It's Friday, and another battle to try and keep some sense of balance. I'm still sticking to my holistic-as-possible diet, and more trauma revelations keep coming out. Still haven't gotten my latest test results back yet. Just checking to see if I have any related illnesses due to long-term PTSD stress.
One of my biggest fears is to not end up like many others who are burned, out, cynical and have massive denial problems. I'm trying to protect myself, and others where necessary. My little kid feels sad because we've been abandoned since I got raped. You turn everywhere for help, and no one listens.
How does that affect someone?
Friday, August 9, 2013
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Lots of Despair
Time to catch up. In the past few days, went to the job fair that was basically a waste of time. Many of the employers there (a small number) have lots of problems. One common one is being too cheap to have business cards. You're a major corporation or a startup that can rent office space downtown. Yet, you can't splurge on business cards? Weird.
Another appointment today, and a realization. I'll never have any support from the "immediate family". They're either manipulative, lying, delusional, or just want nothing to do with it. I can't control what other horrible people say and do. On the other hand, everything I'm saying is true, and that's all that matters.
Lots of despair and emptiness.
Another appointment today, and a realization. I'll never have any support from the "immediate family". They're either manipulative, lying, delusional, or just want nothing to do with it. I can't control what other horrible people say and do. On the other hand, everything I'm saying is true, and that's all that matters.
Lots of despair and emptiness.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Lots of Emptiness
Drinking some tea as I write. Then, it's onto meditation for tonight, and a job fair tomorrow.
What's one of the hardest things right now? A sense of empiness. You wake up and try not to dissociate. Then, everything feels black. You try to reassure yourself that it'll be okay. But the emptiness is still there.
At times, I ask myself, am I the only one that sees all the hypocracy, delusional behavior and massive denial? Am I the only one that's not mentally ill when others who may say they're concerned about me can't be trusted? You don't want to feel like you can't trust anybody. You don't want to feel like a burned out, horrible monster because of being raped.
Then again, that feeling of everyone's lying is still there.
Graphic flashbacks of being raped happen. Body pain happens as well. As the sick lucid dreams happen you try to stay grounded and say, I'm not psychotic. I'm not abnormal. I'm not going to attack anyone.
You have to fight back all the time. You can't just sit and do nothing.
The fear of being raped and then feeling like garbage is still there. All of the sources that I trust say the same thing. None of this is abnormal. Your symptoms have been severe and untreated for so long that they have to come out.
Do you still fight off lucid dreams? How do you scream and not black out?
What's one of the hardest things right now? A sense of empiness. You wake up and try not to dissociate. Then, everything feels black. You try to reassure yourself that it'll be okay. But the emptiness is still there.
At times, I ask myself, am I the only one that sees all the hypocracy, delusional behavior and massive denial? Am I the only one that's not mentally ill when others who may say they're concerned about me can't be trusted? You don't want to feel like you can't trust anybody. You don't want to feel like a burned out, horrible monster because of being raped.
Then again, that feeling of everyone's lying is still there.
Graphic flashbacks of being raped happen. Body pain happens as well. As the sick lucid dreams happen you try to stay grounded and say, I'm not psychotic. I'm not abnormal. I'm not going to attack anyone.
You have to fight back all the time. You can't just sit and do nothing.
The fear of being raped and then feeling like garbage is still there. All of the sources that I trust say the same thing. None of this is abnormal. Your symptoms have been severe and untreated for so long that they have to come out.
Do you still fight off lucid dreams? How do you scream and not black out?
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Lots to Do
Just enjoying some peace and quiet as I write and get ready for another full week. The next therapy appt. is coming, and that means lots of questions about the three serial pedophiles. It also means that nightmares are happening again. I'm lucky right now if I get maybe two hours of sleep at night.
Many mental health sources that I trust say the same thing. This is backed up trauma coming out. We still have to focus really hard to not give in, dissociate and then literally vanish. Every day, it's almost non-stop.
Despite that, we know that we're not psychologically damaged in any way from being raped. The long history of abuse is still rough to deal with. You almost have to fight to not give into abusive garbage and then black out from exhaustion. Yes, it's still that severe at times.
I'm also concerned about my health from long term stress. Lots of past illnesses I think are connected to this. Now, my long history of abuse (and drugs, junk food and more) are catching up to me.
More coming soon.
Many mental health sources that I trust say the same thing. This is backed up trauma coming out. We still have to focus really hard to not give in, dissociate and then literally vanish. Every day, it's almost non-stop.
Despite that, we know that we're not psychologically damaged in any way from being raped. The long history of abuse is still rough to deal with. You almost have to fight to not give into abusive garbage and then black out from exhaustion. Yes, it's still that severe at times.
I'm also concerned about my health from long term stress. Lots of past illnesses I think are connected to this. Now, my long history of abuse (and drugs, junk food and more) are catching up to me.
More coming soon.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Focus and Protection
Staying in tonight with my tea and then onto mediation and Tai Chi. A lot of triggering stuff continues to come from all directions. You have to set boundaries and protect yourself.
Despair, abandonment and dissociating still happen as well. I (along with my little kid and multiple personalities) continue to struggle with lots of stuff. Can we trust anybody? Is everybody out to kill us? Will those scary people over there try to break in, rape us and then kill us? I try to reassure them that no, it'll be okay. You still at times have to fight your way out of a lucid dream. You stab and kill them before they kill you.
Now, deal with that all day long, work and everything else you have to do.
Do you feel like you can trust anyone, or not? I still don't feel safe around many people that I know. Did one of them rape me as well, and I just haven't faced that yet? I don't know.
I do know that none of this is abnormal in any way.
Despair, abandonment and dissociating still happen as well. I (along with my little kid and multiple personalities) continue to struggle with lots of stuff. Can we trust anybody? Is everybody out to kill us? Will those scary people over there try to break in, rape us and then kill us? I try to reassure them that no, it'll be okay. You still at times have to fight your way out of a lucid dream. You stab and kill them before they kill you.
Now, deal with that all day long, work and everything else you have to do.
Do you feel like you can trust anyone, or not? I still don't feel safe around many people that I know. Did one of them rape me as well, and I just haven't faced that yet? I don't know.
I do know that none of this is abnormal in any way.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Not Much To Say
A sunny but sad Friday. You wake up and everything feels black. Then, you feel sad as you go thru the day.
Not much else to say, I'm afraid.
Not much else to say, I'm afraid.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
It's the Effects of Things on You
Some peace and quiet as I write this. Today it's a "no news unless we have to look at it" approach. There's too much triggering stuff out there, and nobody else will protect my overall well being.
Some mental health sources that I trust have been talking about tough periods in healing. Think of it as someone who becomes sober. You have at times rough periods where everything gets worse, and there's no sense of hope. In my case, symptoms get worse, and the urge to dissociate and black out as well.
Maybe that's one of the hardest things to deal with in having complex dissociative PTSD. Violently dissociating and literally passing out from exhaustion to try and not black out. The fear of what happens then? Will I know where I am when I wake up? What if I don't?
As you fight to not fall apart, it feels like a constant assault. You can't sit back and do nothing. You can't control what other horrible people do and say. What else can you do but fight back?
Grounding doesn't always work. What do you do then in a stressful situation?
Like any other trauma survivor, one thing you want is a sense of control. I'm not at the mercy of others for literally everything. Why? Because that's no way to live. You constantly have to say, don't dissociate. Do something else.
As you try to focus, is it possible that your body is so used to dissociating that it'll fight you to continue?
Adrenalin surges happen as well. It's like fighting to push past a barrier in front of you. Then, you have some sense of short-term relief. Then, it starts again.
Still looking for the new jobs. You have to thoroughly check people out, because there are a LOT of problems everywhere.
At the worst moments, it feels like endless pain. How do you get thru that?
Some mental health sources that I trust have been talking about tough periods in healing. Think of it as someone who becomes sober. You have at times rough periods where everything gets worse, and there's no sense of hope. In my case, symptoms get worse, and the urge to dissociate and black out as well.
Maybe that's one of the hardest things to deal with in having complex dissociative PTSD. Violently dissociating and literally passing out from exhaustion to try and not black out. The fear of what happens then? Will I know where I am when I wake up? What if I don't?
As you fight to not fall apart, it feels like a constant assault. You can't sit back and do nothing. You can't control what other horrible people do and say. What else can you do but fight back?
Grounding doesn't always work. What do you do then in a stressful situation?
Like any other trauma survivor, one thing you want is a sense of control. I'm not at the mercy of others for literally everything. Why? Because that's no way to live. You constantly have to say, don't dissociate. Do something else.
As you try to focus, is it possible that your body is so used to dissociating that it'll fight you to continue?
Adrenalin surges happen as well. It's like fighting to push past a barrier in front of you. Then, you have some sense of short-term relief. Then, it starts again.
Still looking for the new jobs. You have to thoroughly check people out, because there are a LOT of problems everywhere.
At the worst moments, it feels like endless pain. How do you get thru that?
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