Fight to Focus

Don't dissociate. Protect you well being as best you can.

Fight, fight, fight.

Pain and Symptoms

You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down. This means taking lots of breaks as you try to go along.

Because you have to.

Symptoms and Exhaustion

Almost no sleep at all. You wake up and then ask, are we awake or dissociating? If we can't go back to sleep, then it's drink some tea and try to lie down and focus on rest. When was the last time we got a good night sleep? We can't remember.

Our tolerance for stimulants is gone. Salt, sugar, caffeine (even in small amounts) don't really help. That's one common problem of trauma survivors. Constant burnout. If you're not careful, it's a vicious cycle. You have to try and protect yourself as best you can.

Do we have an addictive personality? I've beaten seven to get to this point. But the pain never goes away.

Health is both physical and emotional. But also, just adding more medication doesn't help. UNLESS you absolutely have to take it.

You have to face your trauma history as best you can. As long as it doesn't hurt you in some way.

You have to fight really hard all the time to not dissociate. It never stops.

Protect yourself.

You Have to Fight Back

Everywhere you look, it's triggering stuff. Sometimes we have days with almost no noise. Why? Because you  just want to feel safe. In our own home. But when you go out, you always have to have an escape plan.

Our well being comes first. You can't take on your pain and the pain of the world all at the same time.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate and black out. Our appetite has gone down some more. Now at times small meals are a struggle. Also, scream as you fight to not black out from pain.

Protect yourself.

Symptoms and Exhaustion

Fight symptoms and constant exhaustion. Pay attention to tiny things in how you feel. We can do things in spurts. Then, sit and rest.

Our appetite has gone down some more. But we're not skipping meals. It's just how do you not inadvertantly starve yourself?

Protect yourself.

You Have to Fight Back

Another day of fighting symptoms. But you have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect your well being.

Just sit and focus on feeling safe in your own home.

A Mix

The good news? The government shutdown ended. The bad news? There's still no annual budget. When was the last one? About 15 years ago.

A long day of fighting symptoms and relapses for salt and sugar. But you try and cope as best you can.

Set boundaries and protect your well being.

A Long Day

Fighting symptoms and exhaustion. But you have to. Don't let your guard down so you'll relapse. You have to protect yourself.

Stay well.

Set Boundaries

As best you can, protect yourself. Set boundaries as you try to face your history head on. Because you have to.

Nightmares have come back. Also, almost no sleep. Despite that, more medication will make things worse. You try and cope as best you can.

Stay well.

It's Going to Happen

As we post this, 2 1/2 hours before the govt. shutdown. Millions of people will be hurt by this. The politicians on the other hand won't. Almost all are millionaires who have the best job perks and health care that money can buy. Because they're rich and powerful, that's why.

As for the rest of us, a long day of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. We're trying really hard not to have a relapse and then lots of salt and sugar in the diet. That's a common problem that trauma survivors have. You always feel burned out. On the other hand, we don't want to be taking lots of meds every day and then constantly drugged out. That just makes things worse.

Protect yourself.

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

Another day of cold, symptoms and lots of triggering stuff. Unless they stop it, the US government will shutdown at midnight Friday. Why do the politicians do this stupid stuff? Because they like money and power.

You try to be aware and care. But your well being comes first. Because if it doesn't, you can't be effective.

Protect yourself.

Symptoms and Exhaustion

Fighting symptoms and constant exhaustion. But what else can you do?

Message for the Day

It's not your fault.

Constantly Fighting Symptoms

Nightmares still happen. You then try to wake up, but you're still fighting to not dissociate. Sometimes you have sleep paralysis. You open your eyes, but you can't do anything else. You know your arms and hands are there. But your energy doesn't reach them. You almost have to focus and will your energy to circulate thru so you can move again.

Why does this happen? Why does almost no sleep always happen? Because pain is always there. Just taking more medication will make it worse. Which means focus and try to protect your well being.

We're not doing anything wrong. We can't save the world all by ourselves. But we do our best to protect ourselves.

Stay warm and well.

Triggering Stuff Everywhere

Today's like a bad smog day. Triggering stuff is everywhere you look. Everything has to be screened as you try to protect your well being. Does it feel at times like the quality level (for lack of a better phrase) of everything is going downhill? You can't singlehandedly save the world. But as you stay aware, you're bombarded with symptoms and pain.

Torture flashbacks still happen. No one comes into the room to save you. Nobody produces a rape testing kit. You don't have a death wise. But the pain never goes away.

You can;t let your guard down. If you do, threats are everywhere. It's not a matter of letting the psycho rapists control your life. Just the opposite. You have to face your trauma history head on as best you can. It's not being a "professional patient". Denial will only make things worse.

Other people say and do horrible things. They have to live with the consequences of that. Not us.

We're not strange.
We're not weird.
We're not a freak.
We don't have a death wish.
We're not a threat to anyone.
You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and "go with your feelings".

At times we just curl up and rock back and forth. You just want to feel safe. What happens when almost no one tries to give you a reassuring hug and say I'm sorry you were rapped AND actually mean it? What kind of long term psychological effects does that have on someone?

Protect your well being.

Protect Yourself

Here in the States, four days till another possible government shutdown. This means that Congress and Trump can't agree on a budget. So the government shuts down, except for "essential personnel". Yes, they're considered essential.

Symptoms and exhaustion are still there. You try and focus, but the pain never goes away.

Is Anybody Paying Attention?

Greetings to all the brave people in Hawaii. Hope you're doing okay now. Now that the nuclear missile attack turned out to be a false alarm. Some emergency defense person pushed the wrong button. Then, it took almost 40 minutes to issue a false alarm. Meanwhile, where was Trump? Playing golf and couldn't be bothered.

This leads to the question, is anybody paying attention? Does anybody care about my well being? Many say they want nothing to do with us or any part of our trauma history. Something that we didn't ask for. But the pain never goes away.

You do the best you can. You do your best to try and protect your well being. The pain is still there. Psychotic episodes still happen. Despite that, we're not crazy. We're not weird, a freak or a danger to anybody in any way.

But the pain is always there.

Don't let your guard down. Don't set yourself up to have a dissociative relapse. Denial lets you escape pain? No. It makes it worse.

You have to fight back. If we have suicidal thoughts, we'll never do that. But it's important to admit that those thoughts are there.

We're not a threat to anybody.

How will terrified and now angry people in Hawaii deal with the PTSD symptoms that will come from the false alarm attack?

Remember, it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Don't hide behind denial. Face your anger, fear and more as best you can. It's scary but it's important to admit that all of that is there.

Stay well.

No DACA. What's Next?

It's another day of fighting symptoms. Also, fighting for survival for many. Time to break our no progressive politics content rule. Why? Because here in the States nine millions little kids have no health coverage. It's called CHIP (Child Health Insurance Program). Congress stopped funding it. Now, millions of kids could die without it.

What the politicians don't understand (or just don't care about) is that health is both physical and emotional. Not two seperate things. Many are multimillionaires who will get an enormous tax cut. They see health as not a right but as a business investment. What's in it for me? What's the return? Politicians automatically get the best health care. Why? Because they're rich and powerful and they should have the best. As for the rest, the government has NO RESPONSIBILITY to save anyone else's life. If you get sick or injured, just shut up and die. Millions of right wingers actually support this. They'll fight to the death for the right to have as many guns as possible. But a safe home, a good job and health care for everyone? Fuck that. That's goddamn socialism. We can't have that shit. These people still say if you don't like it here, go back to Russia. Uh, I've never been to Russia. I was born here. Get the fuck out!

The pain of trauma never goes away. For a while today, we've struggled with suicidal thoughts. Lots of pain (both physical and emotional). Do we have a death wish? No. Is this trauma pain, cancer or something else? We think it's trauma pain. It never goes away. But we'll never ever go back to a psych hospital ever again.

Protect your well being.

Pain and Exhaustion

Fight symptoms and screen everything. Protect yourself so you don't relapse. The exhaustion is always there. But what else can you do?

What Are the Rules?

Welcome to all of our new readers. As our regular audience knows, normally we don't talk about progressive politics. There are lots of other progressive blogs out there that are doing great and important work. But here the rule is stay away from that. UNLESS something happens. Which means you need to know what the rules are first before you break them. Now it's time.

In case you missed it, Oprah Winfrey was given a lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes. This is traditionally one of the warmup award shows before the Oscars. The other warmup is the BAFTAs (the British Oscars). She made a nice speech basically talking about how important and powerful the truth is. While this is true, one thing that NOBODY else has talked about is the hypocracy in this.

Lots of women are coming forward and talking about being trauma survivors. Good for them. However, almost no one gives the same intensive coverage to guy trauma survivors. Why is that? Is it because pedophiles raping terrified innocent little boys is just too weird? Is it because the thought of gay sex is just like really icky in some way?

In todays' society, the rich and powerful want to hear the truth only when it fits their agendas. Richard Gere is a long time supporter of Tibet who continues to speak out. These people deserve to be heard as well. Yet, Gere is banned for life from presenting at the Oscars. So what's the point of going? Why? Yes Trump needs to be called out for the stupid shit that he says and does. But if someone like Gere tries to help people who need it, he's blacklisted. Why? Because China is the second biggest global market for Hollywood. Which means you keep your damn mouth shut, or you don't work.

Traumatized women are okay to talk about. Millions of traumatized Tibetans? Absolutely not.

Now the "standard" of covering politics in the States is now just hype, gossip and whatever makes the most money. Actual issues affecting millions? To hell with that. Which means the rich and powerful in control of this system just don't care. Which means we choose to vote with our TV remote and money. You want to be hypocrites? Go ahead. I'll go elsewhere and try to make things better.

Protect yourself.

Screen Everything and Protect Yourself

A long day of fighting exhaustion and symptoms. We can get out of the house and into our day. But it's constant exhaustion. Tiny things take a huge amount of energy.

You know you're doing the right things overall. However, the pain is always there.

Focus and Don't Dissociate

All day, symptoms and exhaustion. Don't let your guard down. Screen everything.

It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Protect yourself.

Don't Let Your Guard Down

Screen everything as you try to not let your guard down. Do you really want to dissociate and literally vanish for hours? Not knowing where you are? No we don't.

But we know we're doing the right things. Triggering stuff is everywhere. Screen it all and do your best to set boundaries. Because you have to.

You Have to Protect Yourself

Fighting exhaustion and symptoms. But on the other hand, no dissociative relapses.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Screen Everything

Triggering content is everywhere. Screen everything and protect yourself as best you can.

As you do, how do you deal with your pain? In our case, it never goes away. But the fact that we're not hiding behind denial is the right thing to do. Be aware and care. But your well being comes first.

Protect yourself.

You Have to Screen Everything

Another triggering day with triggering content everywhere. You have to screen it all to protect yourself. We can get out the front door without dissociating. But you still struggle no matter where you go.

Yes, we can't singlehandedly save the world. But continue to be aware and care. Do what you can

Protect yourself.

Exhaustion and Pain

Fight symptoms and don't let your guard down so you relapse and dissociate. You have to screen everything because triggering stuff is everywhere.

Protect yourself.

Happy New Year

Happy 2018. How's it looking in your part of the world? Here, cold and fighting symptoms. Pain is still there, and at times almost feels paralyzing. We try to stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. But pain still comes. At times, it feels like your muscles just lock and you can't move.

We know we did nothing wrong. It's not our fault. You try and cope as best you can. But the pain never goes away.