Protect Yourself

Lots of fighting to not dissociate and to protect yourself. We don't carry a knife in our bag when we go out. But we do carry mace.

You scream and have to fight back. At the end of the day, you can barely move. But what else can you do?

Exhaustion

Trying to get thru the day and struggling with symptoms. Especially exhaustion. I finally had my cortisol test. Hopefully soon I can have my doctor explain the results.

In the meantime, fighting hard to not dissociate and black out.

Struggling With Exhaustion

Almost no sleep at night. Nightmares and body pain still happen. Then, it's a struggle to focus and get thru the day.

I'm not avoiding you. I'm just struggling to try and cope.

Trying to Keep Some Sense of Balance

Some errands today, and then trying to focus on keeping some sense of being grounded. A part of it is your p/h balance. If you can keep that okay, then the symptoms sometimes are a bit easier to handle.

More tests this week to find out more about diabetes.

Away for a While

Sorry to be away for a while. The past few days have been exhausting in trying to keep some sense of being grounded. Not always, but at times you struggle to focus on what's real (instead of what's not). No, there's nobody there. I'm sitting on my bed. I feel the texture of the quilt beneath me. There's nobody over in the corner. I could dissociate and have someone over there. But I  don't want that. I want real people. Not images on a screen. I don't want to go back to unchecked violent dissociating.

Every day you have to fight to not fall back in patterns of abuse. Every day you got hammered with abuse. There was no escape. Nobody helped. You have to fight back. Does anybody care? You never get a break.  Either you fight back to maintain some sense of normalcy and sanity. Or you fall apart.

Does it feel like the world's gone insane? It's not my responsibility to single handedly save the world. If I could, that's great. But I can't. Instead, you feel like you're about six steps ahead of everybody else. It feels like the quality of many things keeps going downhill. So you do your best to see that and fight to keep some sense of sanity.

You don't want to fall apart. You have to fight back. Every day. Because you don't have a choice.

Trying for More Stability

A scary day yesterday. Had a big slip in dissociating and for a while, I didn't know where I was. What time was it? None of that mattered. Just escape from the pain that never goes away. But then, we finally fought back and found our point to fight back from. You have to reassure yourself over and over that you're not psychotic. You're not insane. You're not a danger to anybody. You're fighting to keep some control over your life as best you can.

Today, a little more stability. You still have crushing despair and abandonment when you have brief moments of clarity. But you try to remind yourself that we did nothing wrong. Trauma  has to come out. If not in one way, it comes out in others. Also, it's NOT being a professional patient (whatever that means). It's doing important work.

Protect yourself as best you can.

Try to Protect Yourself

Lots of triggering stuff out there. Screen everything and protect yourself as best you can. We still struggle with dissociating and other symptoms. When moments of clarity happen, despair and abandonment also happen as well.

It's like you have to look really hard to find something positive. 99.999% of it is horrible pain. You used to have lots of destructive stuff to hide behind. Now you don't. Which means that it has to come out in some way.

Sometimes we feel paralyzed. We just sit and rock back and forth to try to and feel safe. We did nothing wrong. But nobody helped us. Can we trust anybody? We don't want to fall into a trap of being burned out and angry.

We just want to feel safe.