A Holiday Lead In

An early Happy Thanksgiving. Also, fighting hard to not dissociate and not black out. We're averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night.

We're not crazy, insane, sick, psychotic, or a danger to ourselves or anybody else. Don't dissociate. Do something else.

A Mix

Staying in tonight, and trying to stay warm. Lots of herbal tea and late night snacks to help. If you time them right, they can. If you eat too late, then your risk nightmares.

What about trauma survivors who deal with a wide range of symptoms and emotions? Are some more susceptible to others when their systems are effected by chemicals and other stuff in their diet? I think they are. At least I know that I am.

One minute, we feel like there's some sense of focus. Then, you fight to not scream and black out. Will one of my multiples lash out and attack somebody, and I won't know it? How do you deal with that? In my case, I've had all four major type of dissociative blackouts:

You lose you sense of hearing. Everything sounds garbled.
You lose track of time. Usually this means that one or more of your multiples take over. Then, you're left standing there with no idea of what happened.
You're driving, and then suddenly see that you're about 100 miles past where you wanted to be.

It's been a while since my system shorted out, and then you have no idea of where you are. However, at times it feels like it might happen.

What do you do then?

Our intuition is feeling pretty sharp right now. This means that you feel like you're seeing all of the hypocrisy in the world. You're not the ONLY one who sees it. But it feels like you are.

How do you deal with that? Do you scream and smash stuff against the wall? Do you feel like you're getting bombarded with all of the pain in the world from everyone else? How do you protect yourself?

Do you have nightmare and body pain? Do you feel like you're going to snap? After fighting this all day long, we can barely move. Go back on meds? No thanks. They actually made symptoms worse, because they were like a band aid.

These days, we're fighting to not dissociate at least a hundred times a day. In the most positive way we can, we're trying to say don't do it. Go the other way, and see what happens. This means spending lots of time walking around to make sure that you're safe. You still have to fight off the psycho rapist in flashbacks. You stab him with your knife in a vulnerable spot so he'll break his grip. Then yous stab him again, break the grip and then slam him against the wall, and then stab and kill him before he kills you.

It doesn't matter that it's only a lucid dream. You HAVE  to protect yourself. If you don't, you fall apart. Just going with your feelings doesn't work. Do you want to fall apart, or protect your well being?

While we can't make other horrible people get it about trauma, we WILL protect ourselves. Nobody else will do it.

Anger, Sadness and Feeling Abandoned

There are some moments of clarity. Then, you focus so you won't scream, attack anyone or black out. This isn't abnormal in any way. This is a normal survival/healing response to a long history of violent abuse.

You go to sleep at night, or at least you try to. Many times, you end up fighting to not snap and fall apart because of flashbacks  or body pain. You have to screen everything because at times you feel like you're being bombarded with hypocracy. Can you trust anybody? Is everybody lying?

We're just trying to keep a sense of balance. Not perfection, but balance. But we still have paralyzing fear.

Don't Get Eaten Alive By Anger and More

We all have our good and evil sides. However, when you feel like you have to suppress your anger to survive and not get abused, how do you do that? We did that for a long time to literally survive. Now, we have bad days where our evil side is screaming all kinds of horrible stuff. We don't act on it out loud. But it's still there.

Lately, there have been more nightmares, dissociating, pain and adrenalin surges. It takes about five minuets a day to put my shoes on due to adrenalin surges. If you don't concentrate, it feels like I don't have sensation in different parts of my body.

How do you cope with that? It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Yet it feels like the world wants nothing to do with you.

I'm not trying to torture myself or be a professional patient. Instead, face the full reality of your trauma history in the most non-threatening way you can. Protect your well being at all costs.

Can you screen everything? No you can't. You can however try to protect yourself. Don't take everything as being second nature. Do I really have to deal with this, or not? What does your intuition say? I'm not always right. But I do okay.

Do you feel like you're the only one who sees all the hypocracy in the world? I know I'm not. On the other hand, I do hear that a lot from other survivors.

Just cove your bases and say, we're not insane. These is a survival and healing mechanism from a log history of horrible abuse. Which isn't my fault.

Keeping Some Sense of Control

The longer you stay clean, the more backed up trauma comes out. For the past few days, it's either nightmares or now adrenalin surges. You try to focus and keep some smooth chi flow in your body. However, at times you don't have any feeling in different parts of your body. Right now it takes me about three minutes to put my shoes on. Why? Because I have to focus really hard to keep some sense of focus and sensation in them.

What are all of the reasons for this happening? We're no sure. Having said that, we know we're on the right track in our holistic healing. Almost 6 months now with no caffeine. Maybe the adrenalin surges happen because of stimulant withdrawl? Not sure.

You fight to not black out from dissociating. Anger is also tough to not give into. What keep sme from attacking everybody who gets in my way? Aside form jail time, also not wanting to sink down to someone else's disfunctional level.

It's all connected.

Paying Attention to Our Balance

Another night of almost no sleep. Had more nightmares where you want to scream, but you can't for about ten seconds. We almost called a crisis line because we thought, are we insane? I'm not psycotic or a danger to anybody. So why is this happening?

It's happening because it's backed up traumatic energy that hasn't been dealt with. It has to come out, and as long as your system is healthy it will. That still doesn't take away the terror.

Stat away from chemicals as much as possible. Be nice to yourself. Set boundaries where necessary. Another one is to block and delete when needed online. It's okay to not be on call to everyone 24/7. Nobody's paying me to do that. Which means it's okay to say no.

Some tea and then an early night in.

How Your Balance Today?

While the laptop at home recharges, we're working online on someone else's desktop. If all else fails, work off the I-phone. Overkill? You be the judge.

We're really trying to pay attention to how things affect you. Don't assume that everything is second nature, and that's okay. Instead, ask do I really need to do this? Does this make me feel good, or run down?

We didn't do that for a long time. A lot was a vicious cycle to escape pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest parts of our healing. For a long time, lots of destructive dissociating stuff was normal. Now, don't do it.

Does this mean that one or maybe more of my multiples are lashing out because of this change? We're not sure. However, the pain is there. Also, seeing lots of hypocracy everywhere we look.

Are we the only ones who see this? No. At times though, it feels like it.

We just want a sense of balance. No death wish. No desire to hurt either ourselves or anyone else.

What do we do now?