This blog deals with one person's fight against horrible PTSD from beign repeatedly raped by more than one person. At times I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get key points across. But never to intentionally hurt anyone.
If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Still fighting for stability. Dissociating continues to happen at times. I'm trying a new herb to see if that will help to cope better.
It's not just one or more multiples or my little kid. It's everything that continues to flood out.
How do you cope? What do you do when you feel like you're getting beat up every day and NOBODY will pay attention? Please share your thoughts.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Finally a Little More Stability?
This blog deal with one person's fight against PTSD (from being repeatedly raped by more than one person). Sometimes I use "triggers" to get key points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and thanks for the support.
Finally some stability for a change? I'm using lots of new herbs. And there's a little more integration. I still have to scream in my car and punch out the stering wheel. But we'll see how it goes.
Hope you're feeling betteer too. And feel free to post a comment.
Finally some stability for a change? I'm using lots of new herbs. And there's a little more integration. I still have to scream in my car and punch out the stering wheel. But we'll see how it goes.
Hope you're feeling betteer too. And feel free to post a comment.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
A Vicious Beating (contains extremely graphic content)
This blog deal with one person's fight against horrible PSTD from repeated rape by more than one person. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get key points across. But never to intentionally hurt anyone else. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Today's blog contains extremely graphic content that could be horrible triggers. But this needs to be talked about.
If you're still ok, keep going. And thanks for the support.
How was your Christmas? Go anywhere? Due to money problems I ended up staying here. But much of it was rough.
Every day now for the past week or so, it's been horrible dissociating, flashbacks, lucid dreams and more. My therapist and a few other people say that it's all the trauma flooding out. Which means you have to stay as grounded as you can and fight back to not dissociate all the time.
On Xmas Day, we spent all day fighting really sick and twisted dissociating. My multiples and little kid say that I was raped by my grandfather (now dead). Imagine the sickest things you can about this:
I really like f*****g little kids.
I don't care what the hell you do. I'm gonna f**k you till you scream.
Go down on me now.
You get the idea.
Every day, it's homicidal anger coming out. We do all the healthy things to try and stay grounded. But when this happens, we get in my car and drive to an empty parking lot nearby. We go off in a corner and then scream and punch out my steering wheel and dash board. Every day for almost a week. Sometimes we ask, why is this happening? We didn't ask for this. We don't want to be raped. We don't like pain and humiliation. But nobody listens? Why don't they listen? Why don't they pay attention?
Because not all but many people think guy survivors are their worst f*****g nightmare. And they will do LITERALLY ANYTHING to avoid it. People tell you, oh you need to share. Get your story out. Then when you try to, many of the same people say f**k off. You freak me out. We don't like you.
Where do you go then? The symptoms keep coming. You don't want to use again or kill yourself. So where are you supposed to go?
When anger is this bad you want to kill everybody. Every stupid ass m*****rf****r that laughed in your face and treated you like s**t. I'll f*****g kill you right now. Scream all your want. Nobody gives a s**t about you. I'm gonna f*****g kill you, rape your wife. And burn your f*****g house down. And then I'm gonna kill every f*****g a*****e that gets in my way.
We haven't done this and we don't want to. Also, I don't have a gun. Because right now I'm afraid to have one. I've used lots of guns and understand what they can do. But if I have one now, I'm afraid of what we might do.
We go out and it still feels like everything's dangerous. See the guy over in the corner? He's a homicidal rapist that loves to f**k little kids and then slit their throat. So we have to kill him first.
We stand and listen to someone talk. But what do they really want? Are they going to try and rape us? What if they try to pin us down? What if they grab us from behind? What do we do then? We constantly think out different moves to stop them.
We try to think about some positive things that have happened. But 99% of the time a billion horrible flashbacks happen.
What are we supposed to do? A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a problem. For most people, a weird thought happens and you blow it off. For others, it takes literally days to get past it. Why is it? Is it because of one or more multiples saying something? Or is it all the trauma flooding out?
We're not going to just roll over and die. And no we won't hurt ourselves. But it would be nice to have one day without symptoms.
If you're still ok, keep going. And thanks for the support.
How was your Christmas? Go anywhere? Due to money problems I ended up staying here. But much of it was rough.
Every day now for the past week or so, it's been horrible dissociating, flashbacks, lucid dreams and more. My therapist and a few other people say that it's all the trauma flooding out. Which means you have to stay as grounded as you can and fight back to not dissociate all the time.
On Xmas Day, we spent all day fighting really sick and twisted dissociating. My multiples and little kid say that I was raped by my grandfather (now dead). Imagine the sickest things you can about this:
I really like f*****g little kids.
I don't care what the hell you do. I'm gonna f**k you till you scream.
Go down on me now.
You get the idea.
Every day, it's homicidal anger coming out. We do all the healthy things to try and stay grounded. But when this happens, we get in my car and drive to an empty parking lot nearby. We go off in a corner and then scream and punch out my steering wheel and dash board. Every day for almost a week. Sometimes we ask, why is this happening? We didn't ask for this. We don't want to be raped. We don't like pain and humiliation. But nobody listens? Why don't they listen? Why don't they pay attention?
Because not all but many people think guy survivors are their worst f*****g nightmare. And they will do LITERALLY ANYTHING to avoid it. People tell you, oh you need to share. Get your story out. Then when you try to, many of the same people say f**k off. You freak me out. We don't like you.
Where do you go then? The symptoms keep coming. You don't want to use again or kill yourself. So where are you supposed to go?
When anger is this bad you want to kill everybody. Every stupid ass m*****rf****r that laughed in your face and treated you like s**t. I'll f*****g kill you right now. Scream all your want. Nobody gives a s**t about you. I'm gonna f*****g kill you, rape your wife. And burn your f*****g house down. And then I'm gonna kill every f*****g a*****e that gets in my way.
We haven't done this and we don't want to. Also, I don't have a gun. Because right now I'm afraid to have one. I've used lots of guns and understand what they can do. But if I have one now, I'm afraid of what we might do.
We go out and it still feels like everything's dangerous. See the guy over in the corner? He's a homicidal rapist that loves to f**k little kids and then slit their throat. So we have to kill him first.
We stand and listen to someone talk. But what do they really want? Are they going to try and rape us? What if they try to pin us down? What if they grab us from behind? What do we do then? We constantly think out different moves to stop them.
We try to think about some positive things that have happened. But 99% of the time a billion horrible flashbacks happen.
What are we supposed to do? A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a problem. For most people, a weird thought happens and you blow it off. For others, it takes literally days to get past it. Why is it? Is it because of one or more multiples saying something? Or is it all the trauma flooding out?
We're not going to just roll over and die. And no we won't hurt ourselves. But it would be nice to have one day without symptoms.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Hanging on by a Threat
This blog deals with one person's fight against horrible PTSD from beign repeatedly raped. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get key points across. But never to hurt anybody.
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Finally feeling balanced again after a horrible night. Had a lucid dream where I was being kidnapped and sold as a sex slave along with hundreds of others. And then suddenly your eyes open and you think, is this real or not? What do we do? My multiples, little kid and I all said fight back.
So we jumped out of bed and had to fight REALLY HARD and screamed for about an hour to fight your way back thru that so we didn't dissociate forever. Then we grabbed some scissors (the nearest weapon) and checked all the other rooms to make sure it was safe. We called a helpline and gradually we started to calm down again.
But in that moment of fighting back, NOBODY is going to listen to you or help you. So do you just roll over and literally die? Do you just go back to bed and literally dissocaite forever? You feel like you're out-of-your-body and watching a rat in a cage fighting for a way out. But there is none.
We try every way we can to stay grounded. But even with all of these positive things, sometimes it doesn't work. And you feel like you're this close to the edge. But nobody's standing with you. Nobody's listening and nobody can be bothered. If you gonna freak out, at least do it in the corner, ok? You're scaring my kids? We scream because we know something is wrong and we fight to get help. But nobody pays attention.
In that case, where do you go? We refuse to just roll over and die and then give these sick a******s that treated us like s**t the satisfaction.
What do you do to help you cope? I'd love to hear from you.
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Finally feeling balanced again after a horrible night. Had a lucid dream where I was being kidnapped and sold as a sex slave along with hundreds of others. And then suddenly your eyes open and you think, is this real or not? What do we do? My multiples, little kid and I all said fight back.
So we jumped out of bed and had to fight REALLY HARD and screamed for about an hour to fight your way back thru that so we didn't dissociate forever. Then we grabbed some scissors (the nearest weapon) and checked all the other rooms to make sure it was safe. We called a helpline and gradually we started to calm down again.
But in that moment of fighting back, NOBODY is going to listen to you or help you. So do you just roll over and literally die? Do you just go back to bed and literally dissocaite forever? You feel like you're out-of-your-body and watching a rat in a cage fighting for a way out. But there is none.
We try every way we can to stay grounded. But even with all of these positive things, sometimes it doesn't work. And you feel like you're this close to the edge. But nobody's standing with you. Nobody's listening and nobody can be bothered. If you gonna freak out, at least do it in the corner, ok? You're scaring my kids? We scream because we know something is wrong and we fight to get help. But nobody pays attention.
In that case, where do you go? We refuse to just roll over and die and then give these sick a******s that treated us like s**t the satisfaction.
What do you do to help you cope? I'd love to hear from you.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Doing Whatever It Takes
This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being repeatedly raped. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors and more) to get important points across. But never to hurt anyone. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Staying in tonight and catching up. But in an easy way. Today was another horrible battle against dissociating. You do all the positive things. And you still feel like you're going to snap. You're going to morph and just fall apart. Sometimes you scream, you cry. And you think, why does this have to happen? Because it's trauma flooding out. And it has to come out.
But as it does, you really have to fight hard to keep a positive balance. If adrenalin surges happen, you have to literally focus hard and push back to keep your balance. If not, you feel like you're going to fall apart. If you do dissociate, many times it feels like you're walking around in a trance.You're looking for a way out. But you can't find it.
For some people some weird thought happens and you can stop it in two seconds and go on. For others, it takes hours and hours to get past it. You punch out the walls, you scream and you don't know what else to do but to fight back. Otherwise you'll fall apart.
But you have to be careful. Because being a guy survivor, nobody will pay attention. Nobody wants to listen. So what do you do? If someone says go ahead and share and then they say go away you freak me out, what do you say?
We're not going to roll over and die. The sick m****rf****r that f****d us in the ass used EMDR lights to lure his victims into his room. And it happened more than once. Why did it happen? It's not our fault. But NOBODY has ever acknowledged it. It's like, nobody cares so just shut up and you fix it. And we will never tolerate talking about this s**t.
Fine. You then cut these people off and move on. But what happens when nobody touches you or says "I'm sorry you were raped"? What do you do then?
Staying in tonight and catching up. But in an easy way. Today was another horrible battle against dissociating. You do all the positive things. And you still feel like you're going to snap. You're going to morph and just fall apart. Sometimes you scream, you cry. And you think, why does this have to happen? Because it's trauma flooding out. And it has to come out.
But as it does, you really have to fight hard to keep a positive balance. If adrenalin surges happen, you have to literally focus hard and push back to keep your balance. If not, you feel like you're going to fall apart. If you do dissociate, many times it feels like you're walking around in a trance.You're looking for a way out. But you can't find it.
For some people some weird thought happens and you can stop it in two seconds and go on. For others, it takes hours and hours to get past it. You punch out the walls, you scream and you don't know what else to do but to fight back. Otherwise you'll fall apart.
But you have to be careful. Because being a guy survivor, nobody will pay attention. Nobody wants to listen. So what do you do? If someone says go ahead and share and then they say go away you freak me out, what do you say?
We're not going to roll over and die. The sick m****rf****r that f****d us in the ass used EMDR lights to lure his victims into his room. And it happened more than once. Why did it happen? It's not our fault. But NOBODY has ever acknowledged it. It's like, nobody cares so just shut up and you fix it. And we will never tolerate talking about this s**t.
Fine. You then cut these people off and move on. But what happens when nobody touches you or says "I'm sorry you were raped"? What do you do then?
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Getting Hit Hard Every Day
This blog talks about one person's fight against PTSd from repeated rape. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, and more) to get points across. But never to hurt other survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
How was your day today? Here it was rough. Got hit hard all day by horrible dissociating and more. Then I just stopped and turned everything off. Triggers are everywhere. Literally if you try and think of one positive thing instantly a billion flashbacks happen. And sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap. Despite doing all of the positive things to ground yourself, it keeps coming.
EMDR is still helpful. But my multiples and little kid are terrified. Why do we have to go back and be raped again? How come nobody pays attention? Does anybody care at all? What if he stabs us and kills us? Will anybody notice then?
How do you answer that? Sometimes just saying I don't know is a bad idea. But there's that despair of feeling like NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO YOU. So what do you do then? On the one hand people say please share. Then you do and suddenly they're gone.
What did you do? If this freaks you out so much why did you spend all that time saying please share? Why did you waste your time and ours? You can say, it's true that some people don't know that guy survivors exist. But also, what do you do when NOBODY will admit you exist. People won't touch you, nobody will say I'm sorry you're raped. Why? Because it's too much of an "inconvenience"? Because you're not a woman survivor? So that's their get out of jail free card which allows them to get the f**k of there, thank God.
I'm not going to do any drugs again. I won't off myself. So what do we do now?
Do you sometimes get the feeling that there's a Universal Agreement that says we will NEVER talk about guy survivors. Women are ok. But guys are too f*****g weird. I mean, my God, what the hell would our audience say? What would management say? Just go away.
If you call someone on this, suddenly they have time to say, oh yes, this is a problem for guys as well. If that's true, then why didn't you mention this before I called you and forced you to do that?
Flashbacks still happen. You scream, punch out walls and fight to not black out. But what happens when it feels like nobody will listen to you?
How was your day today? Here it was rough. Got hit hard all day by horrible dissociating and more. Then I just stopped and turned everything off. Triggers are everywhere. Literally if you try and think of one positive thing instantly a billion flashbacks happen. And sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap. Despite doing all of the positive things to ground yourself, it keeps coming.
EMDR is still helpful. But my multiples and little kid are terrified. Why do we have to go back and be raped again? How come nobody pays attention? Does anybody care at all? What if he stabs us and kills us? Will anybody notice then?
How do you answer that? Sometimes just saying I don't know is a bad idea. But there's that despair of feeling like NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO YOU. So what do you do then? On the one hand people say please share. Then you do and suddenly they're gone.
What did you do? If this freaks you out so much why did you spend all that time saying please share? Why did you waste your time and ours? You can say, it's true that some people don't know that guy survivors exist. But also, what do you do when NOBODY will admit you exist. People won't touch you, nobody will say I'm sorry you're raped. Why? Because it's too much of an "inconvenience"? Because you're not a woman survivor? So that's their get out of jail free card which allows them to get the f**k of there, thank God.
I'm not going to do any drugs again. I won't off myself. So what do we do now?
Do you sometimes get the feeling that there's a Universal Agreement that says we will NEVER talk about guy survivors. Women are ok. But guys are too f*****g weird. I mean, my God, what the hell would our audience say? What would management say? Just go away.
If you call someone on this, suddenly they have time to say, oh yes, this is a problem for guys as well. If that's true, then why didn't you mention this before I called you and forced you to do that?
Flashbacks still happen. You scream, punch out walls and fight to not black out. But what happens when it feels like nobody will listen to you?
Monday, December 8, 2008
Trying to Focus
This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being repeatedly raped. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors and more) to get points across. But never to hurt other survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Back to it. And so far it seems to be ok. Yesterday was an endless battle to not dissociate. You scream and fight to not disappear. But what happens when you try everything you can to stay grounded and you still have to fight? I really don't want to sink down to the level of the sick assholes that treated me like s**t.
How do you deal with a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism? If you dissociate, sometimes it takes FOREVER to get past that. Also, if you go out someplace and everything is heightened awareness, how do you cope with that?
We'll see how it goes.
Back to it. And so far it seems to be ok. Yesterday was an endless battle to not dissociate. You scream and fight to not disappear. But what happens when you try everything you can to stay grounded and you still have to fight? I really don't want to sink down to the level of the sick assholes that treated me like s**t.
How do you deal with a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism? If you dissociate, sometimes it takes FOREVER to get past that. Also, if you go out someplace and everything is heightened awareness, how do you cope with that?
We'll see how it goes.
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