Balance

You try to not go to sleep being wired from watching too much TV. No late night snacks, caffeine or sugar rushes or dissociating. Despite that the nightmares still happen. There's never a set pattern to them. But at times you suddenly open your eyes and wonder. Am I dissociating? What's real and what isn't?

When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I can't remember. Usually you try to fall asleep and then wake up every hour. Then by 3 or 4 a.m., you might get one hour of sleep. Many times no. Which means you might go for two or three days before you just collapse from exhaustion. This puts more stress on you for salt and sugar to help stimulate your system. When in fact it does just the opposite.

Is there a cure for PTSD? No there isn't. It's like having any other incurable health problem in the sense of you do your best. But the pain is always there. Triggering things are always there. Let your guard down for a second at the wrong time and some people kill themselves. Why? There's a difference between logically saying suicide is bad and wanting to instantly end pain. I would never do that. But at times though you feel like you're one step short of that.

What's the answer? One thing is to face your trauma history head on as best you can. Denial used to be a massive problem. I still have bad days with it. But now I can admit that I'm a rape survivor, and that I did nothing wrong. But the pain is always there.

Some days I just want quiet. No noise. No being bombarded with pain. No having to feel like it's my responsibility to get rid of Trump and save the world. Actually it's not. I have my avenues online to speak out. Occasionally, something else opens up in media. In the past I would almost always say yes to potential interviews. Now almost always I say no. UNLESS everything about it is positive and it could help somebody. While I'm not a nationally or internationally known name, I have worked in various parts of media (both on air and behind the scenes). So I understand how people can be manipulated for the sake of ratings. I mean, we ARE running a business here.

Why do people say and do horrible things? I'm not sure. But I do know that nobody forces them to do that. Which means they deal with the consequences of their behavior. There's a long history of horrible abuse in my "immediate" family. Someday when the parents die, if I feel confused and a sense of relief along with sadness am I bad person? I asked my psychiatrist once about this. Her response was no. There's no law that says when someone dies you must say and do certain things. Society may dictate certain behaviors. But you don't have to follow those.

How do you deal with your pain and flashbacks? Sometimes when I have moments of clarity I also feel paralyzed. I don't know what to do. Usually I just sit quietly and say I want to feel safe. I want to feel safe in my own home. I don't want to be bombarded with pain.

Protect yourself.