How Do You Feel?

No sign yet of my test results. In the meantime, it's cover other bases and try to keep a sense of balance. Anger and other problems are still there, which means trying to protect both myself and others in potentially dangerous situations.

How's your balance?

Be As Healthy As You Can

Still waiting for my test results. In the meantime, stick to my holistic routine as best you can. Part of that right now is not the perfect diet, but as chemical free as possible.

One tip for the day. If someone tells you that natural sugar is different from refined, that's just corporate propaganda. Your body can't say, oh yes, that's refined C&H sugar, and that's agave from Whole Foods. It doesn't work like that.

Why then would you take that chance? Have fun on your birthday and holidays. But just be aware of the effects of things on you.

Healing from a Long Period of Abuse

Some good news about my test results. It turns out that the test results aren't completely done. I don't have Celiac's Disease. However, the autoimmune test isn't done yet. I'm told however that at this stage it's "abnormal", and my doctor will tell me more next month. In the meantime, I'm waiting for the test results to be able to get a second opinion.

As for backed up anger, I have moments where I want to kill everyone that gets in my way. I would never do that, of course. Having said that, the anger is still there. Overall, I'm trying to look at this as healing from a long period of vicious abuse overall.

Whatever my condition is, how long have I had it? Thinking back thru a history of symptoms, maybe ten to twenty years, and I didn't know exactly what it was. Now, I'm concentrating on healing. Not perfectionism. But a balance.

A Breakthrough(Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at Your Own Risk)

Every trauma survivor has their own history and things to struggle with. Some at times for whatever reasons do better than others. The point though is that you do your best to continue.

In my case, despite all of the horrible things that have happened, I still keep going. Now, I feel like there's a breakthrough.

My trauma history involves several things:

Being raped by three pedophiles (who will never be prosecuted).
Turning to many people in person, and 99% of them said it's your fault, piss off, you deal with it, and other damaging stuff.
Vicious abuse (physical, emotional and verbal).
Rampant racism.

Now, being a severaly traumitized little kid, this garbage doesn't help. For whatever reasons, I used to have the attitude of there's something wrong. I don't know what it is. But every time I try to say something I get abused. Which means the only safe thing to do is to turn away and silently scream so nobody else will be pissed off and scream at me.

It's taken me a long time to finally face that. And I'm embarassed to say that it did. I shouldn't be. At the moment though, I'm struggling with that.

Everybody has their good side and evil side. I'm not some racist, right wing gun carrying monster. Having said that, this means that if some weird thought comes to mind like I'm going to kill every m***********g n****r in this room, I won't do that. Also, the fact that that's there doesn't mean that I'm some horrible person. Instead, for a long time I've been terrified of my evil side. Which also means that anger doesn't get let out in a healthy way.

Not too long ago someone mentioned to me that he thought I should be nicer to myself. You're being too harsh on yourself and hurting your health. Now that my GP is saying that I have arthritis, the question comes to mind. In fighting to survive and not dealing with getting anger out, have I inadvertantly made myself sick?

As I go out right now, I see other people and many times the thought comes to mind I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna kill everybody in this room. I'm going to track down every asshole that treated me like s**t, beat them into the ground, stab them and smash them into a million f*****g pieces. Would I actually do that? No. On the other hand, I'm not going to penalize myself anymore for being a normal human being.

Thanks for reading.

Trying to Cope

Today time to kick back for a while. Yesterday was long and stressful. I've been trying for almost a month to get two test results back that might involve long term treatment. Nothing in the mail, nothing on line. No call from my primary GP.

Then I find out that they had a IT problem that wiped out current copies of patients records. Fortunately they had my backup, so no need to go back in and redo the tests. I found out two things. First, I tested negative for Celiac's Disease. Now I can go back if I want to to a normal diet that includes gluten. Second, I tested positive for rheumatoid arthritis (one type of autoimmune disease).

The clinic never notified me of the IT meltdown. My doctor never called me about my test results. And now, I still can't get copies of my test results to use to try and get a second opinion about the arthritis.

How's your day so far?

One of the hardest things to deal with right now is long term horrible abuse. Since long term stress can hurt your immune system, does this mean that fighting to survive against something that's not my fault has made me sick?

In the meantime, I'm still following my holistic health routine. Right now, focus on health first and getting thru more appointments. Then, go back to finding the new jobs. Prioritize, but multi-task.

Any comments?

Sorry to Be Away for a While

Thanks for the ongoing support while I've been busy this week. Time now to catch up on a lot of stuff.

Symptoms are still there. You try to focus on how you feel in the morning and have some sense of being awake and not just almost sleepwalking thru the day. I'm still dissociating about a hundred times a day. Being aware of tangible things around you can help somewhat. Then again, on those bad days when it doesn't, what then?

My therapist says that if your'e severely traumatized like I am (with no treatment for a long time as well), then it's scary but normal for a part of you to identify with your perpetrator(s). Having heard that, I'm still struggling with why would a normal person want anything to do with three serial pedophiles in any way? Raping innocent little kids. Having sex with animals. I'm not gay, bi-sexual or into pain, humiliation, bestiality or anything else.

Why then would you have sick thoughts like that?

On really bad days, it's a non-stop fight. Don't attack this person. Don't rape this little kid. Don't have sex with the dog walking by. You fight to keep some sense of focus, because you have to.

I'm not abnormal in any way. Yet this stuff happens. Why?

At times I just turn things off and sit. I try to pay attention to how I feel. You can't control other horrible people or all of the violent sick and other horrible stuff happening in the world. I can't handle my pain and everyone else's all at the same time.

Medication doesn't work because that's just a band aid. It doesn't help the core trauma. Why walk around in a daze and still fighting to not dissociate?

I still have nightmares, lucid dreams and flashback to when I was living overseas. It's like bits and pieces of sound and scenes that hit you. You have to fight really hard to keep some sense of being grounded. The severity of my symptoms is proportional to the underlying untreated trauma. Also, denial isn't an issue. It used to be. Not any more.

Other stuff causes more pain. At times it's like one horrible scene after another. You know something's wrong, and do your best to protect yourself. Yet, it doesn't stop. The pain of being raped is there. Nobody listens or helps. You fix it. Weakness isn't tolerated and other idiotic garbage is rampant.

Am I the only one who's not severly delusional and sees everything that's happening?

It's the Effects of Things on You

Greetings to our growing global audience. Recently, everywhere from Boston and Mountain View, CA. to Auckland and the People's Republic of Brooklyn, NY.

How's your emotional balance? In my case, not dissociating is one of the toughest things to deal with. All day long you feel like you're getting bombarded with pain. Dissociate and you get relief. However, that's not really true. It just makes things worse. Bits and pieces of sights and sounds hit you, and you scream and fight to not black out or feel like you have no sense of reality.

Do you feel like you're the only one who sees thru all of the delusion, lies and other garbage that's out in the world? As I keep going in trying to stay healthy, more realizations keep happening. As they do, you struggle to not feel totally bombarded with pain. Can you trust anyone? Is everyone lying to you?

You feel at times like you're going to snap and kill everyone who gets in the way. You have to focus really hard to keep some sense of balance. Not perfection, but balance.

Also found out that my victim compensation claim was denied. Now, I have 30 days to write a letter to ask for a second review. I'm also talking to a legal aid attorney to get some suggestions on this.

They're saying you're denied because of statute of limitations (the crimes occured before we started this compensation program). Therefore, legally they don't exist.

How would you respond to that?

Struggling to Not Dissociate

It is the weekend. Just got back with some nice kombucha, and now back to more writing.

I'm really struggling to not dissociate. I'm also trying to face the full reality of my trauma history. A long time of severe abuse, being raped, and getting help from almost no one in person. Do I have to cure myself?

It's like you fight to survive and feel eventually like there's some sense of clarity at times. Then, you feel like you came this close to being psychotic. Not being a therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist, I don't know all of the official dividing lines between various mental health problems. I'm not trying to torture myself. I'm just asking a question that so for no one has answered.

Despite everything that happens, I try to stick with I'm telling the truth. I feel like I'm the only one who sees all of the delusional behavior, denials and more happening around me. If other horrible people choose to be that way, that's their problem. However, I won't sink down to that severly disfunctional level. Why? Because you can't have a rational conversation with someone like that.

No matter how bad the pain gets, don't dissociate. Do something else that's positive.

Do you still screen all content to protect yourself? I have to. Many times I feel like I'm nine steps ahead of everyone else. I'm the only one who sees all of the pain, lies and sick stuff that's happening everywhere. I know I'm not the only one. Then again, that's a common feeling among trauma survivors.

Dissociating in my case is like doing a drug to escape pain. First you may think it will help. Then you realize that it only makes things worse.

What else makes things worse? Trying to cope with depression, fear and a feeling of abandonment. I did nothing wrong. I'm telling the truth.

Getting up in the morning is a mix of breakfast and then trying to focus and not dissociate. In the past I took tons of the wrong medication and felt like a zombie all day long. Now, I sit and try to pay attention to how I feel. You also get hit with flashbacks, adrenalin surges and occasional hallucinations. It's like you're whole system is getting bombarded with pain as you try to focus and have some sense of relief.

Does this happen to you?

As I go along with the job hunting, I do take time for my self care. That can range from going someplace for a snack to just unplugging and sitting on my balcony for a while. You have to protect yourself.

Keep in mind I'm not lying. Everything I talk about is true.That's all that matters.

Getting Assaulted

First, stay home and clean, wash clothes and other stuff that my personal assistant should be doing. Wait a minute. I still don't have one. Okay, I'll do it.

The longer I try to keep my system clean and stay off of chemicals, sugar, etc., the more scary realizations, sadness and feelings of abandonment come out. It's like watching bits and pieces of scenes, and you don't know what to do. Nobody seems to listen or care. You don't want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. Yet, nobody can be bothered to see what's right in front of them.

Every day it's endless abuse. You have to fight really hard every day to not give into this dissociative garbage. Nobody cares about you. Why don't you just shut the f**k up and die? Nobody will pay attention. And various other crap.

You know you don't want to off yourself. You don't want to get a gun and kill every one who treated you like dirt. You have to fight back, and then at the end of the day you feel like you can't do anything.

Another thing to deal with is the severity of your symptoms. As I go along and try to basically be as healthy as I can, more terrifying realizations come out. The viciousness of long term abuse. This fight to survive is a perfectly normal response. You're not "abnormal" in any way.

Can you trust anyone? I still have problems with taking people at face value in many situations. If I scream and black out, what happens then? Will one of my multiples lash out? How do I explain that later?

Mnay times during the day I feel empty and you just go thru the daily motions. As bad as the pain is at times, I really stick to saying don't dissociate. Do something else. Post here, go to a store, turn everything off and just sit and listen to how you feel. Even when I do that in the morning, you have to fight hard to not dissociate and feel assaulted.

Some days you just feel sad. Then again, what else can you do but keep going.

The current therapist is basically nice. However, at times sessions feel like a business meeting. I'm checking out other therapists if it's necessary to switch. Not yet.

After fighting symptoms all day, you feel like you have really severe MS. You can barely move and feel sore all over. On the other hand, this is a sign that my symptoms are still severe. Not that it's my fault. They just are.

Try to focus. No matter what, don't dissociate.

Do you not know where you are at times? It feels like you're this close to crossing a line and then having no control or idea of what's happening. Now, deal with that a hundred times a day.

It's not my fault.

Create Your Own Opportunities

Sounds like an Oprah infomercial? Not quite. Instead, it's something that many trauma survivors talk about. The necessity to protect yourself in everything from getting therapy that you need to actually finding people (therapists and others) that will take you seriously.

In my case, I've been laughed at, screamed at and blown off by everyone from former potential therapists, doctors and law enforcement people to FBI trauma specialists. If you deal with this for a long time like I have, the question then comes to mind. Do I have to cure myself as well? The rest of the world just can't be bothered to see ulgy reality, so just go away and YOU deal with it instead?

In my overall mix, I'm trying really hard to not give in and dissociate. That's one of the hardest things to recognize. The severity of symptoms and how you thought that dissociating will actually help you to escape pain. Instead, it does the opposite. Do you really want to literally disappear for a week and not know where you are? I don't.

Other symptoms are still there as well:

A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism
Blocked anger
Fighting hard to not literally snap in two and black out
Jump cuts of you saying I've had enough and seeing various ways to kill yourself.
I would never do that. But those images are there.
Abandonment. I feel like I've been abandoned my whole life. The "immediate family" are
people that you shared a house with for a while, and that's it.

Now, balance finding new jobs with therapy and getting off benefits. Not everyone, but many people are bullies who use money as a weapon to control others. What you think, feel and are concerned about means nothing to me. I can do and say any damn thing I please.

How do you have a rational conversation with someone like that?

You don't want to relapse and have lots of sugar again. If that happens, I feel like I have no control over my body. Everything is worse, and you don't know what to do. The usual "grounding techniques" many times don't work.

What do you do then?

As horrible as the pain is at times, don't dissociate. Do something else. As you try to stay clean, your symptoms get worse. This means that they're still that severe.

Why do these jump cuts of suicide and raping innocent little kids happen? Some mental health sources say that it's because your symptoms have been so severe and untreated for so long. Based on that, weird thoughts like this are bound to come out. You'll never act on any of them. But they're still there.

Pyschologically, that may seem like a reasonable answer. However, on a human level that still doesn't take away the concern and fear that you have. I'm not a sick monster. Why then would I have thoughts about raping little kids? So far, nobody's given me a clear answer to this. There's trying to be responsible for your healing. There's also not feeling at times like, do I have to cure myself as well?

Along with abandonment comes fear and sadness about not wanting to feel cheated out of liteally having any happiness at all in your life. Almost no one else can be bothered to pay attention to you and if nothing else on a human decency level at least acknowledge that you exist. Are others really afraid of even looking at you because if they do they'll get raped as well?

I've only been hugged by two people since I was raped who actually meant it when they said I'm sorry you were raped. How does that affect people long term? If you're in that position, how are you supposed to react? How could you not be wondering can I literally trust anyone else?

Sick twisted lucid dreams keep happening all the time. Grounding many times doesn't work. What now?

Feeling Rundown

It's Friday, and another battle to try and keep some sense of balance. I'm still sticking to my holistic-as-possible diet, and more trauma revelations keep coming out. Still haven't gotten my latest test results back yet. Just checking to see if I have any related illnesses due to long-term PTSD stress.

One of my biggest fears is to not end up like many others who are burned, out, cynical and have massive denial problems. I'm trying to protect myself, and others where necessary. My little kid feels sad because we've been abandoned since I got raped. You turn everywhere for help, and no one listens.

How does that affect someone?

Lots of Despair

Time to catch up. In the past few days, went to the job fair that was basically a waste of time. Many of the employers there (a small number) have lots of problems. One common one is being too cheap to have business cards. You're a major corporation or a startup that can rent office space downtown. Yet, you can't splurge on business cards? Weird.

Another appointment today, and a realization. I'll never have any support from the "immediate family". They're either manipulative, lying, delusional, or just want nothing to do with it. I can't control what other horrible people say and do. On the other hand, everything I'm saying is true, and that's all that matters.

Lots of despair and emptiness.

Lots of Emptiness

Drinking some tea as I write. Then, it's onto meditation for tonight, and a job fair tomorrow.

What's one of the hardest things right now? A sense of empiness. You wake up and try not to dissociate. Then, everything feels black. You try to reassure yourself that it'll be okay. But the emptiness is still there.

At times, I ask myself, am I the only one that sees all the hypocracy, delusional behavior and massive denial? Am I the only one that's not mentally ill when others who may say they're concerned about me can't be trusted? You don't want to feel like you can't trust anybody. You don't want to feel like a burned out, horrible monster because of being raped.

Then again, that feeling of everyone's lying is still there.

Graphic flashbacks of being raped happen. Body pain happens as well. As the sick lucid dreams happen you try to stay grounded and say, I'm not psychotic. I'm not abnormal. I'm not going to attack anyone.

You have to fight back all the time. You can't just sit and do nothing.

The fear of being raped and then feeling like garbage is still there. All of the sources that I trust say the same thing. None of this is abnormal. Your symptoms have been severe and untreated for so long that they have to come out.

Do you still fight off lucid dreams? How do you scream and not black out?

Lots to Do

Just enjoying some peace and quiet as I write and get ready for another full week. The next therapy appt. is coming, and that means lots of questions about the three serial pedophiles. It also means that nightmares are happening again. I'm lucky right now if I get maybe two hours of sleep at night.

Many mental health sources that I trust say the same thing. This is backed up trauma coming out. We still have to focus really hard to not give in, dissociate and then literally vanish. Every day, it's almost non-stop.

Despite that, we know that we're not psychologically damaged in any way from being raped. The long history of abuse is still rough to deal with. You almost have to fight to not give into abusive garbage and then black out from exhaustion. Yes, it's still that severe at times.

I'm also concerned about my health from long term stress. Lots of past illnesses I think are connected to this. Now, my long history of abuse (and drugs, junk food and more) are catching up to me.

More coming soon.

Focus and Protection

Staying in tonight with my tea and then onto mediation and Tai Chi. A lot of triggering stuff continues to come from all directions. You have to set boundaries and protect yourself.

Despair, abandonment and dissociating still happen as well. I (along with my little kid and multiple personalities) continue to struggle with lots of stuff. Can we trust anybody? Is everybody out to kill us? Will those scary people over there try to break in, rape us and then kill us? I try to reassure them that no, it'll be okay. You still at times have to fight your way out of a lucid dream. You stab and kill them before they kill you.

Now, deal with that all day long, work and everything else you have to do.

Do you feel like you can trust anyone, or not? I still don't feel safe around many people that I know. Did one of them rape me as well, and I just haven't faced that yet? I don't know.

I do know that none of this is abnormal in any way.

Not Much To Say

A sunny but sad Friday. You wake up and everything feels black. Then, you feel sad as you go thru the day.

Not much else to say, I'm afraid.

It's the Effects of Things on You

Some peace and quiet as I write this. Today it's a "no news unless we have to look at it" approach. There's too much triggering stuff out there, and nobody else will protect my overall well being.

Some mental health sources that I trust have been talking about tough periods in healing. Think of it as someone who becomes sober. You have at times rough periods where everything gets worse, and there's no sense of hope. In my case, symptoms get worse, and the urge to dissociate and black out as well.

Maybe that's one of the hardest things to deal with in having complex dissociative PTSD. Violently dissociating and literally passing out from exhaustion to try and not black out. The fear of what happens then? Will I know where I am when I wake up? What if I don't?

As you fight to not fall apart, it feels like a constant assault. You can't sit back and do nothing. You can't control what other horrible people do and say. What else can you do but fight back?

Grounding doesn't always work. What do you do then in a stressful situation?

Like any other trauma survivor, one thing you want is a sense of control. I'm not at the mercy of others for literally everything. Why? Because that's no way to live. You constantly have to say, don't dissociate. Do something else.

As you try to focus, is it possible that your body is so used to dissociating that it'll fight you to continue?

Adrenalin surges happen as well. It's like fighting to push past a barrier in front of you. Then, you have some sense of short-term relief. Then, it starts again.

Still looking for the new jobs. You have to thoroughly check people out, because there are a LOT of problems everywhere.

At the worst moments, it feels like endless pain. How do you get thru that?