Keep Going

All day, I've been struggling with what happened to Phillip Seymour Hoffman. It's sad that he relapsed and died. In his case heroin. In my case, alcoholism, pot, hash, junk food, and for a short time, soft core porn. In the past ten years, I've almost died five times.

Yet, I'm still here.

Now, I'm dealing with the long term effects of things on you. Even years after you stop a bad habit, the damage can still be there. Does it ever completely go away? Does the pain of being raped ever completely go away?

I don't know.

On really bad days when we just want to cry, we turn things off and just sit. It's scary and horrible, but what else can we do?

How's Your Awareness?

A busy week with forms, bureaucracy, and is everyone out to lunch? It seems like it.

Also, for the past three nights, I've been having really violent nightmares. Is it because of feeling bombarded with traumatic stuff during the day? Is it because of eating dinner too late at night? I'm not sure.

Whatever the cause, the pain is still there. Does it ever go away? I don't know. On the other hand, every mental health source that I trust says the same thing. Denial for you isn't an issue anymore. Your holistic approach to your health  will be a bug plus as you heal overall.

Maybe that's one of the key words right now. Healing from a history of abuse.  I know it's not my fault that I have PTSD, heart disease and more. You do the best you can to try and cope. Now I see that even when you stop destructive stuff, the effects from it can last for a long time.

It's not my fault.

Who Do You Believe?

Let's start with this idea. Every trauma survivor is different. Different history, different abuse and other factors to struggle with. On the other hand, what do all trauma survivors want? To be able to tell the truth about what happened to them. Also, vindication. Having some sense of justice in some way. Does that always happen? Unfortunately, no. Yet, survivors continue to fight for that.

Dylan Farrow is trying to do that in her recent New York Times letter about being sexually abused by Woody Allen when she was a little girl. Now, just in case Woody Allen's attorneys are reading this, let's legally protect ourselves from any libel lawsuits.

She's "alleging" that these "incidents of abuse" (also known as rape) continued to happen over a period of time.

She told her mother what happened, and then? Nobody was charged.

Set aside all of the TMZ celebrity hype about Allen, Mia Farrow, who slept with who, is Frank Sinatra REALLY my father, and other stuff. Let's not take the MSM hype approach, and do something else.

Why would she talk about this now, twenty years later? What possible motivation(s) would she have?

She's telling the truth. She wants the truth to be known. She's a normal human being that's entitled to normal emotions (sadness, rage, abandonment and others).

Rape is torture. It doesn't matter if you're a little girl or boy, woman or man. The pain never goes away.

Trying to tell others about this (and then get them to believe you) can be almost as painful as being raped.

She's now a married woman. Are she and her husband having financial problems? Is she trying to shake Allen down for millions in a lawsuit settlement so she'll shut up and go away? My problem with this is this. I've NEVER met another survivor who would willingly lie about rape. It's hard enough as it is to deal with being raped yourself.

Now instead of people trying to find out the truth and deal with the reality of people being raped, what do we have? Celebrity mega hype with various doctors, attorneys, show biz reporters and the obligatory actor/comedian to give "expert" analysis on this.

And that's considered normal.

You may not believe it. But Farrow's speaking out is actually doing everyone a favor.Why? because it's forcing you to face harsh reality. If you got raped, wouldn't you want to be heard and treated like a normal human being?

It's Not Your Fault

Watching the Super Bowl halftime, with the sound down right now. Sometimes you need a break from the hype. But I'm still saying Denver by 4.

As for other stuff, my symptoms are still there. I ask some of my mental health sources about this. Do flashbacks to being raped ever go away? I know everybody's different. Now I'm dealing with that and heart disease.

Is any of this my fault? No it's not. Even though you know that, you still have bad moments where you struggle.The flashbacks , the body pain, bruises that show up where the psycho raipist pinned you down as they raped you and could have then left you for dead.

On the other hand, I know I don't want to die with anger from being raped. That way, the psychos who did this and others who were cruel all the time as I tried to gte help won't have that over me. That doesn't mean that I stop being a normal human being who has the right to those emotions.

Time for some more tea.

Long Term Effects

While you can't go back and change the past, you can examine the long term effects of something on you. As I deal with being an outpatient, I look at my trauma history and ask, are the effects of long term untreated abuse now catching up to me? Yes, everyone's different. But if you have long term stress, symptoms may not show up for a long time. You feel okay, and nothing seems out of place. Then suddenly, your heart function drops 50%.

Something happened in the past month that caused my relapse. What exactly was it? At times, I try to go to sleep at night, and I feel like I can't control my pulse. What is it?

The Gap Between Survivors and the Rest

Normally, we try to stick to our "no progressive political content" rule as much as possible. Then again, you need to know the rules first before you break them. Which means that yes, we need to break this to make some points.

Tonight, Obama will make his State of the Union speech. The predictions are that he'll try to present a tougher image. I won't wait for Congress to do everything. I'll use my Executive Authority as much as possible to bypass them and actually get things done. Meanwhile, the Republicans are talking about taking "legal action". For what? Obama actually doing his job?

Part of the problem. Various problems that are right in front of you won't be mentioned. Why? Because we need to not dwell on the past. We need to join hands and look forward to the future. Hang on a minute. How can you improve anything if you refuse to face current problems head on?

You could say this about a wide range of topics. Everything from gun control to drone strikes, raising the minimum wage and more. You can also say that about various types of trauma survivors.

Do any of the rich and powerful realize that not having basic things like unemployment insuranace, a minimum wage tied to the cost of living and single payer health care endangers people's lives?

What do all trauma survivors have in common? A lifetime fight to survive against endless abuse.

Is there such a thing as economic abuse? Yes, there is. Just like sexual abuse and other types, everyone deserves to be heard. Unfortunately, if you try to do that in the MSM, you'll be censored.

Post #1,000 and Counting

Yes, eventually it does add up. Do we win something? It feels like surviving everything we have, we should. Long-term abuse, alcoholism, severe illnesses, heart diseases, almost dying 5 times in the past ten years.

And we're still here.

Today, there's been some moments of clarity and introspection. Along with the nightmares and flashbacks to being raped, there's also at times abandonment and trying to keep a sense of positive focus.

Like I told a mental health source earlier today, I don't want to die from anger. Anger at either the psychos that raped me and got away with it, or those that laughed at me and treated me like dirt.

Just trying to keep some sense of balance.