Back to Appointments

More appointments and symptoms to deal with. I see my cardiologist next week. But now I've gone back to exercising unless I have no energy or chest pain. If I don't, I'm worried that my heart function will go back down to 15%. Also, it helps to a certain degree with some PTSD symptoms. They're still there. But what else can you do?

Lots of anger and struggling to not black out.

A Break? Not Really

Sorry to be away for a while. The past few days have been totally exhausting, which made it extremely tough to do even the smallest things. Yesterday, one of the nephews graduated from high school. It was extremely tough to try  and not black out in a crowded place.

Now, we're really trying to pay attention to small things in how you feel. Lots of salt, sugar and acidic foods? You feel miserable. You try hard to not snap and black out from dissociating and anger. You have to set boundaries and try to protect yourself.

How do you deal with being bombarded with pain? On bad days we can barely move. Literally everything hurts. On the other hand, you can't sit back and do nothing.

You have to protect yourself.

Pay Attention to How You Feel

Instead of just blowing something off, pay attention to how you feel. Because of my heart disease, I can't handle big meals, lots of salt and sugar anymore. Also, it's draining fighting all of these symptoms. Which means trying to protect yourself.

Your health is both physical and mental.

Dissociating, Depression and More

The symptoms are still there. Also, constantly battling to not dissociate. It's like as you do, the reality of how violent and severe dissociating has been. You have to protect yourself. No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else.

You don't have a choice. You have to fight back to keep some sense of balance. You're getting bombarded with pain, and you can't just sit back and do nothing.

Don't dissociate. It only makes pain worse, and not easier.

It's not your fault.

You did nothing wrong.

You can't control what other horrible people say and do.

You almost feel paralyzed with despair. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

You have to protect yourself.

Sadness

Last night, the two nieces graduated from high school. Next Sunday, one of the nephews does as well. Along with this come a million different emotions, flashbacks and more all at the same time. Today there's lots of sadness and feeling empty. Nobody helped me when I went thru my graduations. Imagine almost no noise at all as you walk up to get your diploma. You want to find and hold onto moments of happiness. But it's really hard to do when you've felt abandoned for so long.

Can I trust anybody? On the other hand, I'm trying to protect my well being. We just want to feel safe.

Don't Dissociate

While I'm on various benefits  to help me try to keep control over my life, I've been trying to find a cheaper place to live. That way I could qualify for a higher disability rate and cover all of my bills. Now it turns out the wait for public housing in this area is eighteen months to two years. Also, no long term assistance with rent and utilities.

Right now, I have no other place to go. This means keep trying to save as much money as possible. It's a horrible position to be in having no money and at the mercy of somebody else.

I can't just sit and listen or watch something non stop. I can only handle roughly thirty seconds before I need a break. It's too much stimulus to handle.

We just want to protect ourselves.

Paralysis

Today's one of those turn-everything-off days. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You turn off all the noise, and try to feel safe in your own home.

But the despair is still there.

It's not the normal ups and downs of everyday life. You sit, and you feel like you can barely move. What do you do? You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. So you just sit.

It takes an enormous amount of energy to do small things. Then after each one, you sit down again and almost feel stuck. What then?

Last night was a real struggle to not dissociate. Today, at times you have moments of clarity. Then, despair. On the other hand, you don't have destructive things to hide behind anymore.

What's next?