As I go along, I'm paying attention to my health (mind and body) as best I can. Not perfection, but balance in many things (diet, exercise, lots of rest, emotions and more). No "official" diagnosis on this yet, other than complex PTSD symptoms. Having said that, I think that I have severe adrenal burnout. Years of horrible untreated symptoms can cause that. What else could it be?
I'm not saying all traditional medicine and people are evil. I'm just saying that in my case, I've had better luck with holisitic doctors and treatment versus traditional.
How do you deal with feeling abandoned or denial on the part of others?
Is it your job to make the rest of the world understand?
How do you deal with double standards? I care about you. Now, go away.
I'm really struggling with despair and abandonment. I'm not a case file or a statistic. I'm a human being who exists and is fighting to be heard.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Not Perfection. Just Balance.
I'm finally starting to catch up on my sleep. Before this, hadn't slept for almost two days. I went to my first doctor's appointment, and in some ways it wasn't surprising. The doctor means well, but has no PTSD training whatsoever Why then am I here? Keep going with getting treatment. But from now on, go somewhere else.
Now, it's focus on holistic healing. Unintentionally, part of the problem in my case has ben poisoning my system with lots of junk food to escape pain which only made it worse. Now, it's time to detoxify overall. Can you do this and still have fun with actual enjoyable foods? Yes, you can. It's a challenge. However, it's not that expensive to do.
The pain of untreated trauma still hits really hard and is rough to deal with. You know it's not your fault. Yet, you feel like you're getting hit with a billion flashbacks all at once. You also have normal concerns:
Do I have to cure myself?
Does anybody want to admit that I exist?
Does a long time with no reassurance damage you psychologically?
Like anyone, you want reassurance and relief from pain. You can't make people understand about trauma. You can't make them admit that you exist. It would be human decency on their part. Then again, am I their psychiatrist? No, I'm not.
Protect yourself as you go along. Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Do you really need to do this? If not, what's a better alternative? The healthier you are, the sharper your intuition. My percentage isn't 100%. But it has gotten better.
Now, it's focus on holistic healing. Unintentionally, part of the problem in my case has ben poisoning my system with lots of junk food to escape pain which only made it worse. Now, it's time to detoxify overall. Can you do this and still have fun with actual enjoyable foods? Yes, you can. It's a challenge. However, it's not that expensive to do.
The pain of untreated trauma still hits really hard and is rough to deal with. You know it's not your fault. Yet, you feel like you're getting hit with a billion flashbacks all at once. You also have normal concerns:
Do I have to cure myself?
Does anybody want to admit that I exist?
Does a long time with no reassurance damage you psychologically?
Like anyone, you want reassurance and relief from pain. You can't make people understand about trauma. You can't make them admit that you exist. It would be human decency on their part. Then again, am I their psychiatrist? No, I'm not.
Protect yourself as you go along. Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Do you really need to do this? If not, what's a better alternative? The healthier you are, the sharper your intuition. My percentage isn't 100%. But it has gotten better.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Ongoing Protection
A rough start this morning. Almost no sleep, and do I give in and drink lots of caffeine and sugar? I'm really trying to stay away from that to keep my p/h balance together. Am I still detoxifying from years of junk food abuse? Maybe.
Now, take breaks but try and get lots of things done. No personal assistant, so what else can I do?
Do I still have despair and a sense of abandonment? It's also fighting dissociating all day long. You scream and hold onto solid things around you so you don't black out. You can't just sit back and do nothing.
Protect yourself, set boundaries and feel good about that.
Now, take breaks but try and get lots of things done. No personal assistant, so what else can I do?
Do I still have despair and a sense of abandonment? It's also fighting dissociating all day long. You scream and hold onto solid things around you so you don't black out. You can't just sit back and do nothing.
Protect yourself, set boundaries and feel good about that.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Focus for Balance
Taking things in tiny segments. You try to wake up and focus your energy so you feel awake and not half asleep all day. Then, fight dissociating and other symptoms as you go along. I still take breaks during the day, and just turn things off.
Not much sleep now for over two weeks. Will the doctor on Tuesday have a solution that doesn't mean meds? I don't know.
You have to fight to keep some sense of balance because nobody else will do it for you.
No dissociative blackouts for a while now. However, at times I'm scared because it feels like it might happen. How do you scream, focus and fight your way out of this?
Tiny segments.
Not much sleep now for over two weeks. Will the doctor on Tuesday have a solution that doesn't mean meds? I don't know.
You have to fight to keep some sense of balance because nobody else will do it for you.
No dissociative blackouts for a while now. However, at times I'm scared because it feels like it might happen. How do you scream, focus and fight your way out of this?
Tiny segments.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Protection
It's a mix today. Some focus at times. At others, non-stop fighting of dissociation. On the other hand, i know I'm on the right track in healing.
It's okay to set boundaries and say, I'm not available right now. You're not a bad person to politely say no, and not follow that with a detailed explanation about trauma.
How do you set boundaries?
It's okay to set boundaries and say, I'm not available right now. You're not a bad person to politely say no, and not follow that with a detailed explanation about trauma.
How do you set boundaries?
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Validation
Just got back from lots of errands. Now, almost time for dinner and then more posts. However, I still screen everything because weird stuff comes out of nowhere.
Almost two weeks now with little sleep at night. Maybe I should back to all-night radio?
Anger at times still comes up. One key reason? Many key people involved in my case will never be prosecuted. I can't file a criminal or civil case. The statute of limitations has run out. The Intl. Court of Justice in the Hague can't help (even though this case does involve criminal acts and torture).
What do I do now? I did nothing wrong. Others have to live with what they do and say (or didn't do and say).
Despite that, being a normal human being with normal emotions, you ask the questions. Where's my validation? Where's my sense of justice? I do exist. I didn't ask to be tortured and go thru years of horrible symptoms with no help (except from one therapist and 3 counselors). But I do deserve to be heard.
Almost two weeks now with little sleep at night. Maybe I should back to all-night radio?
Anger at times still comes up. One key reason? Many key people involved in my case will never be prosecuted. I can't file a criminal or civil case. The statute of limitations has run out. The Intl. Court of Justice in the Hague can't help (even though this case does involve criminal acts and torture).
What do I do now? I did nothing wrong. Others have to live with what they do and say (or didn't do and say).
Despite that, being a normal human being with normal emotions, you ask the questions. Where's my validation? Where's my sense of justice? I do exist. I didn't ask to be tortured and go thru years of horrible symptoms with no help (except from one therapist and 3 counselors). But I do deserve to be heard.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
A Question
Another night with almost no sleep. Then, how do I focus and feel like I have some energy and can function? I don't have any other physical illness. Just complex dissociative disorder.
Dissociating is still exhausting. I take breaks during the day, and when I do I just turn everything off. It takes an enormous amount of energy to do tiny things. Even if you stay off caffeine and sugar as best you can.
Constant symptoms also mess up your adrenal system. How long has my fight-or-flight response been stuck? For a long time. I've never had a symptom free day since I was raped.
Have you?
Dissociating is still exhausting. I take breaks during the day, and when I do I just turn everything off. It takes an enormous amount of energy to do tiny things. Even if you stay off caffeine and sugar as best you can.
Constant symptoms also mess up your adrenal system. How long has my fight-or-flight response been stuck? For a long time. I've never had a symptom free day since I was raped.
Have you?
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