Sorry to Be Away for a While

How's your weekend looking? Sorry to be gone for a few days. I was so exhausted that it was two days of go out if necessary. Then, go back home and rest. Now, some nice decaf tea with lemon.

As for the other violently triggering garbage happening in the world, protect yourself as best you can. These days, I need a break after 30 seconds or so. Even with listening to tunes, at times it's too much stimulus. You need a break from it.

I used to have lots of destructive stuff to hide behind. I thought it would protect us from pain. But, it only made it worse. Now, we still struggle with denial. But it's not as severe as it used to be.

That doesn't mean that you don't have bad days when you're bombarded with pain and flashbacks. Also, thoughts:

How come we didn't fight back?
How come we didn't kill all three of the psycho rapists?
Why did we freeze?
How come we can't get victim compensation? These crimes don't "officially exist". Therefore, you're ineligible.
How come it feels like nobody wants anything to do with us? Not everybody's evil. So why does it still feel that way?

At times, you really struggle to try and find something good in all of your trauma history. We have no desire to hurt ourselves or anybody else. But those thoughts of what if we weren't here? Would anybody care still happen.

On bad days, you struggle to not literally feel like you're disappearing from the pain. Every day, non stop abuse. Nobody will listen to you or help you. You're telling the truth. But nobody's doing anything.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But thoughts about getting a gun and killing everyone who treated you like shit are there. Threatening to kill the psycho rapists that got away with their crimes. You wouldn't kill them. But you just want to see a split second of terror in their eyes. Maybe that might come remotely close to what you're dealing with.

Do you still have pain every day? In my case, it's also heart disease (circulation pain). One minute you feel like you have some energy. Then, nothing.

You try deep breathing and other ways to feel grounded. But many times they don't work. What do you do then?

Anal pain. Circulation pain. Chest pain. I've tried some pain killers, but they didn't help. Now, I've asked one of my doctors about different herbs instead. We'll see what she says.

You can't control what others say and do. But your well being comes first. Then, save the world.