Keeping Some Sense of Control

The longer you stay clean, the more backed up trauma comes out. For the past few days, it's either nightmares or now adrenalin surges. You try to focus and keep some smooth chi flow in your body. However, at times you don't have any feeling in different parts of your body. Right now it takes me about three minutes to put my shoes on. Why? Because I have to focus really hard to keep some sense of focus and sensation in them.

What are all of the reasons for this happening? We're no sure. Having said that, we know we're on the right track in our holistic healing. Almost 6 months now with no caffeine. Maybe the adrenalin surges happen because of stimulant withdrawl? Not sure.

You fight to not black out from dissociating. Anger is also tough to not give into. What keep sme from attacking everybody who gets in my way? Aside form jail time, also not wanting to sink down to someone else's disfunctional level.

It's all connected.

Paying Attention to Our Balance

Another night of almost no sleep. Had more nightmares where you want to scream, but you can't for about ten seconds. We almost called a crisis line because we thought, are we insane? I'm not psycotic or a danger to anybody. So why is this happening?

It's happening because it's backed up traumatic energy that hasn't been dealt with. It has to come out, and as long as your system is healthy it will. That still doesn't take away the terror.

Stat away from chemicals as much as possible. Be nice to yourself. Set boundaries where necessary. Another one is to block and delete when needed online. It's okay to not be on call to everyone 24/7. Nobody's paying me to do that. Which means it's okay to say no.

Some tea and then an early night in.

How Your Balance Today?

While the laptop at home recharges, we're working online on someone else's desktop. If all else fails, work off the I-phone. Overkill? You be the judge.

We're really trying to pay attention to how things affect you. Don't assume that everything is second nature, and that's okay. Instead, ask do I really need to do this? Does this make me feel good, or run down?

We didn't do that for a long time. A lot was a vicious cycle to escape pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest parts of our healing. For a long time, lots of destructive dissociating stuff was normal. Now, don't do it.

Does this mean that one or maybe more of my multiples are lashing out because of this change? We're not sure. However, the pain is there. Also, seeing lots of hypocracy everywhere we look.

Are we the only ones who see this? No. At times though, it feels like it.

We just want a sense of balance. No death wish. No desire to hurt either ourselves or anyone else.

What do we do now?

Struggling with Addictions and More

Another day with fighting dissociating and trying to keep some sense of balance. Do you struggle with lots of addictions? Whether you do or not, keep in mind the reasons why people have them.

Is it because you're genetically pre-disposed? Is that were true, every single person in a group would be affected.

People have addictions to escape pain. However, your first thought that it will let you escape pain is wrong. It only makes things worse.

We have about five or six different addictions, in addition to PTSD symptoms. Then again, it's not our fault. As long as we stay as generally as we can, we'll be okay. It's not our fault.

How Do You Deal With It?

As you heal from your trauma history, how do you deal with PTSD symptoms? We feel like all of the pain from fighting a long history of abuse is coming out. We try not to torture ourselves, and to face this head on as best we can.

We're talking about a long history of abuse. Rampant alcoholism. A severe junk food habit. Several anit depressant addictions. Severe illnesses ranging from pneumonia to bronchitis and heart disease.

Despite all of that, we're still here. Trying to keep a sense of balance. Not perfectionism, but balanceu

Lots of Emptiness and Pain

There are moments of clarity. Also, there's ots of pain.It feels like all the backed up pain from being a rapre survivor is flooding out. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. Go thru the motions, and the pain is still there.

However, it's not our fault. We did nothing wrong.We stretch out and try to pay attention to how we feel. But the pain and dissociating are still there.

What's Real and What Isn't

Another day of trying to not dissociate and keep some sense of focus. At times, you don't know what's real and what isn't. This means thoroughly checking out the area to make sure that you're safe. Because what else can you do?

We're just trying to basically stay as healthy as we can. The nightmares and sick and twisted lucid dreams still happen as well. On the other hand, none of it is abnormal. It's all part of healing from a long history of untreated severe abuse.