Trying to Cope With Emptiness

Whle the families of the MH 370 passengers and crew continue to struggle with emptiness and grief, I'm still dealing with my own. I fight to wake up and not automatically black out from dissociating. For a long time, violent non-syop dissociating was a 24/7 survival mechanism. Which means of course that it doesn't instantly change. Just thru laregly not giving up, at times I have moments of clarity. At others, non-stop pain.

You try to focus and maintain some sense of balance. But along with that you have flashbacks and try to not fall apart. If you don't keep some sense of balance, you literally feel like you're going to fall apart.

How do you cope with that and heart disease? Sometimes I don't know how far I can go. If I push harder in this run, will I damage my system? I haven't been able to have a cardiac followup appointment for almost 3 months. What else can I do?

Is there such a thing as closure? I'm not sure. Instead, you try and move forward as best you can.

 

A Constant Battle to Focus

Another day of trying not to dissociate and worsening adrenalin surges. You try to concentrate and focus  your energy so it feels like a smooth flow, and you're not losing sensations in different parts of your body. But it still happens.

My next therapist appointment is next week. I try to keep some sense of calm. Despite that, you wake up in the middle of the nightI'm really trying to . Nightmares happen. Dissociating and hyperawareness. I'm really trying to pay attention to my intuition, especially with heart disease. How far can you go before you're putting your system in danger? I try to focus and to slow my pulse rate down. Even with that, at times that doesn't work.

Every source that I trust says the same thing. All of this is normal, considering what you've been through. You struggle with that, and the cruelness of others in the process. Why do they do and say that crap? I don't know.

I just to have  a sense of balance. One day with no symptoms.

What Exactly is Closure?

As the sad news about MH 370 continues,there's lots of talk about the families of the victims trying to find closure. You need to find thi to be able to continue on with your life.

Sounds easy to say. However, in reality, does anybody ever find closure? Finding that's like a journalist being 100% objective. I'm not sure it ever happens.

In my case, I'm trying to keep a sense of being grounded. That's tough to do when you're constantly being bombarded with body pain, adrenalin surges and flashbacks. What good would taking more medication do? To me, it would just make it worse. The underlying pain is still there. Now, you'd have a harder time dealing with anger and more.

Why are so many people cruel when you didn't ask to be raped and have all of this pain to deal with? Since I got raped, I've never had one day free of pain. Will I ever have that?

Screen Everything

A sorry for your loss to all of the families and friends of the MH370 victims. Maybe they'll find some sense of closure (whatever that means).

We still fight symptoms all the time. Dissociating is one of the toughest ones. As we apply for new benefits, you have to outline your trauma history. Which means more flashbacks and nightmares. On the other hand, we did nothing wrong.

Pay Attention to the Small Things

We've been sleeping in for the past few days to try and catch up on our rest. One minute, you feel fairly balanced. Then, you can barely move. You feel over weight and sore all over. In the past two weeks, we have put on a little weight. is it a side effect from the medication? So far, no.

Despite that, anger, flashbacks and body pain are there as well. I see it as all connected. Which means when applying for Social Security Income (SSI) and Medicare, everything has to be documented. The really frustrating part is getting caught in legalese arguments over what is a "disability" anyway? I didn't as for any of this. We  haven't been able to get victim compensation due to the compensation commission being set up after these crimes took place. Therefore, they don't exist.

How do you deal with that sense of abandonment?

A Connection with Grief

First, continued hope for the families and loved ones of everyone on MA370. If the MSM really wants to help, try by not exploiting their grief. Constantly running  video loops of people crying and being carried away is helpful? I don't think so.

Closer to home, I'm really feeling run down. I tried to go out for a short run (half a mile). I could barely make 200 yards before almost feeling like I could barely move. I usually don't have chest pain or pain elsewhere. Yet now it feels at times like I can barely move.

At times I have flashbacks to being in the hospital. Almost dying twice, and fighting to hang on. feeling like I have no control over my body. Lots of people come into the room, and you think for a second. Am I going to die? Will I end up in a come and on a respirator?

What do you do?

Right now, I feel really run down. You also fight hard to keep some sense of balance. You can't look at much content on TV because it all the same. You turn the sound down because maybe that will make a difference. No it doesn't.

You don't want to fall apart. Yet nightmares and body pain still happen. Earlier today we were screaming and fighting to not get raped. It doesn't matter that it was a horrible lucid dream. You have to fight back to survive.

I was evaluated by a psychiatrist about six months ago. She said in her opinion, I had the same symptoms as a vet who's been in way too many deployments and never got help.

You get bombarded with sadness and feeling abandoned as flashbacks to fighting to survive happen. You know it's not your fault. But they still happen.

You're upstairs in a room, and the windows are open. A cool breeze is blowing, and it feels like a scary winter. You feel alone and deserted. Many around you say that they care. But nobody will touch you or reassure you in any way.

How many times have survivors heard the same lines? I can understand a woman getting raped. But you were stupid enough to be raped by 3 pedophiles? What's wrong with you? You fix it, don't waste my time with this shit. Just go away.

How are you supposed to react to that?

You don't want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. Yet the thoughts are there.

What do you do?

You have to protect your well being at all costs. Does every day feel terrifying? No. yet symptoms are still there.

You don't want to die. Despite that, the pain of the psycho rapist sticking his dick in your anus and cuming makes you feel how? Like worthless garbage? Nobody can be bothered to listen or care?

Nobody came rushing in to save you.
Nobody called the cops.
No cops used a rape testing kit.
The state government says that legally, these crimes don't exist.

Now what do you do?

Emptiness

No noise right now. Just peace and quiet. Also, we really don't want to have another dissociative relapse. But the pain of fighting to not fall apart keeps happening. At times you have to scream and turn away.

It's like nobody has time to listen. Nobody can be bothered to pay attention. But you can't give in and off yourself. Can't give those that treated you like shit the satisfaction.

Will you ever get any sense of validation from someone that you're constantly second guessing? I don't know.