We all have our good and evil sides. However, when you feel like you have to suppress your anger to survive and not get abused, how do you do that? We did that for a long time to literally survive. Now, we have bad days where our evil side is screaming all kinds of horrible stuff. We don't act on it out loud. But it's still there.
Lately, there have been more nightmares, dissociating, pain and adrenalin surges. It takes about five minuets a day to put my shoes on due to adrenalin surges. If you don't concentrate, it feels like I don't have sensation in different parts of my body.
How do you cope with that? It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Yet it feels like the world wants nothing to do with you.
I'm not trying to torture myself or be a professional patient. Instead, face the full reality of your trauma history in the most non-threatening way you can. Protect your well being at all costs.
Can you screen everything? No you can't. You can however try to protect yourself. Don't take everything as being second nature. Do I really have to deal with this, or not? What does your intuition say? I'm not always right. But I do okay.
Do you feel like you're the only one who sees all the hypocracy in the world? I know I'm not. On the other hand, I do hear that a lot from other survivors.
Just cove your bases and say, we're not insane. These is a survival and healing mechanism from a log history of horrible abuse. Which isn't my fault.
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