A lot of chi ups and downs today. Despite that, you have to fight back.
Next week, I see the cardiologist to find out about all of my heart test results. I'm still sticking to my holistic approach as best I can.
More as it happens.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Friday, July 11, 2014
Do You Have the Solution?
We all know there's no magic one-cure-fits-all trauma histories. You know it's not your fault . You know you did nothing wrong. Despite that, you still struggle.
You're sitting in a small bedroom in a two-story house. It's fall, the window is open and the breeze is blowing in. Yet, everything feels like it's in black and white. You feel trapped, and don't know what to do. Others are downstairs, but can't be bothered to pay attention. It's pointless to even talk to them.
You feel almost brainwashed and not in control as one of the psycho rapists takes you into his room. You know something's wrong, but it's like you're watching yourself take off your clothes as the monster does the same thing. You want to scream, but you can't. The psycho's skin is next to yours, and his penis is in your anus. You want to scream, but nothing will come out.
No one will burst into the room and save you.
No police sniper will see an opening and blow the psycho's head off to save you.
No cop will use a rape testing kit to convict the psycho.
You want to get a gun, and kill everyone that raped you or abused the shit out you. It's legal where you live, but what's the point?
We still struggle to keep some sense of balance and not fall apart. If I say my name, the fact that I have PTSD and other health problems that are connected could be used against me by a future boss. I don't give a fuck what the anti-discrimination laws say. If I knew ahead of time that you have these problems, I never would have hired you.
There are actually many employers out there with this mindset. Does it bother them saying this stuff? No.
Despite that, the important thing is to continue as best you can.
You're sitting in a small bedroom in a two-story house. It's fall, the window is open and the breeze is blowing in. Yet, everything feels like it's in black and white. You feel trapped, and don't know what to do. Others are downstairs, but can't be bothered to pay attention. It's pointless to even talk to them.
You feel almost brainwashed and not in control as one of the psycho rapists takes you into his room. You know something's wrong, but it's like you're watching yourself take off your clothes as the monster does the same thing. You want to scream, but you can't. The psycho's skin is next to yours, and his penis is in your anus. You want to scream, but nothing will come out.
No one will burst into the room and save you.
No police sniper will see an opening and blow the psycho's head off to save you.
No cop will use a rape testing kit to convict the psycho.
You want to get a gun, and kill everyone that raped you or abused the shit out you. It's legal where you live, but what's the point?
We still struggle to keep some sense of balance and not fall apart. If I say my name, the fact that I have PTSD and other health problems that are connected could be used against me by a future boss. I don't give a fuck what the anti-discrimination laws say. If I knew ahead of time that you have these problems, I never would have hired you.
There are actually many employers out there with this mindset. Does it bother them saying this stuff? No.
Despite that, the important thing is to continue as best you can.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Struggling for Balance
One minute, your chi is there. The next, you have trouble moving around. Despite that, we just trying to keep a sense of balance as best we can. Have a nice night.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
How's Your Energy Level?
Another day with almost no energy. Managed to make it up from a quarter mile to a half mile run. After that, too hot to do anything else. Also, no caffeine, and stay off of salt and sugar as much as possible. It's too much of a drain on your chi.
Tomorrow, back to the therapist.
Tomorrow, back to the therapist.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Balance and Some Rest
Another day of fighting symptoms and feeling run down. On the other hand, we avoid violent dissociating as much as possible.Daydreaming is one thing. This is way over at the other end of the scale.
Avoid all triggering atuff as much as possible. Time for bed.
Avoid all triggering atuff as much as possible. Time for bed.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Depression and More
More doctor appointments in the next week. Also, it's back to the therapist. While that's happening, symptoms are still a struggle to fight against. You fight really hard to not scream and black out from the pain of being raped. But every mental health support source that we trust all say the same thing. It has to come out. None of this is abnormal in any way, considering what you've been thru and never got help for.
Bad days with fear, abandonment and more happen. When they do, we curl up in a corner, cry and rock back and forth. At least that way we won't get attacked. Can we trust anyone? Sometimes we don't know.
You have to protect your well being. Nobody else will do it for you.
Too much triggering news today. Much of it is just ridiculous. So why waste time dealing with it?
Emotionally, we feel like we're at the day after getting raped. There is no magic formula that fits all trauma survivors and instantly fixes everything. There's also shame, and just feeling like dirt. Nobody comes in to save you. Nobody uses a rape testing kit (guy survivors get testing kits just like women do). Nobody does anything.
You ask for help, and nobody listens. Many who's job it is to listen to and help trauma survivors scream at you for wasting their valuable time with YOUR PROBLEM.
You fix it. It's not my problem. You deal with it.
You don't want to hurt anybody else or yourself. Where do you go?
Do you have thoughts about suicide? At times we do, but we'd never act on it. Imagine being abused non-stop every single day. You go thru your entire day and constantly fighting abuse (verbal, physical, mental, and being raped).
Nobody listens to you or helps you. On the other hand, you don't want to die and give them the satisfaction.
What do you do?
No matter what, we did nothing wrong. Everything that we say is true. If others are horrible and can't deal with it, that's their problem. We're not responsible for their health.
We just want a sense of balance.
Bad days with fear, abandonment and more happen. When they do, we curl up in a corner, cry and rock back and forth. At least that way we won't get attacked. Can we trust anyone? Sometimes we don't know.
You have to protect your well being. Nobody else will do it for you.
Too much triggering news today. Much of it is just ridiculous. So why waste time dealing with it?
Emotionally, we feel like we're at the day after getting raped. There is no magic formula that fits all trauma survivors and instantly fixes everything. There's also shame, and just feeling like dirt. Nobody comes in to save you. Nobody uses a rape testing kit (guy survivors get testing kits just like women do). Nobody does anything.
You ask for help, and nobody listens. Many who's job it is to listen to and help trauma survivors scream at you for wasting their valuable time with YOUR PROBLEM.
You fix it. It's not my problem. You deal with it.
You don't want to hurt anybody else or yourself. Where do you go?
Do you have thoughts about suicide? At times we do, but we'd never act on it. Imagine being abused non-stop every single day. You go thru your entire day and constantly fighting abuse (verbal, physical, mental, and being raped).
Nobody listens to you or helps you. On the other hand, you don't want to die and give them the satisfaction.
What do you do?
No matter what, we did nothing wrong. Everything that we say is true. If others are horrible and can't deal with it, that's their problem. We're not responsible for their health.
We just want a sense of balance.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Sad But Trying to Cope
For the past couple of days, it's been a constant battle to not violently dissociate. You cry all day and struggle with feeling abandoned, dirty and worthless. You know you're not. But it's like you're at the next day after being raped emotionally.
Everybody heals at different rates. There's no magic cure to fit all trauma survivors. We know that. Having said that, you still struggle with trying not to feel worthless. Nobody listened, nobody saved us. Nobody did anything.
Every day there's endless abuse. You have to fight back, because you have no other choice. How do you do that AND everything else you have to do in the day?
In our case, no matter what happens, we know we're telling the truth. Other horrible people may have problems with that. However, we're not responsible for their health. We will protect ourselves as best we can. If others can't see or won't do anything about their mental illness, that's their problem.
You cry all day, you go outside. Or, you just sit in the corner and rock back and forth, because that way nobody will abuse you. I don't have all of the answers for my multiples and little kid. But that's okay.
Everybody heals at different rates. There's no magic cure to fit all trauma survivors. We know that. Having said that, you still struggle with trying not to feel worthless. Nobody listened, nobody saved us. Nobody did anything.
Every day there's endless abuse. You have to fight back, because you have no other choice. How do you do that AND everything else you have to do in the day?
In our case, no matter what happens, we know we're telling the truth. Other horrible people may have problems with that. However, we're not responsible for their health. We will protect ourselves as best we can. If others can't see or won't do anything about their mental illness, that's their problem.
You cry all day, you go outside. Or, you just sit in the corner and rock back and forth, because that way nobody will abuse you. I don't have all of the answers for my multiples and little kid. But that's okay.
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