A Lot to Talk About

A quiet  night at home. NBA highlights are on, but the sound's turned down. At times you have to do that to protect yourself from triggering content. The doors are locked, and no chance of any commandoes from anywhere breaking in.

Having said that, thanks for the constantly growing support. I don't know all of you. But I do know that somebody's reading this (other than the NSA and GCHQ).

Went to the psychiatrist on Thursday, and it was quite a mix. A nice person, but bad timing with that being her last day before she takes a new job. Despite that, she gave me some helpful suggestions on how to cope until the next psychiatrist can help. One key is someone being able to deal with complex dissociative disorder.

We talked a lot about struggling with symptoms, and how to use and trust your intuition. I'm not always right. But my percentage is pretty high.

Many survivors talk about feeling like they have their pain, and the pain of the rest of the world to deal with. They feel like it's their obligation to protect all trauma survivors (regardless of the underlying cause). While it's not my place to tell others what to do, I can't do that, for many reasons.

Up to this point, I've spoken out a least six times on various radio talk shows about being a guy survivor. My feeling before doing each one was if it helps others, that's all that matters. However, for whatever reasons not all but many have the idea that because I'm a survivor, I can understand and solve all of their problems for them.

I wish I could. But I can't.

What's kept me alive? One thing is to never give up. Lots of people have talked about this in many contexts. But the idea is the same. Another reason is not giving everyone who treated you like dirt the satisfaction by offing yourself. No chance of that.

That being said, what else can you do?

We're trying really hard to not dissociate. It feels like making a million decisions every single day. Do we dissociate and vanish? Or, go the other way and see what happens?

So far so good.

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How Things Affect You

One minute, there's anger. Then abandonment. Then exhaustion. But you have to keep going.

My first psychiatrist appointment is on Thursday. Maybe one question I'll have for her is, does pain ever go away? I try to look at it like it has to come out. Either in a good way, or in bad ways.

Out of all of the emotions that happen, maybe one of the hardest ones is, how come nobody else actually cared? How come nobody did anything about this? An innocent little kid gets raped repeatedly by three psycho pedophiles. And NOBODY does ANYTHING about it.

Why not?

It's Obscene Not to Care

We all know that the world's full of endless horrible stuff. Triggering content is everywhere. Yet, while it would be nice, you can't individually solve every  problem. How do you stay aware and protect your well being at the same time?

Throwing yourself into helping others is a common way for trauma survivors to cope. Then again, does it really help, or hurt? I've found that you have to take the "my well being comes first" approach. You can't take on the world's pain, and deal with your own at the same time. It doesn't mean that you're not aware. It's a matter of being selective.

My first psychiatrist appointment is in a few days. While I don't have a death wish, at times you do think about what if I wasn't here? What would happen then? Do abandonment and anger ever go away? I don't know. Despite that, I just try to ay we did nothing wrong. Others are responsible for what they do and say. If you choose to be horrible, then you deal with the consequences.

Like the saying goes, it's obscene to not care and try to do something about a problem. But, your well being comes first.

One Minute There's Focus. Then You're Scared

We're trying to keep some sense of focus. It wasn't our fault. We did nothing wrong. We're telling the truth about being a survivor. Despite all that, we still scream and fight to not dissociate. To not fall apart. Nightmares still happen. You feel like you're getting bombarded with a billion different thoughts all at once.

What do you do?

Why Is Everything So Violent?

We still have all the PTSD symtpoms. Right now though, everything is violent. Why is this happening? Why does it keep happening?

Does this ever go away?

Fighting to Be Heard

Do I watch the Oscars or not? Ever since last year when Tarantino got Best Screenplay for "D'Jango Unchained", I thought, what's the point? Despite that, yes I did fill out my bracket sheet. Kind of a warmup to March Madness. For our intl. readers, March Madness is the main university basketball tournament here in the States. Like anything else, it comes complete with tons of adverts, lots of drinking and eating junk food. Which leads to the question of the day. Is pizza really junk food?

As new doctor appointments come up, I'm struggling with trying not to dwell on relapses. The urge to dissociate keeps happening, and then comes the thought of, do I really want to be stuck in that trap again? It's the same as an addict trying to stay clean. Does it ever go away?

NIghtmares still happen. The feeling of abandonment is there. You sit and feel empty, terrified  and confused. You know you don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. However, the emptiness is still there.

What's really scary at times? Giving into the "I don't give a fuck anymore about anything" feeling. In the past, that did happen at times. Followed  by blackouts, nightmares, and endless pain.

Now, I've been sober over 20 years. I still have addictions that I fight all the time. I also look at it like, keep your sense of balance. Call it whatever you want. Part of it is the law of karma. The good things that you do go out and never stop. 

Trying to Stay Clean

Lots of doctor appointments and more coming up. I'm really trying to stick to as organic a diet as possible. In the meantime, more questions. Is cirrhosis of the liver curable? Just how damaged is my system? It's really frustrating when you try to get follow up appointments, and they take forever.

I still have bad days with paralyzing fear and feeling abandoned. Does this ever go away?