Today's Balance

It's a real struggle today to not dissociate. Flashbacks, lucid dreams and feelings of abandonment continue to happen. You can't save everyone from all of the evil people in the world. But also, how do you continue to protect yourself?

You don't want to dissociate and vanish. You try to ground yourself, and barely hold on so you don't black out. Now, do that about 100 times a day.

What else can we do? Just bear in mind that we're not "weird" in any way. This is a normal survival mechanism to deal with trauma.

Now, how do you keep your energy level up without lapsing and going back to sugar and junk food?

Severe Flashbacks and More (Contains potentially severe triggering content. Read at your own risk).

It's an almost-all-wi-fi-day. Work anywhere around the house and live stream anything from anywhere for free. The way it should be.

That being said, I still have despair and symptoms. You don't want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. But they're still there.

What can you do? Protect yourself as best you can. Set boundaries and trust your intuition. If you see a pattern in something, odds are you're right.

Lots of people are telling me that this backed up terror is normal. It's also scary and leads to almost no sleep. At times, it's like watching a really sad highlight reel.

I see my little kid. I see other little kids. One minute they're happy. The next, screaming and nobody's there to help them. I'm sitting upstairs in a room with the breeze blowing and feeling like nobody cares. Others are downstairs, but nobody bothers to pay attention.

Does anyone care?

You can say it's not your responsibility to save everyone from all of the evil people out there. While I know that's true, human emotions aren't like a light switch. One minute you're scared. The next, carry on. No big deal.

Real life doesn't work like that.

Maybe I can't save everyone. But I will protect myself and do what I can after that.

I don't know exactly where all of you are. However, I know that you are there. How do you cope with this?

How Much Can You Handle?

It's a mix of a lot today. We can't handle many formerly favorite foods. One minute there's some sense of focus. Then, despair and abandonment. We still feel run down and take breaks during the day.

Is there some other physical problem that I don't know about? Not sure.

We're just trying to cover bases as best we can. Everything still has to be screened. Then again, what else can I do?

Just trying for some sense of balance.

Famous Name Here

Do you feel like you're being heard as you go along in your healing? I still screen everything, because much of the time I feel like I'm about five steps ahead of the rest of the world. I know everything that's going to be said, and what the responses will be. Having said that, why bother even looking at it?

While celebrities speak out on a wide range of things (which is their right), also keep several things in mind.

Will speaking out cost them their job(s)?
Will they go bankrupt trying to get the proper treatment if they're dealing with a history of untreated trauma?
Will they be denied health coverage because this trauma is a "pre-existing" condition? Or, will their health provider not have the nerve to deny (famous name here) coverage, and then risk the public backlash?

Not being a celebrity and not working at the moment, if I went public, I could have serious problems. If you're an employer, would you knowingly hire someone with PTSD if you knew ahead of time that they had it? Forget about there are various anti-discrimination laws and other legal stuff. This is daily reality.

If no major health carrier will cover you, you could possibly get low-income coverage. Then again, if you make too much "income" that's gone. Then what do you do?

If a celebrity uses their "fame" to draw attention to an issue, is it exposing the issue or them versus some other famous name? Not always, but too often it turns into a battle of "names", instead of dealing with a serious problem. If you take the time to complain, the MSM says if it trends it leads. We don't make the news. We just go with what gets ratings.

What do you do then?

That's one reason why I don't watch regular TV right now. When was the last time I bought a MSM newspaper or magazine? I can't remember. The quality continues to go down. And various "experts" continue to be mystified why that's happening.

Then again, that's not my responsibility. Dealing with my own healing is hard enough.

Awareness

I'm really trying to pay attention to the effects of things. Tiny amounts that mess up your p/h balance cause pain all over. If it's caffeine, more pain and at times hallucinations.

It feels like all the backed up trauma is flooding out. You try to keep your balance and to not just black out. Yet you also feel like you can barely move. It's not that you want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. You feel like there's almost no energy at all.

Every source that I trust says the same thing. It has to come out either in good ways, or bad ways. Now, it's catching up to you.

When the full reality of trauma hits you, how do you not scream and black out? The pressure feels really severe, and at times I don't know what to do.

Just try to keep some sense of balance.

It's All Connected

Happy Global Mom's Day. If you're either done with it or it's coming up soon in your part of the world, have some fun.

Here, it's been just having time for me. I still have to pace a lot of stuff because of burnout. Screen everything, and struggle with flashbacks that are still too much to cope with.

Is it all connected? Yes, it is. A lot of previous severe illnesses were due to long-term untreated PTSD symptoms. Which leads to the next question. How do you cope with burnout?

It's not my fault. I didn't ask for all of this pain and humiliation. I can't make others understand about the torture that happened to me. On the other hand, I can and will set boundaries to protect myself and my self-esteem.

You're too exhausted at times to do the smallest things. You sit, try to have some sense of clarity, and to not dissociate and black out. You also struggle with despair and abandonment. Someone else can try and say they care about you. However, that doesn't change the fact that you told them you were raped, and they deliberately did nothing.

Now, they have to deal with that. Not me.

You just want relief from pain.

Coping Ideas for You

A few errands today, and then just rest. Small things take a huge amount of energy. You just sit at times and don't know what else to do.

However, that's ok. I did nothing wrong, and all of this is a survival mechanism. You feel sad and don't know what to do. Just turn things off and sit. Go for a walk. Go have a drink and sit on the balcony.

It's not your fault.