Always nice, but not always easy to find. Another day of fighting symptoms and dissociating. Sometimes you think you can have moments of clarity. Then despair and abandonment hit you all at once. What do you do then?
No noise right now. Everything on TV is way too triggering. The neighbors are quiet. No CD cuts, nothing. Just quiet. But then, flashbacks and dissociating can happen. Is it because my multiples think dissociating protects you from scary quiet? I'm not sure. But I do try to reassure them that it's my job to protect us. And nobody will attack us.
Let's see what happens.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Don't Dissociate
Have a nice Easter? The past few days have been a real battle to not dissociate. If I don't have to go anywhere, sometimes I stay home all day and try to stay grounded. This can mean walking around and actually feeling space around me to make sure that nobody is there.
Nobody's in the corner.
Nobody's hiding in the bathroom.
Nobody's hiding in the closet.
Nobody's hiding under the bed.
Nobody's hiding under the covers waiting to attack and kill me.
You could dissociate and disappear. But we don't want to feel scared like that.
You have to walk around and actually check to make sure. Flashbacks to horrible dissociating still happen. What's real and what isn't. You didn't ask for these problems. You didn't ask for non stop pain every single day. I don't know what it's like to have one day with no symptoms. No trauma pain? What's that?
Do you have abuse flashbacks? I know you can't control other horrible people and what they say and do. But you can set boundaries as best you can. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.
You scream and fight back because you don't want to fall apart.
Nobody else will help you. Does that mean that you can't trust anybody?
You walk around and try to use the space that you're in to protect yourself. What do things feel like? Are they hot or cold? Are they smooth or rough?
Nobody's there.
Nobody else in the room.
Nobody's going to break in and kill us.
We don't want to hurt anybody else.
We have no death wish.
We just want to feel safe in our own home.
Do you still have psychotic images? Do you see monsters or some other horrible thing trying to attack and kill you? Even with cleaning up our diet, we still struggle at times with these.
We're not a threat to anybody. Sometimes we have fleeting thoughts about killing everyone who raped us and treated us like shit. But we know that won't solve anything. Instead, realize that as scary as that is, it's normal that those thoughts are there.
We just want to feel safe.
Nobody's in the corner.
Nobody's hiding in the bathroom.
Nobody's hiding in the closet.
Nobody's hiding under the bed.
Nobody's hiding under the covers waiting to attack and kill me.
You could dissociate and disappear. But we don't want to feel scared like that.
You have to walk around and actually check to make sure. Flashbacks to horrible dissociating still happen. What's real and what isn't. You didn't ask for these problems. You didn't ask for non stop pain every single day. I don't know what it's like to have one day with no symptoms. No trauma pain? What's that?
Do you have abuse flashbacks? I know you can't control other horrible people and what they say and do. But you can set boundaries as best you can. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.
You scream and fight back because you don't want to fall apart.
Nobody else will help you. Does that mean that you can't trust anybody?
You walk around and try to use the space that you're in to protect yourself. What do things feel like? Are they hot or cold? Are they smooth or rough?
Nobody's there.
Nobody else in the room.
Nobody's going to break in and kill us.
We don't want to hurt anybody else.
We have no death wish.
We just want to feel safe in our own home.
Do you still have psychotic images? Do you see monsters or some other horrible thing trying to attack and kill you? Even with cleaning up our diet, we still struggle at times with these.
We're not a threat to anybody. Sometimes we have fleeting thoughts about killing everyone who raped us and treated us like shit. But we know that won't solve anything. Instead, realize that as scary as that is, it's normal that those thoughts are there.
We just want to feel safe.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Symptoms and More
Another appointment and lots of fighting symptoms. But the psychiatrist was helpful as symptoms are a constant battle.
Don't dissociate. Do something else.
Don't dissociate. Do something else.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Fight All Day
Fight symptoms all day long. Lots of screaming as we fight to not dissociate. Then, exhaustion.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Exhaustion
Fighting symptoms all day. By the end of the night, I can barely move. What else can you do?
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Battling Symptoms
Lots of struggle right now with symptoms and exhaustion. You scream and fight to not dissociate and fall apart. You get hit with body pain and severe body memory. You're freezing and struggling to stay warm. Even though it's a warm day.
You don't have a choice. You have to fight back. But you also keep in mind that it has to come out. If not in one way in lots of other bad ways.
You're not abnormal in any way.
You don't have a choice. You have to fight back. But you also keep in mind that it has to come out. If not in one way in lots of other bad ways.
You're not abnormal in any way.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Symptoms and More
Another doctor appointment today. Now I can hear again! Tonight, stay home and do some stuff online as I watch a good NBA game.
How's your battle with symptoms? It's not our fault. But you gave to fight back.
How's your battle with symptoms? It's not our fault. But you gave to fight back.
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