It's Your Security at Risk (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

One rule that we have here? Never intentionally trigger anyone. However, for our new readers, the whole point here is to talk about how rough daily survival for trauma survivors can be. If you want nice and neat govt. studies, please go elsewhere.

Having said that, a question. How do you make yourself heard when it seems like the rest of the world just wants you to go away? You didn't ask to be raped. Despite that, you're the other persons' worst nightmare. Just shut up and go away. How many times has it seemed like someone was trying to be nice, but really wanted you to just disappear?

How do you react? If they say you need to get help but then piss off, what then?

You can't have it both ways.

We could list all kinds of examples. Sandusky and Penn State. Savile and the BBC. In both cases, apparently money and power were way more important than doing the obvious right thing. My job is more important. If I say anything, this powerful person (WHO IS GOD, by the way) can destroy me. At Penn State, many students were actually asking how will this scandal affect my getting a great job and salary?

There's no apparent concern at all. No empathy, no apparent effort to realize that the obvious thing to do in these cases is to tell someone. Just close your eyes and it'll magically go away.

A silly question, but we'll ask it anyway. Are any of these valid legal defenses in these cases if you're tried for endangering innocent kids?:

I didn't know.
I didn't want to know.
I was afraid for my job.
Everybody's doing it. Everybody knew. If you said anything, you were out.
Almost all of the witnesses are women. That alone makes this case suspect. (An actual comment from BBC management).
It was the world's worst kept open secret in London.

In all of this, no effort to try and use this to explain about what the survivors go thru, usually for years afterwards. Why? Because it doesn't fit into a nice neat soundbite. If you can't do that, sorry mate. You're out of luck.

Just in my experience, not all but many people who at first appear to be listening really just want you to go away. That doesn't mean they're sick and evil people. They just don't like having their worst nightmare right in front of them.

The answer? Out of sight and out of mind.

Just like anyone else, trauma survivors deserve to be heard. We're not a commodity to be manipulated for profit. If a celebrity says they're a rape survivor, they get instant coverage. If I go public, I could be sacked for having PTSD (a "pre-existing condition"). Just because of something that's not my fault. Something that I've been fighting every single day to literally survive and not off myself.

3 out of ten people in the States have some form of PTSD. Yet, just like climate change, Obama doesn't believe that these are national emergencies that affect the security of the public. Is everything scheduled until after the election?

You Have to Protect Yourself

Some time to focus before it's back to covering bases.

At times, you almost feel like you're going to black out as you try to focus. You don't know where you are, and grounding doesn't work. You scream and fight the urge to either throw stuff thru the window, or jump out of the window. You can't stit back and do nothing. Keep in mind it's fight all of this stuff, and do everything else you have to.

Do you still have trapped body memory? Does every other person feel like a threat? We go someplace, and at the intersection it feels like downtown Kabul. Can you trust anyone? Is everyone you see around you a homicidal rapist who's going to attack and then kill you? You have to protect yourself. In a store, is anyplace or anyone NOT a threat?

When we have to, we turn everything off and just go for a walk. Sit on the balcony and look at the skyline. Screen everything. We still feel like we're about five steps ahead of the rest of the world. Am I the only one who sees this? It's like seeing the next plot twist in a movie ten minutes before it happens. Why did I pay to see this?

Protect yourself at all costs.

2 Days in October/5 in November (Contains potentially triggering progressive content. Read at your own risk)

Since this is a global blog, it's kind of silly to say how is your Tuesday. Instead, how's your time zone? No matter what, stay safe.

Here, its more of covering bases and trying to keep stress down. Take things in 5 second splits. How do we go from here to the kitchen? How do we go from the front door to the car without blacking out? Flashbacks and fighting to not black out still happen.

Another thing that happens? Do you feel like the world is listening to you? Right now, lots of people are saying I'm there for you. Vote for me and ______ will happen. Unless of course The Other Side says no. In which case I can then spin this to my advantage and say it's THEIR fault.

Is it all matter of who has the most money and power? Not completely.

Why? Because another part of this is self respect. One of our mantras at the moment is we have value. We matter. We're telling the truth about being raped and trying to heal from something that's not our fault. We're not a commodity to be manipulated by the Powers that Be to make them richer and more powerful than they already are.

I have nightmares and PTSD symptoms. I have bad days where I cry and feel paralyzed. Is anyone listening? Yet, I refuse to give them the satisfaction by just rolling over and doing nothing.

Like the Powers that Be say, nobody's making you read/listen to/watch this. If you don't like it, turn it off. Okay, I will.  Why torture yourself with triggering stuff? If someone else likes it, that's their business. Go somewhere else and see what happens.

Stay Safe

It must be Monday. Stay safe wherever you are in the world.

Here, we took a break for a while to try and focus and deal with symptoms and other stress. Diet's definately a part of it, and we're still trying to stick to our holistic approach. Despite the good stuff, we still have despair and at times just sit and don't know what to do.

Flashbacks and feeling abandoned still happen. Do you feel like you're being bombarded with stress? We sitll scream and fight to not black out. Because we have no choice. What kind of long term effects does that have on you?

How Do You Not Snap (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)?

Staying in tonight after a long week. Some tea and keeping the noise down as low as possible. We feel like we've been assaulted with symptoms, and just want some quiet. 30 seconds of no dissociating. Just quiet and focus.

For a long time, it's felt like dissociating was 24/7. The reason was for your system to protect itself. Which means it can't change overnight. We understand that. Then again, it feels like a boom box is on 24/7, and you can't turn it off. You scream and fight to not black out, and nobody listens. Or, apparently cares.

You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to be careful so you don't snap and attack somebody else. This doesn't mean perfect bliss. Just a positive balance.

On really bad days, you feel like you literally can't go back to a positive moment. The second you think you found something good, you instantly get hit by millions of flashbacks. What do you do then?

We still cry when we go to sleep at night (or try to). We still feel safer by keeping a weapon at the foot of our bed. Other times, we keep the mobile there are well. Can you trust everyone? Do you feel like you can't even trust some people that you know? We do.

Does this mean that they raped us, and we just never dealt with it? I don't know.

We cover bases and try to create as many options as possible. Despite that, it takes an enormous amount of energy. At the end of the night, you're totally wiped out.

What do you do then?

We scream and try not to literally snap. Did we permenantly damage something in our system? For a long time we poisoned outselves with tons of junk (food, not heroin). Does that mean that now we're starting to heal because we have no tolerance for that anymore?

Have you ever snapped? Do you carry a weapon to protect yourself? Do you have to fight the urge to kill everyone around you? We do.

Do you feel like you're about two weeks ahead of the rest of the world? Our intution is sharp, and we feel like we're picking up on a lot. It's like you see everything that's happening all at once, and nobody else does. We try to use it in a good way.

Do you feel like you're getting eaten alive by anger? Are you burned out or close to being burned out? If yes, how do you deal with this?

At times, we're scared. Is anybody paying attention?

A Big Mix (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

The good news? Practically no sugar at all today. We almost gave in at the store and got a giant bag of chips, a giant bottle of tea and salsa. Then we caught ourselves and thought, do we want to risk blacking out from horrible tremors? No. Which means just some tea as we write this.

Is it just sugar, or all chemicals? We've heard of some people who are allergic to a huge list of chemicals and food additives. I don't think it's that in this case. However, it feels like we have no tolerance at all. At times we're scared. Did we have too much of something that's going to mess up our sugar balance? Lots of reputable sources say that alcoholics who have PTSD are also hypoglycemic (which apply in our case).

Flashbacks and anger are still happening. Not always, but at times we're scared. Are we going to snap and attack somebody? It's like you're this close to snapping, and all of the grounding techniques that you always hear about don't help.

What do you do then?

We're also struggling with abandonment. We try to focus and move forward as positively as possible. Despite that, you still feel abandoned. Every day has felt like torture for a long time.

Does anybody care?
Does anybody care if I'm alive?
Why do they insult me by saying that not acting when a little kid is raped isn't abandonment when they know it is?
Is it because they want me to just shut up and go away?
Is it because I'm their worst nightmare?
Is it because out-of-sight-and-out-of-mind is so much easier to deal with?

You can't have it both ways. You care and piss off? No, it doesn't work like that.

We don't want to hurt either ourselves or anyone else. On really bad days, we have to plan everything out. What's our escape plan? What happens so we don't snap?

The tiniest amount of stimulants is a violent trigger. We don't want to feel cheated. We don't want to feel robbed. We don't want to say fuck this and kill ourselves. We wouldn't do that.

We just want to not always feel like we're being assaulted.

How Much is Too Much?

Day 4 now in our stay away from stimulants diet. The emptiness is still there. At times you just shut everything off and go for a walk. Or, just sit and listen to ambient noise.

We still set boundaries. We're still trusting our intution and staying away from triggering stuff. Having said that, the despair is still there. Not to the point of wanting to hurt yourself or someone else. It's there.

We feel like we have to always be careful in our diet. The tiniest amount of sugar sets off violent symptoms. How much is too much? What's the cutoff point? Can you cut out all sugar in your diet?  So far, we're almost down to nothing.

We just want to feel like we have control over our life.