Symptoms and Exhaustion

More nightmares and no sleep. This means struggling all day to try and not  black out. It feels like you never get a break from symptoms or pain. Does this mean taking more anti depressants? I hope not.

You just want to protect yourself.

Lots of Pain

Still have symptoms and lots of pain. I also have extra pain and PTSD meds. But the pain is still there. You have to fight back.

Symptoms, Torture and More (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

I had a lot of destructive things to hide behind in the past. Now, I don't. Which means that trauma has to come out.

At times you feel really abandoned. Torture flashbacks happen, and you have to fight hard to keep some sense of reality. There's constant body pain (in addition to chest pain from cardiomyopathy). I'm taking some new meds which hopefully won't turn into addictions.

But the pain is still there. At times you feel paralyzed, and just turn everything off and protect yourself.  Nobody else is at home right now. Despite that, that doesn't stop nightmares and paranoid thoughts.

I'm not insane. I'm not a sociopath. I'm not a threat to anybody. If I have thoughts about torturing, raping and killing little kids, I leave the room where they are. You have to do the responsible thing.

I'm just trying to face my trauma history without endangering myself.

Lots of Pain

Fighting symptoms. Fighting body pain. Fighting body memory. Everything has to be done in stages. Otherwise you have no energy.

Don't dissociate.

A Constant Battle

More non-stop fighting of symptoms, and trying to not black out. Do something else. Violent dissociating won't work. I hope this doesn't mean getting addicted to anti depressants again.

Screen everything, and protect yourself.

Symptoms

Nightmares and other symptoms are still happening. You wake up in the middle of the night, and then have to turn on all the lights and check to make sure no one else is there. I'm taking one SSRI anti-depressant. Do I really need more? I don't want to take them.

It's a constant battle to not dissociate. You feel abandoned and don't know what to do. Can you trust anybody?  You get bombarded with sick and twisted thoughts, but you're not crazy. If severe symptoms don't come out in one way, they'll come out in others. Sometimes you just turn things off and rock back and forth to protect yourself.

You're not crazy. You did nothing wrong. Why didn't I kill all three psycho rapists? Why did I freeze? Why was I drugged? You have to fight all the time. You feel totally exhausted and can barely move. But you have to fight back.

What else can you do?

Fighting to Keep a Sense of Balance

More struggles with symptoms, and fighting to not dissociate. Does it feel like everywhere you turn, there's violent triggering stuff? Nightmares happen all the time. Psychosis symptoms still happen as well. Hallucinations, somebody's trying to break in and kill me and more. Despite all of this, we're not mentally ill, weird, strange or a threat to anybody. Your symptoms are horribly severe, and nobody listens or helps you.

Nobody listens or helps you.

Don't Dissociate

More nightmares and exhaustion in fighting symptoms. Don't dissociate. It's constant pain.

You have to fight back.

Lots of Pain.

Fighting lots of pain. Don't dissociate. It's extremely painful. But denial won't help.

You have to deal with it.

Fighting All Week

Sorry to be away for a while. But it's been non stop fighting all week. Don't dissociate. Don't go back to binge alcoholism. Fight pain that never lets up. I now have two pain meds, one for nightmares and one for general anxiety. Also, the heart meds that I have to take.

Many times, the usual grounding techniques don't work. What do you do then?

Screaming to Survive

Lots of pain and dissociating. Don't do it. Protect yourself at all costs. You have to fight back.

Protect Yourself

Do you still feel like you're always under threat? Odds are every person you see isn't carrying s weapon. But you still have to protect yourself. Can you trust anybody? 

I have some  weapons I carry for protection. Mace, a knife in my bag, a knife next to my bed at night. You have to fight back.

You want to feel safe.

Exhaustion but You Have to Fight

Lots of errands and exhaustion from fighting symptoms. One minute you think there's some clarity. Then, you  don't know where you are. You scream and fight to not black out.

You also have to protect yourself by saying you can't handle the pain of the world AND your own, all at the same time. I can't save ten million refugees. I couldn't save two little kids and their mom from drowning. I know what's happening and I'm concerned. On the other hand, my well being comes first.

Be aware but screen everything.

Extremely Painful

Today, more non stop fighting of symptoms. Dissociating, adrenalin surges, pain all over your body, hallucinations and more. I try to keep my diet clean, and at times that helps to a certain extent. But you still struggle.

When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't remember. Nightmares are always violent. You have to fight back or you get stabbed to death. I go out and I always have to have an escape plan. Just in case, how do I leave here safely? If I can't reground myself in a place with little kids, I leave. I have no desire to torture, rape and murder little kids. But the thoughts at times are there.

I'm not a monster.
I'm not mentally ill.
I'm not a threat to anybody.

You have to protect yourself.

The Severity of Your Symptoms

Another day of struggle to not dissociate. You think that maybe it will relieve pain. But it doesn't. Instead, you don't know where you are or what time it is. You're trapped in a maze with no way out. I don't want to feel miserable all the time. Despite that, you still feel bombarded with pain.

Face your trauma history as best you can. You're bombarded with pain and sick thoughts. On the other hand, I'm not mentally ill. I have health problems, and I'm trying to deal with them as best I can.

You have to protect yourself.

What's Real and What Isn't (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Another appointment today, and back to fighting symptoms. Part of that struggle is to face your trauma history as best you can. That doesn't mean be trapped in the past. It means if you don't deal with it in a good way, it will come out in bad ways. Alcoholism, junk food, dissociative rituals to try and escape pain. That doesn't work.

Instead, you don't want to feel like you have no idea of where you are. What time is it? Suddenly hours go by, and you have to fight hard to not be trapped in an endless dissociating loop. For a long time, violent unchecked dissociating was a survival tool. It like you're being screamed at non stop all day long. Every day. No break from the abuse. How do you fight to survive that? My first therapist that actually helped me for a short time said I'm surprised you didn't kill yourself years ago from the horrible stress.

How do you respond to that?

In some ways my heart disease is a result from a lifetime of fighting trauma. I still want to have a cortisol blood test to know what my level is. If you're constantly fighting every single day, how can that not be connected to your cortisone? In the past I had lots of illnesses that I think were a result of not dealing the trauma of being raped.

If it doesn't come out in one way, trauma will come out in others.

Many days I don't watch any TV. You have to screen everything to make sure it's safe to deal with. You have to set boundaries. Nobody else will do it for you.

While I have various benefits, at times you have tough moments. How do I pay for this medication and my food for tomorrow? These are real human beings dealing with survival. Not some statistic that can be manipulated during an election.

You have to fight back.

No Sleep and Then What?

Catching up on a lot today (bills, online stuff and more). No sleep last night as we tried to not dissociate. Where is the fine line between dissociating and dreaming? I'm not sure. But it's scary enough to try and to just not fall apart.

Are you being bombarded with flashbacks and pain? You try to focus and hold onto what's real. Despite that, it's a non stop battle to not snap.

You just want to feel safe.