All of my mental health sources tell me the same thing. Considering the horrible trauma you went thru and didn't deal with for a long time (for whatever reasons), it's understandable that it's coming out now.
How is it coming out? Aside from the "standard" mix of PTSD symptoms, another part of it is terrifying flashbacks where you literally feel like you're THIS CLOSE to dying. And nobody will listen, help you or care. You don't want to literally dissolve away and never be seen again. It's like you vanish and then you have no idea of who's taking over and what they're saying or doing. You have to fight really hard to keep what is the core of your personality, if you will from vanishing.
Horrible pain in every part of your body. You scream and nobody listens. Nobody comes running into the room with a weapon to save you. You look for a weapon in the room, but there's nothing there.
How then do you fight back?
One way is for your fight-or-flight mechanism to freeze. Time seems distorted, and you can't move. On the other hand, you're still alive. You feel like a piece of garbage. But you're still alive.
Then, you still feel like a piece of trash. Nobody comes in to help you. Nobody says to call the cops. Nobody says to do a rape kit exam (how many guy survivors are given a rape kit exam?). We were given none of that.
You don't want to hurt either yourself or someone else. Which means you have to fight back. Meanwhile, every day you're getting bombarded with abuse everywhere you turn. Can you trust anybody, or not?
You can't let up for a second. Now, try living under that stress for years and years.
Now, split second flashbacks happen and we scream because of anal pain. It's like every molecule in your body is in pain. However, nobody will listen or save you.
Is it because they just can't be bothered?
Do they care if you're alive?
It's not my job to psychoanalyze them. They chose to do and say horrible things. Now, they have to live with the consequences.
I don't want to hurt myself or anybody else. Having said that, on bad days we just cry all day long. There's despair and a feeling of abandonment. Will anyone notice that we're alive? That's not a suicidal threat. That's expressing a common feeling among survivors.
I don't know what else to say.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
It's a Mix of Stuff
Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. It's been a really rough week. Everything from job interviews to not getting any sleep at night from anger and other symptoms coming out. Now, let's catch up.
We try to keep in mind that we have no control over what others say and do. Odds are that Obama won't call back, even if we did get the Oval Office number. It also amazes me how cruel
various people can be without apparently any comprehension or sign of empathy whatsoever.
Despite all that, what helps frankly not just give in and off yourself?
First, despite all the terror of symptoms, abandonment and what others do and say, I know (and my multiples and little kid also know) that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't ask to be humiliated and laughed at while we're in horrible pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest things
to deal with in our healing. How anybody could be capable of that.
We've literally had to fight every single day since we got raped to survive. 99% of the world couldn't be bothered to listen or to take us seriously. It's like being attacked every single day. Nobody's going to listen or care.
How then do you survive?
One answer? Nobody forces others who for whatever reasons decide to do and say cruel things. They choose to do it. Which means that like everybody else, they're responsible for what they do and say. It's not my job to be their therapist and fix this for them. They have to live with the consequences.
On really bad days, we just turn things off and cry all day long. You feel like an empty shell and go thru the day doing various things. If someone asks usual things (how are you, did you find everything you need and more), you smile and respond with the usual responses to get out of there. It's not the normal ups and downs that we all deal with. It's endless despair. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try to focus and then sit. Everything still feels black.
What do you do then?
Many times we just rock back and forth. My multiples and little kid like that, and not always but many times it helps. Why? Because since we've been raped, we've only had ONE person actually give us a non-threatening reassuring hug and actually mean it when they said I'm sorry you were raped.
If that's only happened once in your entire life, what kind of effect does that have on you? You could say everybody's different. Therefore there's no way to really answer that. While everyone is different, from a survivor's perspective that's dodging the question.
What then does help? Maybe just breaking things down into small segments. How do I get thru the next ten seconds without blacking out? How do I cope with horrible feelings of abandonment? Like literally no one can be bothered to admit that you exist.
How would you cope with that?
Anyway, again sorry to be away for a while. I'll try to keep up here as regularly as I can. Any complaints about this, please blame (a) the economy, (b) politicians. Or (c) both a and b.
We try to keep in mind that we have no control over what others say and do. Odds are that Obama won't call back, even if we did get the Oval Office number. It also amazes me how cruel
various people can be without apparently any comprehension or sign of empathy whatsoever.
Despite all that, what helps frankly not just give in and off yourself?
First, despite all the terror of symptoms, abandonment and what others do and say, I know (and my multiples and little kid also know) that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't ask to be humiliated and laughed at while we're in horrible pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest things
to deal with in our healing. How anybody could be capable of that.
We've literally had to fight every single day since we got raped to survive. 99% of the world couldn't be bothered to listen or to take us seriously. It's like being attacked every single day. Nobody's going to listen or care.
How then do you survive?
One answer? Nobody forces others who for whatever reasons decide to do and say cruel things. They choose to do it. Which means that like everybody else, they're responsible for what they do and say. It's not my job to be their therapist and fix this for them. They have to live with the consequences.
On really bad days, we just turn things off and cry all day long. You feel like an empty shell and go thru the day doing various things. If someone asks usual things (how are you, did you find everything you need and more), you smile and respond with the usual responses to get out of there. It's not the normal ups and downs that we all deal with. It's endless despair. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try to focus and then sit. Everything still feels black.
What do you do then?
Many times we just rock back and forth. My multiples and little kid like that, and not always but many times it helps. Why? Because since we've been raped, we've only had ONE person actually give us a non-threatening reassuring hug and actually mean it when they said I'm sorry you were raped.
If that's only happened once in your entire life, what kind of effect does that have on you? You could say everybody's different. Therefore there's no way to really answer that. While everyone is different, from a survivor's perspective that's dodging the question.
What then does help? Maybe just breaking things down into small segments. How do I get thru the next ten seconds without blacking out? How do I cope with horrible feelings of abandonment? Like literally no one can be bothered to admit that you exist.
How would you cope with that?
Anyway, again sorry to be away for a while. I'll try to keep up here as regularly as I can. Any complaints about this, please blame (a) the economy, (b) politicians. Or (c) both a and b.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Despair
It's a mix of good and scary stuff. Two job interviews earlier today. Possibly another one in the next few days. Also, despair and at times not knowing what to do.
You feel paralyzed. You try to ground yourself, but that doesn't always work. What do you do then?
Flashbacks to horrible abuse happen. How come nobody helped us? What's real and what isn't? We can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.
Keep your self control.
You feel paralyzed. You try to ground yourself, but that doesn't always work. What do you do then?
Flashbacks to horrible abuse happen. How come nobody helped us? What's real and what isn't? We can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.
Keep your self control.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Global Sequestration
Welcome to Sequestration Cut Friday. For anyone who doesn't know, these are government cuts that Obama has to sign into law in the next 31 minutes (as we post this). Then, no matter how people spin these, they will happen and affect the global economy.
Now, onto other stuff.
Too cold to go out tonight. Instead, stay in with some nice herbal tea and Net radio. Went to a job fair earlier today (does the rest of the world say "job fair" when various emplyers gather in one place?). Had 8 interviews, and now more leads. Cover all your bases, and have as many options as possible.
As we walked around, at times it was hard to focus. No violent dissociating. However, symptoms are still there. Like any trauma survivor, we want to protect ourselves and go in the most positive direction we can.
That doesn't mean that nightmares aren't still there. It doesn't mean that lucid dreams aren't still there that we have to fight out way out of. Body pain is still there as well.
What else is still there? Flashbacks to horrible dissociating after being raped. You know something's wrong, but you're not sure what it is. You're scared to go to sleep at night. Will you wake up? Why do the same horrible things keep happening? Does anybody hear us trying to scream? How come nobody's there?
Nobody will touch you or reassure you in any way. Do all trauma survivors go thru this?
We use lots of drugs and other things to try and escape from horrible pain. But it only makes it worse.
Nobody's listening. Abuse is everywhere. On the other hand, we refuse to just roll over and die.
Nobody's paying attention. Do we also have to cure ourselves as well?
While you can't control what others do and say, normal human beings that didn't ask to be tortured can only take so much.
Now, at times it feels like there's some clarity. When that happens, not always but many times everything feels black. Not to the point that we'll say that's enough and off ourselves. We'll never make that mistake. Having said that, you have to protect yourself at all costs. Hopefully, where you are in the world isn't to the point where you have to take a gun with you everywhere you go. Will someone attack you? Is someone following you? Are you going to be killed on the job today?
Be selective where you post. Not all but many comment sections are trolls attacking each other because that's what trolls do (whether you're paid for it or not). Do you really want to be part of that?
We're just trying to cope with the despair and feeling of abandonment. Hope it's better in your part of the world.
Now, onto other stuff.
Too cold to go out tonight. Instead, stay in with some nice herbal tea and Net radio. Went to a job fair earlier today (does the rest of the world say "job fair" when various emplyers gather in one place?). Had 8 interviews, and now more leads. Cover all your bases, and have as many options as possible.
As we walked around, at times it was hard to focus. No violent dissociating. However, symptoms are still there. Like any trauma survivor, we want to protect ourselves and go in the most positive direction we can.
That doesn't mean that nightmares aren't still there. It doesn't mean that lucid dreams aren't still there that we have to fight out way out of. Body pain is still there as well.
What else is still there? Flashbacks to horrible dissociating after being raped. You know something's wrong, but you're not sure what it is. You're scared to go to sleep at night. Will you wake up? Why do the same horrible things keep happening? Does anybody hear us trying to scream? How come nobody's there?
Nobody will touch you or reassure you in any way. Do all trauma survivors go thru this?
We use lots of drugs and other things to try and escape from horrible pain. But it only makes it worse.
Nobody's listening. Abuse is everywhere. On the other hand, we refuse to just roll over and die.
Nobody's paying attention. Do we also have to cure ourselves as well?
While you can't control what others do and say, normal human beings that didn't ask to be tortured can only take so much.
Now, at times it feels like there's some clarity. When that happens, not always but many times everything feels black. Not to the point that we'll say that's enough and off ourselves. We'll never make that mistake. Having said that, you have to protect yourself at all costs. Hopefully, where you are in the world isn't to the point where you have to take a gun with you everywhere you go. Will someone attack you? Is someone following you? Are you going to be killed on the job today?
Be selective where you post. Not all but many comment sections are trolls attacking each other because that's what trolls do (whether you're paid for it or not). Do you really want to be part of that?
We're just trying to cope with the despair and feeling of abandonment. Hope it's better in your part of the world.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Lots of Bases to Cover
How's your week looking? Tomorrow, another job interview. Friday, 2 more. Cover all the bases you can.
Aside from that, we're still sticking to protecting ourself. Symptoms are still there, but our holsitic diet helps to have moments of some clarity.
How do you deal with paralyzing fear and abandoment? When it happens to us, it's like you're paralyzed. You literally can't move because you don't know what to do.
Severe body pain is still happening. Is it only due to to much acidic stuff in our diet? Or, is it a combination of that and backed up trauma flooding out? We think it's both.
We just try to keep in mind it's not our fault.
Aside from that, we're still sticking to protecting ourself. Symptoms are still there, but our holsitic diet helps to have moments of some clarity.
How do you deal with paralyzing fear and abandoment? When it happens to us, it's like you're paralyzed. You literally can't move because you don't know what to do.
Severe body pain is still happening. Is it only due to to much acidic stuff in our diet? Or, is it a combination of that and backed up trauma flooding out? We think it's both.
We just try to keep in mind it's not our fault.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Oscar Night
Working online tonight, and trying to focus on keeping our balance. There's a real sense of emptiness and abandonment at times. We keep in mind it's not our fault. We have no control over others. Screen everything to protect yourself.
Meditation and tai chi help to an extent to focus and build strength. Despite that, we still have to be careful to control symptoms. It still feels like we have to detoxify our diet more to keep the p/h balance okay.
Do you still have nightmares? We still do, and you can't just sit back and do nothing. Is it a nightmare or a lucid dream? We're not sure. The point is that you have to fight back.
NOTE: Thanks to the ongoing support, we're now read in almost all 50 states and 46 countries. Give our URL out to others as long as it doesn't endanger your healing or for anyone else.
Meditation and tai chi help to an extent to focus and build strength. Despite that, we still have to be careful to control symptoms. It still feels like we have to detoxify our diet more to keep the p/h balance okay.
Do you still have nightmares? We still do, and you can't just sit back and do nothing. Is it a nightmare or a lucid dream? We're not sure. The point is that you have to fight back.
NOTE: Thanks to the ongoing support, we're now read in almost all 50 states and 46 countries. Give our URL out to others as long as it doesn't endanger your healing or for anyone else.
Friday, February 22, 2013
It is Friday
Is it Friday? Here, it still is. East of Newfoundland, it's already Saturday. Let's see what happens.
We're covering bases and really trying to protect ourselves. Take things in ten second splits. Meditation and tai chi help in some ways. In others, we're trying to face the full reality of being raped as best we can. It's not our fault.
We're on the right track in our healing.
We're covering bases and really trying to protect ourselves. Take things in ten second splits. Meditation and tai chi help in some ways. In others, we're trying to face the full reality of being raped as best we can. It's not our fault.
We're on the right track in our healing.
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