yet another perfect opportunity to both educate and help millions who have untreated PTSD symptoms. The corporate MSM continues to perpetuate the myth that ONLY vets get PTSD. How then do you explain the ten percent of the Stateside population that have some form of it?

No disrespect to vets. But they don't have an exclusive lock on PTSD symptoms. It happens all thru society.

Whether you're  a vet or a civilian, you deserve to be heard and treated with respect to be able to heal from something that you didn't ask for. Is drugging people so they'll shut up about having PTSD the answer? No, it's not. It's a combination of many things (medication is necessary, people who will respect you and take you seriously, and more).

How is your healing these days? I have no desire to go back to rampant alcoholism or kill myself. on the other hand, it's important to admit when those thoughts are there. In my case, denial isn't an issue.
This means that backed up trauma will come out. If it doesn't, then you have big problems.

Will the corporate MSM stop pushing stupid stereotypes so trauma survivors can heal?

Trying to Keep a Sense of Focus

Lots of anger, frustration and feeling abandoned right now. We haven't snapped yet and attacked anybody (fortunately). It's a constant fight to not dissociate and feel paralyzed by depression. Going back on meds won't help. What else can we do?

Depression and More (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

I'm trying to keep my system clean as I deal with symptoms. Despite that, at times nightmares and other symptoms get worse. You have to shock yourself awake in the morning so you don't feel like you're cool and calm on the outside, and screaming on the inside. You feel bombarded with pain and flashbacks. Many times it's like bits and pieces that you don't know. On the other hand, you can't just sit back and do nothing.

It's not a matter of torturing yourself. It's a matter of trying to face your trauma history as best you can. As you do that, one minute it's pain. Then, almost crippling depression. Not to the point of wanting to off yourself or going back to anti-depressants that don't help (at least in my case).

All of the mental health sources that I trust say the same thing. Considering your long history of horrible untreated trauma, it only makes sense that it's flooding out now. If it didn't, then you'd have another breakdown.

Flashbacks happen, and you fight to not give into sick and twisted abuse and dissociative loops. What else can you do? As you do fight back, you have to be careful to not black out. By the end of the day, you're so wiped out you literally can't get up.

There's no long term illness caused by this abuse. No neurological damage in any way. Yet, I have to fight to focus every day. Even by doing the usual grounding techniques, many don't work.

What do you do then?

In my case, it's a long history of abuse, abandonment and fighting to no fall apart. Rampant alcoholism, addictions and severe illnesses. A serious junk food habit that only made things worse. Try roughly 300 gram of sugar a day. Endless gallons of caffeine, lots of salt and various other chemicals.

Now, I don't do that stuff anymore. The junk food is still a battle at times. But nowhere as out of control as it used to be.

We just want a sense of balance. Not perfectionism. But balance.

A Holiday Lead In

An early Happy Thanksgiving. Also, fighting hard to not dissociate and not black out. We're averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night.

We're not crazy, insane, sick, psychotic, or a danger to ourselves or anybody else. Don't dissociate. Do something else.

A Mix

Staying in tonight, and trying to stay warm. Lots of herbal tea and late night snacks to help. If you time them right, they can. If you eat too late, then your risk nightmares.

What about trauma survivors who deal with a wide range of symptoms and emotions? Are some more susceptible to others when their systems are effected by chemicals and other stuff in their diet? I think they are. At least I know that I am.

One minute, we feel like there's some sense of focus. Then, you fight to not scream and black out. Will one of my multiples lash out and attack somebody, and I won't know it? How do you deal with that? In my case, I've had all four major type of dissociative blackouts:

You lose you sense of hearing. Everything sounds garbled.
You lose track of time. Usually this means that one or more of your multiples take over. Then, you're left standing there with no idea of what happened.
You're driving, and then suddenly see that you're about 100 miles past where you wanted to be.

It's been a while since my system shorted out, and then you have no idea of where you are. However, at times it feels like it might happen.

What do you do then?

Our intuition is feeling pretty sharp right now. This means that you feel like you're seeing all of the hypocrisy in the world. You're not the ONLY one who sees it. But it feels like you are.

How do you deal with that? Do you scream and smash stuff against the wall? Do you feel like you're getting bombarded with all of the pain in the world from everyone else? How do you protect yourself?

Do you have nightmare and body pain? Do you feel like you're going to snap? After fighting this all day long, we can barely move. Go back on meds? No thanks. They actually made symptoms worse, because they were like a band aid.

These days, we're fighting to not dissociate at least a hundred times a day. In the most positive way we can, we're trying to say don't do it. Go the other way, and see what happens. This means spending lots of time walking around to make sure that you're safe. You still have to fight off the psycho rapist in flashbacks. You stab him with your knife in a vulnerable spot so he'll break his grip. Then yous stab him again, break the grip and then slam him against the wall, and then stab and kill him before he kills you.

It doesn't matter that it's only a lucid dream. You HAVE  to protect yourself. If you don't, you fall apart. Just going with your feelings doesn't work. Do you want to fall apart, or protect your well being?

While we can't make other horrible people get it about trauma, we WILL protect ourselves. Nobody else will do it.

Anger, Sadness and Feeling Abandoned

There are some moments of clarity. Then, you focus so you won't scream, attack anyone or black out. This isn't abnormal in any way. This is a normal survival/healing response to a long history of violent abuse.

You go to sleep at night, or at least you try to. Many times, you end up fighting to not snap and fall apart because of flashbacks  or body pain. You have to screen everything because at times you feel like you're being bombarded with hypocracy. Can you trust anybody? Is everybody lying?

We're just trying to keep a sense of balance. Not perfection, but balance. But we still have paralyzing fear.

Don't Get Eaten Alive By Anger and More

We all have our good and evil sides. However, when you feel like you have to suppress your anger to survive and not get abused, how do you do that? We did that for a long time to literally survive. Now, we have bad days where our evil side is screaming all kinds of horrible stuff. We don't act on it out loud. But it's still there.

Lately, there have been more nightmares, dissociating, pain and adrenalin surges. It takes about five minuets a day to put my shoes on due to adrenalin surges. If you don't concentrate, it feels like I don't have sensation in different parts of my body.

How do you cope with that? It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Yet it feels like the world wants nothing to do with you.

I'm not trying to torture myself or be a professional patient. Instead, face the full reality of your trauma history in the most non-threatening way you can. Protect your well being at all costs.

Can you screen everything? No you can't. You can however try to protect yourself. Don't take everything as being second nature. Do I really have to deal with this, or not? What does your intuition say? I'm not always right. But I do okay.

Do you feel like you're the only one who sees all the hypocracy in the world? I know I'm not. On the other hand, I do hear that a lot from other survivors.

Just cove your bases and say, we're not insane. These is a survival and healing mechanism from a log history of horrible abuse. Which isn't my fault.

Keeping Some Sense of Control

The longer you stay clean, the more backed up trauma comes out. For the past few days, it's either nightmares or now adrenalin surges. You try to focus and keep some smooth chi flow in your body. However, at times you don't have any feeling in different parts of your body. Right now it takes me about three minutes to put my shoes on. Why? Because I have to focus really hard to keep some sense of focus and sensation in them.

What are all of the reasons for this happening? We're no sure. Having said that, we know we're on the right track in our holistic healing. Almost 6 months now with no caffeine. Maybe the adrenalin surges happen because of stimulant withdrawl? Not sure.

You fight to not black out from dissociating. Anger is also tough to not give into. What keep sme from attacking everybody who gets in my way? Aside form jail time, also not wanting to sink down to someone else's disfunctional level.

It's all connected.

Paying Attention to Our Balance

Another night of almost no sleep. Had more nightmares where you want to scream, but you can't for about ten seconds. We almost called a crisis line because we thought, are we insane? I'm not psycotic or a danger to anybody. So why is this happening?

It's happening because it's backed up traumatic energy that hasn't been dealt with. It has to come out, and as long as your system is healthy it will. That still doesn't take away the terror.

Stat away from chemicals as much as possible. Be nice to yourself. Set boundaries where necessary. Another one is to block and delete when needed online. It's okay to not be on call to everyone 24/7. Nobody's paying me to do that. Which means it's okay to say no.

Some tea and then an early night in.

How Your Balance Today?

While the laptop at home recharges, we're working online on someone else's desktop. If all else fails, work off the I-phone. Overkill? You be the judge.

We're really trying to pay attention to how things affect you. Don't assume that everything is second nature, and that's okay. Instead, ask do I really need to do this? Does this make me feel good, or run down?

We didn't do that for a long time. A lot was a vicious cycle to escape pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest parts of our healing. For a long time, lots of destructive dissociating stuff was normal. Now, don't do it.

Does this mean that one or maybe more of my multiples are lashing out because of this change? We're not sure. However, the pain is there. Also, seeing lots of hypocracy everywhere we look.

Are we the only ones who see this? No. At times though, it feels like it.

We just want a sense of balance. No death wish. No desire to hurt either ourselves or anyone else.

What do we do now?

Struggling with Addictions and More

Another day with fighting dissociating and trying to keep some sense of balance. Do you struggle with lots of addictions? Whether you do or not, keep in mind the reasons why people have them.

Is it because you're genetically pre-disposed? Is that were true, every single person in a group would be affected.

People have addictions to escape pain. However, your first thought that it will let you escape pain is wrong. It only makes things worse.

We have about five or six different addictions, in addition to PTSD symptoms. Then again, it's not our fault. As long as we stay as generally as we can, we'll be okay. It's not our fault.

How Do You Deal With It?

As you heal from your trauma history, how do you deal with PTSD symptoms? We feel like all of the pain from fighting a long history of abuse is coming out. We try not to torture ourselves, and to face this head on as best we can.

We're talking about a long history of abuse. Rampant alcoholism. A severe junk food habit. Several anit depressant addictions. Severe illnesses ranging from pneumonia to bronchitis and heart disease.

Despite all of that, we're still here. Trying to keep a sense of balance. Not perfectionism, but balanceu

Lots of Emptiness and Pain

There are moments of clarity. Also, there's ots of pain.It feels like all the backed up pain from being a rapre survivor is flooding out. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. Go thru the motions, and the pain is still there.

However, it's not our fault. We did nothing wrong.We stretch out and try to pay attention to how we feel. But the pain and dissociating are still there.

What's Real and What Isn't

Another day of trying to not dissociate and keep some sense of focus. At times, you don't know what's real and what isn't. This means thoroughly checking out the area to make sure that you're safe. Because what else can you do?

We're just trying to basically stay as healthy as we can. The nightmares and sick and twisted lucid dreams still happen as well. On the other hand, none of it is abnormal. It's all part of healing from a long history of untreated severe abuse.

How to Be Heard in a Good Way (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Just when you think you're safe, a cold front hits. Then again, at least there's no snow. Snow's only allowed if you're in a Swiss chalet and somebody else is shoveling it.

Symptoms are still there. A long day of fighting to not dissociate. Also, despair and a feeling of abandonment. Do you have times where you're trying to get support from someone who says they want to be supportive? Then, they essentially say shut the f**k up and go away?

How do you deal with that? You didn't ask to be a trauma survivor and have sick and horrible flashbacks and other problems. You're not weird, a freak, a pedophile or any of that other garbage.

But you still get the same reaction. What do you do then?

Keep in mind that it's not your fault. If other horrible people can't get that, that's their problem. You're doing everything you can to protect your well being. Not perfection, but balance. If you feel sad or abandoned, reassure yourself, your multiples and your little kid that you're telling the truth. That's all that matters.

Time for some more tea.

Use the Space Around You

Covering lots of bases today with job hunting and dealing with symptoms. How to not dissociate? One way is to use the space that you're in in a creative way. Hold onto solid things. Literally reach out in front of you and say, no one's there. The psycho pedophile isn't there. The hot babe who will do anything I say at any time and not laugh at me because I'm a rape survivor.

I'm safe and in my home. At times I have to search every room to make sure that I am. Then again, that's normal considering my abuse history.

What helps you?

How to Not Dissociate

It's been a rough past four days. Lots of violent dissociating, and I almost felt like I had another nervous breakdown. Then Sunday, just chill. Turn everything off, and pay attention to how you feel.

Last night, almost no sleep.It feels like all of our backed up traumatic energy is flooding out. We go out at times and scream. We want to punch anyone who gets in our way. Luckily, I've never given in to that and done jail time for assault. However, the anger, fear and feeling abandoned are still there.

What do we do now?

Screen Everything

The new software and upgrades seem to be working on my new laptop. Am I as powerful as the NSA? Not yet. But these things take time.

As for other things, dissociating continues to be one of the hardest symptoms to deal with. It feels at times like it's slightly easier to fight back than before to maintain some sense of balance. On the other hand, you feel sad because of everything you've had to go through to reach this point.

Just keep in mind it's not our fault.

Symptoms and Balance

How's your overall well being? Do you still have nightmares and other pain? At times, nightmares seem to get worse and worse. All of the mental health sources that we trust say the same thing. It's unprocessed backed up trauma that's flooding out.

We still have to screen all content. Our intuiton isn't aways right. But our percentage is pretty good. Trust it and see what happens.

Don't dissociate and see how you feel.

Helping Your Healing

Since there are millions of trauma survivors, this means that each one has their own history and story. Everyone heals at different rates and uses their own approach to try and do just that.

In our case, we still struggle with nightmares, body pain and other symptoms. Meditation helps to a certain extent. But the symptoms are still there.

Do you ask questions like why didn't I do more to stop the psycho rapist(s)? How come I didn't fight back, instead of freezing? How come I didn't grab the closest weapon and kill all three of them? Like many parts of healing, you ask the question: do these thoughts ever go away?

It's not a matter of being a professional patient. It's a matter of trying to face the full reality/terror of your trauma history in the most non-threatening way you can. As we do that, there are moments of feeling abandoned. Is there one other person that doesn't believe that we're their worst nightmare? Sometimes, you're not sure.

You have to fight hard to not dissociate. To not give in and say just kill yourself because nobody gives a f**k anyway. We fight really hard to maintain our well being. Usually at the end of the day, we're totally wiped out. On the other hand, we're not on medication, which is a positive step.

Where's my herbal tea?

Trying for a Balance

Yes, it really has been a long week. More applications, despair at times and trying to not dissociate. In our case, it's like drinking again. Do we really want to do that? No. Instead, try to do something positive.

Nightmares still happen, but there's no common theme to them. At other times, it feels like all of your fears come out all at once. You still feel abandoned and have to remind yourself, it's not our fault. If others want to say and do horrible tuff, that's their problem to deal with.

There are some moments of clarity. Then, feeling abandoned. What do we do now? One key is by having good energy flow thru your body, it seems to help in dealing with adrenalin surges and other symptoms. They don't all disappear. Instead, you have a sense of everything being connected, which it is.

Since I was raped by three psycho pedophiles, I've never had one day free of symptoms. I don't know what's it like to wake up and not have to fight all day long to keep some sense of balance. On the other hand, I know that this is a perfectly normal coping mechanism in healing.

Have a nice day.

Dealing With Pain (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

A quiet night in as we write and try to focus on a sense of balance. Body pain is still there at times. In your arms, legs, hip and elsewhere. Dissociating still happens and is tough to not slip into. You could go back into destructive dissociative stuff. Then again, do you really want to disappear for literally days at a time? No.

For whatever reasons, it seems like there's more destructive stuff out there. Violence, rape, murder, I-don't-give-a-f**k-what-you-think attitudes and more. How many times have you heard nobody's MAKING you watch/listen to/read this. If you don't like it, shut the f**k up and go away! Is it because they're evil, powerful and want to dominate the world? Is it because they have money, power and think they're way better than the rest of us? Who knows.

One answer is to screen all content. Block where necessary and say no when needed. Many survivors talk about wanting to save the world. While that's nice, in reality it's too much by yourself. Instead, what's more important? If you're well being isn't okay, how can you be effective?

In my case, dissociating at times is still violent. Think of it as severe alcoholism. If you do it, you'll escape horrible pain? Your first impulse might say yes. In reality, no it won't. It just makes it worse.

What should you do? In the most positive way you can, don't dissociate. Do anything that's positive that makes you feel good. If you're dealing with addictions and you slip, you didn't ask to have them. Odds are you were using to make long term pain go away. Some heroin addicts use because they feel like someone cares for them afterwards. They feel like a normal human being.

In the same sense, does violent dissociating make you feel like a normal person? It might shut off the pain and give you a sense of quiet. In my case, it makes you forget about time. Then you feel like you're trapped in a cage with no way out. Your fight-or-flight mechanism is stuck. Mine is still stuck. I still struggle at times to get anger out without literally snapping in two and blacking out.

This tells me that my severe symptoms are still there. They're not my fault. Also, denial isn't an issue. It used to be. But not now.

If you feel like you've had a relapse in some way, be as nice as you can to yourself. Again, in my experience I was a notorious alcoholic and junk food addict because of horrible pain. I didn't ask to be. However, it happened.

Now, I'm sober and still struggle with the junk food. On the other hand, I know overall I'm covering the right things. I can't control other horrible people and the idiotic s**t that they say and do. That's their problem. If they rich, famous and powerful, even more so.

A lot of people talk about self care, but they should because of the importance of it. No trauma survivor is evil. Instead, they just want among other things a sense of validation. If you give me a reassuring hug, you won't get raped. Then again, you can't control others.

Just keep in mind that you exist and you matter.

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere Part II

Lots of errands today. Also, try as positively as you can to not dissociate. There's emptiness and scary feelings of abandonment. Then again, it's not my fault. All of this is a normal survival response to a long history of abuse.

Another thing to recognize is the damage that destructive people and triggering stuff can do to you. As I keep going and stay clean, more scary realizations happen. And I didn't see this damage that was happening.

Now though, I do. It really is all connected.

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

Unless you have to look at it, stay away as much as possible from all triggering stuff. My intuition is screaming it's only going to make you dissociate. Why does it seem like almost everything is dangerous right now? I'm not sure.

Aside from personal power and profit, there's the old MSM "if it bleeds, it leads". It's one thing to say that if you're a managing editor. Then again, if you're a trauma survivor trying to protect your well being, it's something else.

Last night was another rough night of violent dissociating. As your system stays cleaner, more scary realizations happen. Which also means that you have to work really hard to try and keep some sense of balance.

If you don't, who else is going to do it for you?

What else can you do? Try to keep some a sense of positive focus. It's okay to work hard and keep a balance between work and after work. One key that I'm worried about is not turning into some burned out cynical monster, because of being a rape survivor.

If you feel the urge to dissociate, do something else that's positive instead. To me, it's just like a junkie shooting up. They think that will give them some relief from pain. In reality, it only makes it worse.

I don't want to disappear and not know where I am for literally days at a time. Take things in tiny segments. Do something else, and see what happens.

Scared of Giving in to Dissociating

Another day of trying to keep some sense of balance. We still have to say as best you can, don't dissociate. Do something positive instead. You try to stick to that, but you also feel like you're getting bombarded by triggering stuff from every direction.

 You try to keep a sense of balance. However, that's hard when you feel like you're fighting to not black out from fear, a feeling of abandonment, and getting hit by body pain.

You scream because you're terrified of what feels like endless sick lucid dreams and flashbacks. I'm not insane. I'm not psychotic. Why then do I feel like I have the same sick stuff endlessly happening to me?

One reason is because my symptoms have been that severe and untreated for that long. Now, we're healing overall from a long history of severe abuse.

We're telling the truth. We're not insane, sick, weird, a freak, or anything else. We're healing from a long history of abuse.

I don't want to dissociate. I don't want to feel like I have no idea whatsoever of what's going on. It's balance. Not perfectionism, but balance.

Do you feel like you're getting bombarded by triggering stuff everywhere you look? How do you deal with that?

What Are your Options?

You've heard it a million times before. But we'll mention it again. Especially right now as triggering stuff is everywhere (think of it as a smog alert that never ends), protect yourself as best you can. Then, have as many options as possible.

You could wait for the world to come to you. However, just in my experience, it doesn't work like that. That doesn't mean that everyone is evil and just wants to screw you over and then kill you. You should try to be proactive and create your own network of sources that you trust and then opportunities.

How do you explain all of the evil and nastiness in so many others? One answer is it's class warfare. I'm not sure how it is for all of our global audience. But here in the States, it really is the Top 1% against the Bottom 99%.

That's one reason why I'm officially retired from reading/writing/dealing with online comments (excluding this blog, of course). If I don't have to deal with it, I won't. Why?  Because it's all hate. Racism, death threats against Obama, and literally nothing to do with the original subject. Instead, I'll f******g rip the s**t out of you, and then kill you.

"Terms of Service" agreements that many of these social media sites have? That's a really bad joke. you're on your own. They're far too busy making major corporate profits to spend money on online cops to police this stuff.

When is "The Great Tipping Point" going to happen? I have no idea. In other countries, people don't screw around. If you have to act, you act. Here, many can't be bothered. Which means it's constantly recycling the same "what do we do?" comments.

The cynical response would be, it depends on how much money and power you have. As for me, I'm sticking to the idea that my well being comes first. If that's not together, then how can you be effective in other areas?

Do you know any sane and rational person who actually believes that people like being poor, on benefits and treated like dirt? To decent human beings, that's just really insulting. To the Top1%, that's just more of their usual delusional propaganda.

Is it really only about who has more money and power?

A Tough Couple of Days

How has your week been? Sorry to be off for a while. But the past few days have been rough with lots of violent dissociating. You literally feel like you have no control and don't know where you are. You scream and fight to not black out and then get some sense of focus again.

In my case, it's kind of like severe alcoholism. The first reaction is that it will stop horrible pain. Instead, it makes it worse. What's the answer? As best you can, don't dissociate. Do something else. This means fighting to ground yourself or to just literally at times say, I won't dissociate. For  long time, violent dissociating was a second nature way of surviving. Now, how do you change that?

The frustration, despair and feelings of abandonment are still there. The horrible realization of how severe symptoms have been. Then again, part of your healing process is to face your trauma history in the most non-threatening way you can.

Everybody has their own ways to cope with healing from trauma. In our case, part of it is trying to
basically be as healthy as you can. Not perfectionism. But a sense of balance.

When we're really scared, my multiples, little kid and I like to just sit and rock back and forth. Just turn things off and reassure ourselves that it will be okay. The pain and fear are still there.

Then again, it's not our fault.

How Are You In Protecting Yourself?

Lots of triggering stuff everywhere you look. Our suggestion? If you don't have to deal with it, stay away so you don't end up dissociating and fighting to get your balance back.

It's not a matter of perfectionism. I must have total control over every single thought that comes to mind. Instead, a healthy balance. How do you do that when it feels like almost all of society doesn't want to admit that you exist?

You can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, you can set boundaries as best you can. If someone says I can't deal with you being a rape survivor and dumps you, are they really your friend? No they're not.

You have to protect yourself. We still feel exhausted much of the time from constantly having to fight dissociating and other symptoms. Going back on medication won't help, because it only makes your symptoms worse. I can't afford to go to a regular therapist. A sliding scale counselor is out. What else can I do but use my own support system?

Another suggestion to protect your well being is ask this question. Do I really need to do something, or not? Do I really need to post hundreds on comments every day if almost all of the other posters are trolls (some paid for and some not)? Who needs the stress? I don't. That's why I try to follow the idea of selective activism. Your well being comes first. THEN deal with an important cause.

As best you can, operate off of facts and not just rumors on some chat site. Why? Because in a good way, you have to protect yourself. Nobody else will do it for you. Maybe that's been one of the hardest things to deal with in our own healing process. When your well being is okay, then you're effective in other things as well.

I'm not on call 24/7 to help Obama save the economy and the world. Besides, he couldn't afford my fee anyway. Which means setting boundaries. Not all but many lines of content in posts are rehashing the same points (in my opinion). Why then do you need to perpetuate that? National name activisits can yell all they want about people having to get involved. But in the end, it's a personal decision. You live with the consequences of what you do and say, just like they do. In their cases, they're making way more money than we are.

Is being successful illegal? No it's not. On the other hand, along with success comes responsibility. You have to make decisions. Who am I doing this for? Just to further my career and make me even richer and more famous than I am now? Or, is it actually help others in the process?

As a trauma survivor, do you feel like you're about six steps ahead of the world? You're the only one who can see everything that's going on. If the rest of you would just shut up, listen to me and do as I say all of this would be over now.

Is that going to happen? Are you single handedly responsible for saving the world from all of the evil people out there? No you're not.

It comes down to several key things:

Keep your self control.

Operate from verified facts, and not talking points.

If you're telling the truth, what's somebody else going to do? Sue?

There's lots of pressure on everybody. Which means as best you can, stay informed to make the best decisions. Whether it's in your healing or anything else.

The Pain is There

We still have nightmares and other symptoms. For the past three nights, it's always been something really violent. At times you see and hear what other horrible people did and said. You fight back because you know you have to. Nobody else is going to save you.

Recently, a mental health source told me that nightmares are one way for your mind/body connection to process the trauma you've been thru. Also, there's the split second when you open your eyes, and you don't know what's real. You try to scream but you have to struggle to have control over your body.

On the other hand, none of it's abnormal in any way (considering the trauma you've been thru and didn't get treatment for for a long time).

We're healing from a long history of severe abuse overall. I try to pay attention to my intuition and say we're doing the right things. Just because we have sick and violent thoughts doesn't mean that we're a monster.

We're just healing from abuse.

Stuff to Keep in Mind

Listening to the Knicks and Celtics online. Some herbal tea and trying to stay grounded. We still have dissociating and despair. Do you ever have a day when you don't feel abandoned?

Without getting into specifics, we know that triggering stuff is everywhere. Is the world ending? No. Instead, keep these in mind.

Keep you self control and respect.

You have no control over what other cruel people say and do. Why do they do this stuff? I don't know.

Protect yourself as reasonably as possible. Pay attention to your intuition. Mine isn't always right. But my percentage is good.

Despite what it may seem like when the world is telling you you don't exist, you do. You also don't have to sink down to their level.

At times, we have crippling despair. We try to look at it like this. We're healing from a long history of horrible abuse. Which means that none of our symptoms are weird in any way.

If you have horrible pain, in a sense that's  a good sign because denial isn't a problem.

You're telling the truth. Which is all that matters.

Trying to Keep a Sense of Focus

The symptoms are still there. Lately, you really have to work hard to screen triggering stuff to protect yourself. Do you feel at times like you're about seven steps ahead of the rest of the world? You know what people. will say, what the responses will be, and why you shouldn't look at any of it. Why bother?

Do you feel abandoned? We really struggle with that. Is there anyone who isn't afraid to admit that I'm a rape survivor? Who's not afraid to show some human decency for ten seconds in their incredibly hectic day? Instead, you get the feeling at times of if they just move fast enough you'll magically disappear and then life will be okay once again?

Trauma survivors aren't statistics in some government report to be manipulated to get huge grants in return. Nobody asks to be a trauma survivor. Yet, how many people actually take the time to acknowledge that?

It's Not Your Fault

Lots of emptiness as we go along. We get things done, but you also have a feeling of being abandoned at the same time. You don't want to fall into the trap of being burned out, cynical and a horrible person. Instead, try to keep a sense of focus as you go along.

Time to break our "no progressive political content" rule. Today, there was another shooting at the US. Capitol. Not all but many "professional pundits" are falling into the trap of making this a nice neat soundbite. A "crazy person" with a gun was stopped by the police. Someone else set himself on fire in front of the Capitol. A women allegedly suffering from post-partum depression was shot and killed by the cops near the Capitol.

Do you have to be a psychiatrist to see that there's a connection between all of these cases? When the stress level is high and there's no end in sight in a Depression (call it what it is), human beings can only take so much.

These aren't just soundbites to be manipulated into a nice neat story, and that's the end of it. However, the corporate MSM says if it doesn't fit, it doesn't exist.

How's that for "balanced journalism".

Let's Focus

A tough day with trying to chill and protect yourself from triggering stuff. You feel totally drained and just try to keep a sense of focus. At times, you feel abandoned and cry all day long.

On the other hand, it's not our fault.

Boundaries and More

A really long day of fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. Now, stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. Set boundaries and screen everything. Like anybody lese with symptoms, if you basically try to be as healthy as possible, that's a big part of it.

Having said that, you still have nightmares and other problems. Did somebody try to break in last night? Or, was it just a nightmare?

Hyperawareness is still a problem in crowded places. You feel like you're getting bombarded with stimulus from all directions. Do you attack anyone? Do you scream, snap and then possibly black out?

As you fight symptoms and try to stay focused, you feel totally exhausted. At times during the day I just turn things off and stretch out to listen to how I feel. Don't give in and listen to triggering stuff that will make you dissociate for days at  time.

When my multiples and little kid feel sad, we like to sit and rock back and forth for a while. I don't always know the answers for them. But I do my best to reassure them that it's my job to protect us.
I always take the time to explain to them, and never to talk down to them.

How do you deal with feelings of abandonment? We still struggle with feeling like an orphan. We did nothing wrong. Yet, it's still there.

Don't dissociate. As positively as you can, do something else. It's not a matter of having perfect bliss 24/7. Instead, it's a matter of balance.

It's not our fault. We did nothing wrong. We're telling the truth. That's all that matters.

Pay Attention to Subtle Stuff

Still battling symptoms and trying to protect myself from triggering stuff as best I can. Screen everything, and if you don't have to look at something stay away from it.

Part of this is to pay attention to the effects of things on you. Maybe something is second nature, and it doesn't seem to be a problem. Then suddenly you can't do it anymore. I've had to make a lot of changes in diet, hangouts and in other areas. For a long time, I had a really severe junk food habit (in addition to severe alcoholism, destructive dissociating rituals and more). Now, I don't do that stuff anymore. However, you still pay attention to how you feel.

Is it just body chemistry that's healing? Emotions and chemistry? Or more? We try to look at it like it's overall healing from long term abuse.

How's your healing?

Keep Your Balance

Los of triggering stuff happening right now. Think of this as kind of like a smog alert. Be careful, and protect yourself.

As many things happen that you have no direct control over, what do you do? Do you have the feeling of if everyone would just listen to me we could solve all of these problems in one day? If you could, that would be great. Yet, it probably won't happen. I still have to check my activist impulse to keep it going in a good way.

I also have to fight to keep aware of what's real and what isn't. It's like there's a fine line that you can't cross. If you do, you'll fall apart.

Protect yourself at all costs in a good way.

It Must Be the Weekend

A cloudy and cool Sunday as I sit and write. How's your time zone? If there are any problems (no holiday time, etc.), I have nothing to do with it.

Closer to home, we're still doing our best to keep a sense of balance. Not perfectionism, but a sense of balance. My junk food habit is almost non-existant because my tolerance for chemicals is almost gone. The tiniest amount of caffeine, sugar or soy makes symptoms way worse than they are now. In that sense, what else can I do?

How are you dealing with anger these days? We have to be careful because many times we have to focus before we go out. If we don't, it feels like we'll attack and kill anyone who gets in our way. I don't like the way you look. So I'll just kill you instead. I've never acted on any of this anger. Yet, my evil side is still there and many times screaming all kinds of sick racist and other garbage.

Do you still have despair and a sense of abandonment? Far be it for me to tell anyone else what to do or how they should feel. Having said that, these still happen to us. Can we trust anyone? Is literally every other person out to screw us over? How do we protect ourselves?

One way is to set positive boundaries where necessary. It sounds silly, but I'll say it anyway. It really is okay to say no when necessary. In the past, one survival mechanism was to turn away and silently scream so you wouldn't be abused. Now, I still struggle with that.

Do you feel like you'll literally snap in two? Do you want to just attack anyone that dares to even look at you? Is everyone lying to me when they say they're concerned about me?

Do nightmares still happen to you? At times we still struggle with hallucinations (due to ongoing caffeine withdrawl?). If you don't fight back, you feel like you'll fall apart and literally vanish.

You can't sit back and do nothing.

At the end of most days we feel totally wiped out. We try really hard to not dissociate. Instead, do something else that's positive and not destructive. When we do, many times it feels like we have to focus really hard to know what's real and what's not.

We try not to beat ourselves up over how severe our symptoms have been and continue to be. Yet, like any normal person you feel cheated and want validation. How do you balance those things?

Time now to break our "no progressive political content" rule for a second.

All of you know about the ongoing threat of a government shutdown and then debt default here in the States. Do you realize that if the States had single payer health care (like the rest of you), none of this would be happening? Then again, publically talking about single payer health care is currently illegal in the MSM.

On the other hand, we don't work for any of those people. So we'll continue to speak out.

Balance

How's your week been? Here, it's been getting thru unexpected bills, symptoms and more. Now, just kick back and some nice tea.

I know there's no magic cure to dealing with trauma. However, all normal human beings who are trauma survivors have their bad moments. Anger, frustrations, feeling abandoned, and wondering do I have to cure myself? You can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, you can protect yourself as best you can.

How do you not give into the feeling that everybody is out to attack you? Is everyone lying to you? I really don't want to end up like that.

Set your boundaries and protect yourself. Also, pay attention to the effects of things on you. In much of Western culture, it's in-your-face that's normal. In other places, it's indirectness. If something's second nature, is it really good for you? If it is, so much the better. If not, what else can you do?

In my case, I try as best I can to not dissociate. Do something else that's positive. You feel many times like you'll snap, black out or just kill everyone who gets in your way. Then again, considering everything that I've been thru (along with my little kid and multiples), none of this is abnormal. Scary and horrible, yes. But not strange.

Have a nice night.

A Good Energy Flow

Another rough start in trying to wake up. You have to focus and try hard to not feel like you're getting assaulted with dissociating and other symptoms. I've been on my detox diet now for over 3 months. It feels like every day you stay clean there are new realizations to deal with.

You have thoughts about suicide, death, seeing what life would be life without you. Late at night I have flashbacks to abuse from my little kid's point of view. What's real and what's not?

I have no death wish. I have no desire to hurt myself or anyone else. Yet all of this keeps coming out.

All of the mental health sources that I trust all say the same thing. As horrible as all of this is, it's to be expected, considering your trauma history. If it didn't come out, then you'd really be in trouble.

You try to focus, but you still have to fight to not black out. Bits and pieces of scenes, sights, sounds and other stuff comes out of nowhere. Many times I have no idea what it is. Then again, what else can I do right now?

The new guy support group starts soon. In the meantime, keep using the support system.

A Very Hectic Week

Finally some peace and quiet at home. Just some writing online and some herbal tea.
Where did I vanish to? It wasn't by choice. My old laptop finally gave out (it usually happens when you least expect it). This meant some fast online shopping, comparisons, runarounds, and then finally upgrading my home network. Now I can do everything 5 times faster than before. Tyr to stay slightly ahead of the technology curve, if you can.

Symptoms are still there. Dissociating is hard to deal with when it happens with panic attacks. You feel like you don't know where you are, and how do you ground yourself? Sometimes the standard methods don't work. What then?

One mantra I try to stick with is despite all of the horrible symptoms that happen, it's not my fault. I did nothing wrong, and have no control over other horrible people. However, I will protect my overall well being.

Turn things off, and say that none of this is abnormal in any way. I don't have a death wish. I don't want to hurt either myself or anyone else. This is all perfectly normal considering the horrible trauma that happened to me.

On bad days with anger, I try to have time for me to just sit and focus. In a crowded place, try to focus as your evil side screams obscenities and other garbage at everyone around you. Try not to snap and literally fall apart.

I have days where it feels like you just cry. Then again, there's nothing wrong with facing your trauma history in the most non-threatening way possible.

Have a nice night.

It's Not Abnormal in Any Way

Just trying to stick to a positive balance as I go along. My symptoms are still there. However, none of it's abnormal in any way. It's all a scary at times but normal survival mechanism.

Have a good day.

Lots to Do

Places to go and things to do. Also in the mix, trying to keep some sense of balance. My GP says that all of my test results so far are negative. I'm still sticking with it's all connected (your mind/body connection).

Keep in mind it's not your fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

Lots to Deal With

This week, what is it? Appointments, find a new PC, CD/DVD burner/player, and more. Despite all that, I'm really trying to keep my balance.

It's not my fault and I'm telling the truth.

More of everything?

Some new job leads. Also, more emptiness and despair. On the other hand, I'm setting boundaries as best I can, and saying no when necessary.

Saying no when needed is really okay.

Emptiness

I'm getting out of the house and getting things done. Despite that, there's lots of emptiness and depression as well. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. Yet everything feels empty.

Waiting to find out about a PTSD support group. The now former therapist didn't work out for various reasons. Which means find something new and better.

How do you deal with despair?

Balance

Symptoms are still there. I'm still sticking to my holistic routine as I try to cope as best I can. What's another part of this? Trying as much as possible to trust your intuition.

The basic idea is this. The cleaner your system, the more receptive you are. Are you always right? No. On the other hand, what you should do first is this. Don't overthink. Just start by asking yourself, how do I deal with this? One really exhausting thing for me is constantly fighting to not dissociate. You can't just sit back and do nothing or go with your feelings. That doesn't work for me. Instead, you try to keep some sense of balance. Not perfectionism. But balance.

What else can you do?

Holiday Thoughts

Hi from a long holiday weekend here in the States. If you're not in a holiday weekend, I had nothing to do with it.

This means staying away from all triggering stuff as much as possible. Do you really need to be on (insert famous site name) 15 hours a day? If you're getting paid, that's different. If not, how do you balance everything?

In my case, not having a personal assistant, you have to just prioritize. What do I want to do right now? Building up income streams is high on the list. Who doesn't need extra money these days?

As that happens, I'm also dealing with more doctor and therapist appointments. I'm still job hunting and trying for schedules that will leave days open. That way you don't have to fight bosses for time off.

How are your symptoms these days? Do you still have nightmares, body pain and more? My system is still shot from a long period of abuse from others and myself (thru diet, alcoholism and other stuff). Now, I stay away from the destructive dissociative things as much as possible. Instead of helping to relieve pain, it just makes it worse.

Why do so many others try to beat trauma survivors down? Why do they do and say cruel things with no apparent comprehension? I don't know. However, I do know that just like the rest of us, they have to deal with the consequences of that.

I'm not saying 24/7 perfectionism. I'm saying a positive balance that lets you protect yourself as well. I still have bad days where feelings of abandonment almost paralyze you. Can I believe anybody when they say they care about me? If that's true, then why the next minute do you treat me like s**t?

Am I the only one that sees this hypocracy and abuse from others? Am I the only one who's not severly delusional?

I do know that I'm not responsible for other peoples' mental health. I'm not going to beg you to go to therapy or do anything. Also, I won't just sit back and not protect myself. Just because you're related to someone abusive, are you supposed to sit like a battered wife and let your abusive husband beat the s**t out of you?

I can protect myself and not sink down to someone else's disfunctional level. I have to because nobody else will do it for me.

I'm not on call 24/7 like Obama. Besides, would I really want that unrelenting pressure? Right now, no. Certainly not for $400,000 a year.

Despite still having all the usual PTSD symptoms, I keep reminding myself that it's not my fault. I did nothing wrong. Also, as horrible as this is at times, I'm not "abnormal" in any way.

Have a good day.

How Do You Feel?

No sign yet of my test results. In the meantime, it's cover other bases and try to keep a sense of balance. Anger and other problems are still there, which means trying to protect both myself and others in potentially dangerous situations.

How's your balance?

Be As Healthy As You Can

Still waiting for my test results. In the meantime, stick to my holistic routine as best you can. Part of that right now is not the perfect diet, but as chemical free as possible.

One tip for the day. If someone tells you that natural sugar is different from refined, that's just corporate propaganda. Your body can't say, oh yes, that's refined C&H sugar, and that's agave from Whole Foods. It doesn't work like that.

Why then would you take that chance? Have fun on your birthday and holidays. But just be aware of the effects of things on you.

Healing from a Long Period of Abuse

Some good news about my test results. It turns out that the test results aren't completely done. I don't have Celiac's Disease. However, the autoimmune test isn't done yet. I'm told however that at this stage it's "abnormal", and my doctor will tell me more next month. In the meantime, I'm waiting for the test results to be able to get a second opinion.

As for backed up anger, I have moments where I want to kill everyone that gets in my way. I would never do that, of course. Having said that, the anger is still there. Overall, I'm trying to look at this as healing from a long period of vicious abuse overall.

Whatever my condition is, how long have I had it? Thinking back thru a history of symptoms, maybe ten to twenty years, and I didn't know exactly what it was. Now, I'm concentrating on healing. Not perfectionism. But a balance.

A Breakthrough(Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at Your Own Risk)

Every trauma survivor has their own history and things to struggle with. Some at times for whatever reasons do better than others. The point though is that you do your best to continue.

In my case, despite all of the horrible things that have happened, I still keep going. Now, I feel like there's a breakthrough.

My trauma history involves several things:

Being raped by three pedophiles (who will never be prosecuted).
Turning to many people in person, and 99% of them said it's your fault, piss off, you deal with it, and other damaging stuff.
Vicious abuse (physical, emotional and verbal).
Rampant racism.

Now, being a severaly traumitized little kid, this garbage doesn't help. For whatever reasons, I used to have the attitude of there's something wrong. I don't know what it is. But every time I try to say something I get abused. Which means the only safe thing to do is to turn away and silently scream so nobody else will be pissed off and scream at me.

It's taken me a long time to finally face that. And I'm embarassed to say that it did. I shouldn't be. At the moment though, I'm struggling with that.

Everybody has their good side and evil side. I'm not some racist, right wing gun carrying monster. Having said that, this means that if some weird thought comes to mind like I'm going to kill every m***********g n****r in this room, I won't do that. Also, the fact that that's there doesn't mean that I'm some horrible person. Instead, for a long time I've been terrified of my evil side. Which also means that anger doesn't get let out in a healthy way.

Not too long ago someone mentioned to me that he thought I should be nicer to myself. You're being too harsh on yourself and hurting your health. Now that my GP is saying that I have arthritis, the question comes to mind. In fighting to survive and not dealing with getting anger out, have I inadvertantly made myself sick?

As I go out right now, I see other people and many times the thought comes to mind I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna kill everybody in this room. I'm going to track down every asshole that treated me like s**t, beat them into the ground, stab them and smash them into a million f*****g pieces. Would I actually do that? No. On the other hand, I'm not going to penalize myself anymore for being a normal human being.

Thanks for reading.

Trying to Cope

Today time to kick back for a while. Yesterday was long and stressful. I've been trying for almost a month to get two test results back that might involve long term treatment. Nothing in the mail, nothing on line. No call from my primary GP.

Then I find out that they had a IT problem that wiped out current copies of patients records. Fortunately they had my backup, so no need to go back in and redo the tests. I found out two things. First, I tested negative for Celiac's Disease. Now I can go back if I want to to a normal diet that includes gluten. Second, I tested positive for rheumatoid arthritis (one type of autoimmune disease).

The clinic never notified me of the IT meltdown. My doctor never called me about my test results. And now, I still can't get copies of my test results to use to try and get a second opinion about the arthritis.

How's your day so far?

One of the hardest things to deal with right now is long term horrible abuse. Since long term stress can hurt your immune system, does this mean that fighting to survive against something that's not my fault has made me sick?

In the meantime, I'm still following my holistic health routine. Right now, focus on health first and getting thru more appointments. Then, go back to finding the new jobs. Prioritize, but multi-task.

Any comments?

Sorry to Be Away for a While

Thanks for the ongoing support while I've been busy this week. Time now to catch up on a lot of stuff.

Symptoms are still there. You try to focus on how you feel in the morning and have some sense of being awake and not just almost sleepwalking thru the day. I'm still dissociating about a hundred times a day. Being aware of tangible things around you can help somewhat. Then again, on those bad days when it doesn't, what then?

My therapist says that if your'e severely traumatized like I am (with no treatment for a long time as well), then it's scary but normal for a part of you to identify with your perpetrator(s). Having heard that, I'm still struggling with why would a normal person want anything to do with three serial pedophiles in any way? Raping innocent little kids. Having sex with animals. I'm not gay, bi-sexual or into pain, humiliation, bestiality or anything else.

Why then would you have sick thoughts like that?

On really bad days, it's a non-stop fight. Don't attack this person. Don't rape this little kid. Don't have sex with the dog walking by. You fight to keep some sense of focus, because you have to.

I'm not abnormal in any way. Yet this stuff happens. Why?

At times I just turn things off and sit. I try to pay attention to how I feel. You can't control other horrible people or all of the violent sick and other horrible stuff happening in the world. I can't handle my pain and everyone else's all at the same time.

Medication doesn't work because that's just a band aid. It doesn't help the core trauma. Why walk around in a daze and still fighting to not dissociate?

I still have nightmares, lucid dreams and flashback to when I was living overseas. It's like bits and pieces of sound and scenes that hit you. You have to fight really hard to keep some sense of being grounded. The severity of my symptoms is proportional to the underlying untreated trauma. Also, denial isn't an issue. It used to be. Not any more.

Other stuff causes more pain. At times it's like one horrible scene after another. You know something's wrong, and do your best to protect yourself. Yet, it doesn't stop. The pain of being raped is there. Nobody listens or helps. You fix it. Weakness isn't tolerated and other idiotic garbage is rampant.

Am I the only one who's not severly delusional and sees everything that's happening?

It's the Effects of Things on You

Greetings to our growing global audience. Recently, everywhere from Boston and Mountain View, CA. to Auckland and the People's Republic of Brooklyn, NY.

How's your emotional balance? In my case, not dissociating is one of the toughest things to deal with. All day long you feel like you're getting bombarded with pain. Dissociate and you get relief. However, that's not really true. It just makes things worse. Bits and pieces of sights and sounds hit you, and you scream and fight to not black out or feel like you have no sense of reality.

Do you feel like you're the only one who sees thru all of the delusion, lies and other garbage that's out in the world? As I keep going in trying to stay healthy, more realizations keep happening. As they do, you struggle to not feel totally bombarded with pain. Can you trust anyone? Is everyone lying to you?

You feel at times like you're going to snap and kill everyone who gets in the way. You have to focus really hard to keep some sense of balance. Not perfection, but balance.

Also found out that my victim compensation claim was denied. Now, I have 30 days to write a letter to ask for a second review. I'm also talking to a legal aid attorney to get some suggestions on this.

They're saying you're denied because of statute of limitations (the crimes occured before we started this compensation program). Therefore, legally they don't exist.

How would you respond to that?

Struggling to Not Dissociate

It is the weekend. Just got back with some nice kombucha, and now back to more writing.

I'm really struggling to not dissociate. I'm also trying to face the full reality of my trauma history. A long time of severe abuse, being raped, and getting help from almost no one in person. Do I have to cure myself?

It's like you fight to survive and feel eventually like there's some sense of clarity at times. Then, you feel like you came this close to being psychotic. Not being a therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist, I don't know all of the official dividing lines between various mental health problems. I'm not trying to torture myself. I'm just asking a question that so for no one has answered.

Despite everything that happens, I try to stick with I'm telling the truth. I feel like I'm the only one who sees all of the delusional behavior, denials and more happening around me. If other horrible people choose to be that way, that's their problem. However, I won't sink down to that severly disfunctional level. Why? Because you can't have a rational conversation with someone like that.

No matter how bad the pain gets, don't dissociate. Do something else that's positive.

Do you still screen all content to protect yourself? I have to. Many times I feel like I'm nine steps ahead of everyone else. I'm the only one who sees all of the pain, lies and sick stuff that's happening everywhere. I know I'm not the only one. Then again, that's a common feeling among trauma survivors.

Dissociating in my case is like doing a drug to escape pain. First you may think it will help. Then you realize that it only makes things worse.

What else makes things worse? Trying to cope with depression, fear and a feeling of abandonment. I did nothing wrong. I'm telling the truth.

Getting up in the morning is a mix of breakfast and then trying to focus and not dissociate. In the past I took tons of the wrong medication and felt like a zombie all day long. Now, I sit and try to pay attention to how I feel. You also get hit with flashbacks, adrenalin surges and occasional hallucinations. It's like you're whole system is getting bombarded with pain as you try to focus and have some sense of relief.

Does this happen to you?

As I go along with the job hunting, I do take time for my self care. That can range from going someplace for a snack to just unplugging and sitting on my balcony for a while. You have to protect yourself.

Keep in mind I'm not lying. Everything I talk about is true.That's all that matters.

Getting Assaulted

First, stay home and clean, wash clothes and other stuff that my personal assistant should be doing. Wait a minute. I still don't have one. Okay, I'll do it.

The longer I try to keep my system clean and stay off of chemicals, sugar, etc., the more scary realizations, sadness and feelings of abandonment come out. It's like watching bits and pieces of scenes, and you don't know what to do. Nobody seems to listen or care. You don't want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. Yet, nobody can be bothered to see what's right in front of them.

Every day it's endless abuse. You have to fight really hard every day to not give into this dissociative garbage. Nobody cares about you. Why don't you just shut the f**k up and die? Nobody will pay attention. And various other crap.

You know you don't want to off yourself. You don't want to get a gun and kill every one who treated you like dirt. You have to fight back, and then at the end of the day you feel like you can't do anything.

Another thing to deal with is the severity of your symptoms. As I go along and try to basically be as healthy as I can, more terrifying realizations come out. The viciousness of long term abuse. This fight to survive is a perfectly normal response. You're not "abnormal" in any way.

Can you trust anyone? I still have problems with taking people at face value in many situations. If I scream and black out, what happens then? Will one of my multiples lash out? How do I explain that later?

Mnay times during the day I feel empty and you just go thru the daily motions. As bad as the pain is at times, I really stick to saying don't dissociate. Do something else. Post here, go to a store, turn everything off and just sit and listen to how you feel. Even when I do that in the morning, you have to fight hard to not dissociate and feel assaulted.

Some days you just feel sad. Then again, what else can you do but keep going.

The current therapist is basically nice. However, at times sessions feel like a business meeting. I'm checking out other therapists if it's necessary to switch. Not yet.

After fighting symptoms all day, you feel like you have really severe MS. You can barely move and feel sore all over. On the other hand, this is a sign that my symptoms are still severe. Not that it's my fault. They just are.

Try to focus. No matter what, don't dissociate.

Do you not know where you are at times? It feels like you're this close to crossing a line and then having no control or idea of what's happening. Now, deal with that a hundred times a day.

It's not my fault.

Create Your Own Opportunities

Sounds like an Oprah infomercial? Not quite. Instead, it's something that many trauma survivors talk about. The necessity to protect yourself in everything from getting therapy that you need to actually finding people (therapists and others) that will take you seriously.

In my case, I've been laughed at, screamed at and blown off by everyone from former potential therapists, doctors and law enforcement people to FBI trauma specialists. If you deal with this for a long time like I have, the question then comes to mind. Do I have to cure myself as well? The rest of the world just can't be bothered to see ulgy reality, so just go away and YOU deal with it instead?

In my overall mix, I'm trying really hard to not give in and dissociate. That's one of the hardest things to recognize. The severity of symptoms and how you thought that dissociating will actually help you to escape pain. Instead, it does the opposite. Do you really want to literally disappear for a week and not know where you are? I don't.

Other symptoms are still there as well:

A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism
Blocked anger
Fighting hard to not literally snap in two and black out
Jump cuts of you saying I've had enough and seeing various ways to kill yourself.
I would never do that. But those images are there.
Abandonment. I feel like I've been abandoned my whole life. The "immediate family" are
people that you shared a house with for a while, and that's it.

Now, balance finding new jobs with therapy and getting off benefits. Not everyone, but many people are bullies who use money as a weapon to control others. What you think, feel and are concerned about means nothing to me. I can do and say any damn thing I please.

How do you have a rational conversation with someone like that?

You don't want to relapse and have lots of sugar again. If that happens, I feel like I have no control over my body. Everything is worse, and you don't know what to do. The usual "grounding techniques" many times don't work.

What do you do then?

As horrible as the pain is at times, don't dissociate. Do something else. As you try to stay clean, your symptoms get worse. This means that they're still that severe.

Why do these jump cuts of suicide and raping innocent little kids happen? Some mental health sources say that it's because your symptoms have been so severe and untreated for so long. Based on that, weird thoughts like this are bound to come out. You'll never act on any of them. But they're still there.

Pyschologically, that may seem like a reasonable answer. However, on a human level that still doesn't take away the concern and fear that you have. I'm not a sick monster. Why then would I have thoughts about raping little kids? So far, nobody's given me a clear answer to this. There's trying to be responsible for your healing. There's also not feeling at times like, do I have to cure myself as well?

Along with abandonment comes fear and sadness about not wanting to feel cheated out of liteally having any happiness at all in your life. Almost no one else can be bothered to pay attention to you and if nothing else on a human decency level at least acknowledge that you exist. Are others really afraid of even looking at you because if they do they'll get raped as well?

I've only been hugged by two people since I was raped who actually meant it when they said I'm sorry you were raped. How does that affect people long term? If you're in that position, how are you supposed to react? How could you not be wondering can I literally trust anyone else?

Sick twisted lucid dreams keep happening all the time. Grounding many times doesn't work. What now?

Feeling Rundown

It's Friday, and another battle to try and keep some sense of balance. I'm still sticking to my holistic-as-possible diet, and more trauma revelations keep coming out. Still haven't gotten my latest test results back yet. Just checking to see if I have any related illnesses due to long-term PTSD stress.

One of my biggest fears is to not end up like many others who are burned, out, cynical and have massive denial problems. I'm trying to protect myself, and others where necessary. My little kid feels sad because we've been abandoned since I got raped. You turn everywhere for help, and no one listens.

How does that affect someone?

Lots of Despair

Time to catch up. In the past few days, went to the job fair that was basically a waste of time. Many of the employers there (a small number) have lots of problems. One common one is being too cheap to have business cards. You're a major corporation or a startup that can rent office space downtown. Yet, you can't splurge on business cards? Weird.

Another appointment today, and a realization. I'll never have any support from the "immediate family". They're either manipulative, lying, delusional, or just want nothing to do with it. I can't control what other horrible people say and do. On the other hand, everything I'm saying is true, and that's all that matters.

Lots of despair and emptiness.

Lots of Emptiness

Drinking some tea as I write. Then, it's onto meditation for tonight, and a job fair tomorrow.

What's one of the hardest things right now? A sense of empiness. You wake up and try not to dissociate. Then, everything feels black. You try to reassure yourself that it'll be okay. But the emptiness is still there.

At times, I ask myself, am I the only one that sees all the hypocracy, delusional behavior and massive denial? Am I the only one that's not mentally ill when others who may say they're concerned about me can't be trusted? You don't want to feel like you can't trust anybody. You don't want to feel like a burned out, horrible monster because of being raped.

Then again, that feeling of everyone's lying is still there.

Graphic flashbacks of being raped happen. Body pain happens as well. As the sick lucid dreams happen you try to stay grounded and say, I'm not psychotic. I'm not abnormal. I'm not going to attack anyone.

You have to fight back all the time. You can't just sit and do nothing.

The fear of being raped and then feeling like garbage is still there. All of the sources that I trust say the same thing. None of this is abnormal. Your symptoms have been severe and untreated for so long that they have to come out.

Do you still fight off lucid dreams? How do you scream and not black out?

Lots to Do

Just enjoying some peace and quiet as I write and get ready for another full week. The next therapy appt. is coming, and that means lots of questions about the three serial pedophiles. It also means that nightmares are happening again. I'm lucky right now if I get maybe two hours of sleep at night.

Many mental health sources that I trust say the same thing. This is backed up trauma coming out. We still have to focus really hard to not give in, dissociate and then literally vanish. Every day, it's almost non-stop.

Despite that, we know that we're not psychologically damaged in any way from being raped. The long history of abuse is still rough to deal with. You almost have to fight to not give into abusive garbage and then black out from exhaustion. Yes, it's still that severe at times.

I'm also concerned about my health from long term stress. Lots of past illnesses I think are connected to this. Now, my long history of abuse (and drugs, junk food and more) are catching up to me.

More coming soon.

Focus and Protection

Staying in tonight with my tea and then onto mediation and Tai Chi. A lot of triggering stuff continues to come from all directions. You have to set boundaries and protect yourself.

Despair, abandonment and dissociating still happen as well. I (along with my little kid and multiple personalities) continue to struggle with lots of stuff. Can we trust anybody? Is everybody out to kill us? Will those scary people over there try to break in, rape us and then kill us? I try to reassure them that no, it'll be okay. You still at times have to fight your way out of a lucid dream. You stab and kill them before they kill you.

Now, deal with that all day long, work and everything else you have to do.

Do you feel like you can trust anyone, or not? I still don't feel safe around many people that I know. Did one of them rape me as well, and I just haven't faced that yet? I don't know.

I do know that none of this is abnormal in any way.

Not Much To Say

A sunny but sad Friday. You wake up and everything feels black. Then, you feel sad as you go thru the day.

Not much else to say, I'm afraid.

It's the Effects of Things on You

Some peace and quiet as I write this. Today it's a "no news unless we have to look at it" approach. There's too much triggering stuff out there, and nobody else will protect my overall well being.

Some mental health sources that I trust have been talking about tough periods in healing. Think of it as someone who becomes sober. You have at times rough periods where everything gets worse, and there's no sense of hope. In my case, symptoms get worse, and the urge to dissociate and black out as well.

Maybe that's one of the hardest things to deal with in having complex dissociative PTSD. Violently dissociating and literally passing out from exhaustion to try and not black out. The fear of what happens then? Will I know where I am when I wake up? What if I don't?

As you fight to not fall apart, it feels like a constant assault. You can't sit back and do nothing. You can't control what other horrible people do and say. What else can you do but fight back?

Grounding doesn't always work. What do you do then in a stressful situation?

Like any other trauma survivor, one thing you want is a sense of control. I'm not at the mercy of others for literally everything. Why? Because that's no way to live. You constantly have to say, don't dissociate. Do something else.

As you try to focus, is it possible that your body is so used to dissociating that it'll fight you to continue?

Adrenalin surges happen as well. It's like fighting to push past a barrier in front of you. Then, you have some sense of short-term relief. Then, it starts again.

Still looking for the new jobs. You have to thoroughly check people out, because there are a LOT of problems everywhere.

At the worst moments, it feels like endless pain. How do you get thru that?

Trying to Cope With the Ups and Downs

It must be Tuesday. Lots of bases to cover as the next therapy appointment is next week. In the meantime, more job hunting and protecting yourself as best you can. Not perfectionism, but a balance.

What's the hardest thing to deal with in symptoms right now? One would be not giving into violently dissociating. In the past, you could dissociate and disappear for hours at a time and not know where you are. Just like doing a drug, it helps you in a sense to escape pain and feel "normal". Now, deal with that about 200 times a day. What do you do? Do you give in? Or, do you say I'll go the other way? It's really exhausting, but I don't want to fall apart and have to fight your way out of that and old dissociating rituals.

As your system is cleaner and you're more aware, use that to your advantage. In job networking, I'm really paying attention to what's said, and how it's said. Is my timing okay, or do I come back later? How do you get past "please check out website and now go away"?

I can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, I will set boundaries and protect myself. Despair and crippling feelings of abandonment are there as well. Despite that, it's not my fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

How's Your Chemical Balance?

Staying home and getting ready to try for another job interview at a well known firm tomorrow. I've tried twice, but they never called back. Try one more time, and maybe I'll get an actual interview.

As for protecting yourself, I'm sticking to boundaries where needed as much as possible. Horrible flashbacks still happen. Scary, violent dissociating happens as well. You feel like 99% of the real world doesn't care. I'm also struggling with a lifetime of feeling abandoned.

What's another scary thing? I was in a psych ward once because I thought I was suicidal, but I wasn't. I got NO SUPPORT from the "immediate family". I just recently realized, if the worst happened and I ended up back in one and something happened to me, I have no gurantee that any of these people would care.

How do you deal with THAT?

Latenight Thoughts

It really is the weekend. Some herbal tea and then time for my meditation. Also, welcome to our readers in the Boston area, in the UK, and Australia.

While I don't know why so many people say and do cruel things to trauma survivors that didn't ask to be one, bear in mind that you're telling the truth. That's all that matters. Protect yourself as best you can, because nobody else will give you that reassurance.

Screen the content you deal with as best you can. Regardless of where you live in the world, traumatic stuff is everywhere. The MSM won't do it. Which means you have to take that initiative. Trust me, you won't regret it.

Cover Your Bases

Sorry to be away for a few days. It's been a doctor appointment, job hunting and lots of other stuff to do. In the whole process, you also try to keep your balance as best you can.

Understandably, there are also rough moments of trying not to attack everyone you see. Anger in feeling abandoned, and also being let down by what feels like almost every person in person that you turned to for help. You're concerned, but also it's your fault so go away? Today was another doctor's appointment. At times, I felt like the doctor wasn't taking me seriously. Do you think I LIKE having symptoms, pain all over and nightmares as well? Do you think it's fun to not be able to see one of the psycho rapists that attacked me, but to be able to see everything else?

We still screen everything. It feels like I'm about five steps ahead of the world. I know everything that's going to be said and what the reaction will be. Having said that, I also try to bear in mind I'm not responsible for that stuff. It's not my job to singlehandedly save the world. Your overall well being comes first.

Why do so many who say they're concerned about trauma survivors end up treating you like crap? You say at times why should I even talk to you? Since I was raped by three psycho pedophiles, only two people have ever taken the time to give me a non-threatening hug and say I'm sorry you were raped.

What kinds of effects does that long lack of reassuring contact have on someone? I've asked various sources, and nobody has an answer. Does this mean that no studies have ever been done of this? I find that hard to believe (if it's true). Is it a matter of falling back on no case is the same? Therefore, there's no standard solution to this? Nice try, but that's dodging the question.

I fight to not dissociate all day long. Adrenalin surges still happen. You feel like you have no sensation in various parts of your body. You have to try and re-focus your energy to feel "normal" again. If you don't, you'll completely fall apart. That's not just irrational fear. That's what it feels like, every single day.

You can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, you can ask, why are people so cruel? Why is the system set up to make it incredibly hard for real trauma survivors to try and get the help they need? To get anywhere, is it really that bad that you have to have a celebrity "name" connected to it to get attention?

Why do people say "sex abuse" and not rape, whether it's a woman or a guy survivor? Isn't that like saying "enhanced interrogation techniques" instead of torture? Is it because people are eating breakfast or dinner, and we just don't talk about things like that at those times?

I feel like I'm the only person in my "immediate family" (whatever that means) that's not mentally ill. Am I the only one that sees vicious abuse and denial? Am I the only one who sees that saying being raped by a pedophile is "normal" sexual experimentation is seriously fucked up? Can any sane, rational person NOT see that? Shouldn't any person like that be permanently barred from any contact with kids?

Am I the ONLY one that sees that?

Unless I have to look at it, I stay away from the news. It's too triggering, and why would I want to end up dissociating for a week before I regain some sense of focus? This tells me that yes, my symptoms are still that severe.

One key for all survivors to keep in mind. Your body memory and intuition don't lie. I know that a third serial pedophile repeatedly raped me, and nobody did anything about it. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

On really bad days, I feel like I have cancer, fibromyalgia and MS all at the same time. Plus there's fear and a sense of abandonment. You feel like an orphan and don't know what to do.

Just try to pay attention to how you feel.

Some Ways to Deal With Trauma

Time to break our "no progressive content" rule to make some points.

The aftermath of the Treyvon Martin case continues. This means that more recycled comments about race will continue (along with the "pundit" comments, books, documentaries, cable news comments, lectures, films and any other profit making venture you can think of). We already know that racism sucks, is horrible, deadly, and needs to be stopped.

Yet, the mostly white owned corporate MSM won't allow all of the truth to be told. This means that everyone from Jesse Jackson to Al Sharpton, Tavis Smiley and others can only go so far. If you go beyond that, you're considered (fill in the blank with various racist terms), and cut off. None of these people are that brave. Which means you keep putting out the obvious, and you keep your job.

For everyone who's surviving trauma in some way, how do you cope? Here are some ideas.

It's not your fault (whether you're a survivor, or someone was sadly killed).
Nobody asked for this.
Why does the system treat survivors and victims so horribly? In many cases, racism, money and power. Maintain the status quo.
Despite all the horrible stuff that others may say and do, keep this in mind. As long as you're telling the truth, that's all that matters.

Money, Balance and More

Our suggestion. Stay away from the triggering news, unless you have to look. If you do, screen everything, because there's a lot of sick stuff out there.

More closer to home, another three weeks until the next therapy session. In the meantime, I'm still balancing job leads with money problems, symptoms and more. Protection is also mandatory. Flashbacks to vicious abuse still happen all day long. You try to focus on the present as best you can. Despite doing that, you can still struggle with how come nobody helped me?

Even with the abuse and feelings of abandonment, you try to keep things in mind:

You're not weird, a freak or "abnormal" in any way because of being raped by three serial pedophiles.
Now, all of the backed up trauma is flooding out.
Just because you were raped by pedophiles doesn't mean that you will rape some other little kid.

Why then do I at times have that fleeting thought? I have no desire to hurt either myself or anyone else. Especially an innocent terrified little kid. Why then do I have this fleeting sick and twisted thought?

Is it because it's a reaction of some type to being raped and horrible trauma? I've asked lots of sources, and so far NOBODY knows. My current therapist doesn't like contact with clients outside sessions unless it's an emergency. And I have nowhere else to go to.

The thought comes to mind. Do I have to cure myself?

Try Not to Dissociate

It's still a daily battle to deal with symptoms. I still have the urge to dissociate all day long. Which means force yourself to go the other way, and see what happens.

Cover bases, look for the new jobs, doctor appointments and more. How do I make extra money to help pay for my holistic treatment? In juggling all of this, I'm just trying to keep a healthy balance. Like I told one of my mental health support sources last night, not perfectionism. Just a balance.

Tomorrow's my birthday (happy birthday to me!). A well deserved day off. Feel free to post comments. If Obama calls, I'm not available.

Getting Scarier As You Go Along

I'm still trying to keep my system as healthy as I can. Set boundaries and trust your intution. Yet, despite all that more anger, frustration and feelings of abandonment come out as well.

I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else. However, I still at times feel like killing anyone who gets in my way. Can I trust anyone? Is everyone out to screw me over, and then kill me as well? I have to be extremely careful right now with so much triggering content everywhere. If you're not, you can end up dissociating for a week.

Why do the sick twisted lucid dreams, body pain and despair keep happening? Because I haven't dealt with it before. Which means it's going to come out.

I literally can't touch 99% of my formerly favorite foods. If I do, it causes horrible pain all over.

Now, another three weeks to go till the next therapist appointment.