It's All Connected

Went back to my GP for another ear exam. This time, both were cleaned out (due to wax blockages). Now, my hearings back to normal. But in the process, I've learned more about and have had stuff confirmed about holistic health.

Everything really is connected. What can cause wax buildup in your inner ears? Lots of fat, sugar and high stress. All of these can affect heart disease as well. I can't handle more than three tiny meals a day. If I have snacks or anything else, I feel really bloated and run down. Why? Because to compensate, my heart is drawing blood away from things like digestion. If you drink lots of liquid, that also adds to feeling full.

I feel at times like I have no chi at all. I have to focus really hard to get out of bed and do basic things. I have problems walking up flights of stairs. I'm not short of breath. It's just that my legs hurt.

Do you feel abandoned? We cry and at other times don't know what to do. We curl up and rock back and forth to feel safe.

Lots of coverage of the MH17 funeral for the victims. To show respect, try to find and put out the actual truth about this, instead of endless boring Putin bashing.

Rest and Focus

Some easy things to do today. Aside from those, just rest. Almost no energy, and it's a struggle at times to not black out from body pain and flashbacks.

On the other hand, with added benefits we have added protection and more potential leads to the proper treatment. Also, we did nothing wrong. Despite how severe the pain is at times, all of this is a normal response to the severity of your symptoms.

We just want rest and to feel safe.

We Got Approved

Great news. I went to my benefits appeal hearing, and got approved for a monthly amount and extra medical coverage. Which means continue living as cheaply as possible to make it all work. But also, I can now have access to possibly more helpful treatment for both my heart disease and PTSD symptoms.

This afternoon, just sit and rest. Have some tea, and stay away from all triggering stuff.

Sit Back and Do Nothing? You Can't Do That

Last year, I was evaluated by a psychiatrist regarding my PTSD symptoms. She said that the severity was equal to s vet who's done way too many tours in dangerous places, and never got the proper help. Now, I'm dealing with the long term consequences of that.

Every day, you try and focus as best you can. However, it's still a battle to not dissociate. For a long time, violent dissociating was a survival mechanism. Now, I still have to fight to focus and not end up dissociating all day.

We feel sad, we cry, and we even curl up in the corner so nobody will hit us. You turn away and silently scream, and that way again nobody will abuse the shit out you.

Does this happen to you?

We're Not Available.

A long day with doctor appointments, new medication, coming down with ear infections in both ears, and then cancelling a trip for tomorrow. Instead, do all of that, do some shopping, and then come home and just rest. No triggering stuff, no calls to save the world, nothing.

Just stay home and rest.

Lately, we still struggle with emotions after being raped. It's like, nobody saved us. What do we do now? then again, every support source that we have say that that's totally normal.

It's like all of the pain from being raped hits you all at once. We just want to have some sense of balance.

Tomorrow, a day off. Back at it on Friday.

The Protection Dispatch

Tomorrow we go back to see the cardiologist about all of our heart test results. did my doctor give me any specific guidelines? So far, just if it hurts, stop doing it. One minute a nurse tells me I'm getting better. Then you have massive heart damage, heart failure, and so on.

We're just trying to keep some sense of balance. It's rough when you feel like you're going to snap. We don't want to violently dissociate and fall apart. You don't know what's going on, and what's worse, you don't care.

Time for some tea.

I Don't Want to Dissociate

Another horrible day with fighting to not violently dissociate. You almost feel like you're going to black out. It's like binge drinking. You lose all sense of where you are, and many times you don't care.

We don't want to fall back into that. Non-stop pain all day long. Instead, a healthy balance.