Note: This blog talks about one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
How's YOUR day? Busy with the job hunting and building up the online content/profit. One thing that's helping is to stay off caffeine as much as possible. Instead, use lots of water and Goji juice. It's good for your immune system and helps to keep you centered.
The symptoms are still coming. At times it's like bits of sound and other stuff come out of nowhere. And you have to focus really hard to push back and not disappear into dissociating. Does this happen to anyone else? If ys, how do you cope with that? And everything else?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Post 100 and counting....
Happy 100th post to you and yours. Busy these days looking for the better job. Bulding up online income. Dealing with symptoms that the rest of the world can't be bothered with. And staying away from triggers as much as possible.
More intergration is starting to happen. But the bad part of that is we're getting bombarded with flashbacks and bits of sound from many different situations and people. It's a real pain in the ass to fight hearing Muzak from hell in your head all day long. You try to ground yourself as much as possible. But what happens if that doesn't help?
Sometimes the homicidal anger comes out and you feel like you're going to snap. Sometimes you feel like you're going to black out.
Does any of this happen to you?
More intergration is starting to happen. But the bad part of that is we're getting bombarded with flashbacks and bits of sound from many different situations and people. It's a real pain in the ass to fight hearing Muzak from hell in your head all day long. You try to ground yourself as much as possible. But what happens if that doesn't help?
Sometimes the homicidal anger comes out and you feel like you're going to snap. Sometimes you feel like you're going to black out.
Does any of this happen to you?
Monday, February 16, 2009
A Good Monday
NOTE: This blog is one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.
It really is Monday. Tomorrow Obama signs the new Bailout. And there's a little more integration today. So we'll see how it develops.
It really is Monday. Tomorrow Obama signs the new Bailout. And there's a little more integration today. So we'll see how it develops.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Time to Catch Up
Note: This blog contains occasional "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) that might be disturbing to trauma survivors. This deals with one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.
What's up in your world these days? Sorry to be away for a while. It's been looking for the new job, trying to make money online with new sites, symptoms and more.
The past few weeks have been brutal. For a while literally every day it was get hammered with flashbacks and lucid dreams. It's like someobody's beating you down and it's like, f**k you. I can do any f*****g thing I please. You scream and try everything you can to focus and stay grounded. But nothing helps. So you get in your car and go someplace quiet and scream for a few hours until you think you'll collapse. Then you go home and it starts all over again.
My therapist keeps saying it's backed up trauma and needs to come out. But what happens to having one day without symptoms? Will that ever happen?
And now, maybe the adrenalin wore off. And now I can barely move my left arm much of the time. Nothing's broken. But still what do you do when at times the anger is homicidal?
Does this happen to you? How do YOU deal with this?
What's up in your world these days? Sorry to be away for a while. It's been looking for the new job, trying to make money online with new sites, symptoms and more.
The past few weeks have been brutal. For a while literally every day it was get hammered with flashbacks and lucid dreams. It's like someobody's beating you down and it's like, f**k you. I can do any f*****g thing I please. You scream and try everything you can to focus and stay grounded. But nothing helps. So you get in your car and go someplace quiet and scream for a few hours until you think you'll collapse. Then you go home and it starts all over again.
My therapist keeps saying it's backed up trauma and needs to come out. But what happens to having one day without symptoms? Will that ever happen?
And now, maybe the adrenalin wore off. And now I can barely move my left arm much of the time. Nothing's broken. But still what do you do when at times the anger is homicidal?
Does this happen to you? How do YOU deal with this?
Friday, January 23, 2009
Feeling Really Raw
This blog talks about one person's fight against ptsd from being raped. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. But also to never hurt anyone. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
How's your week? What's up with the Great Global Bailout? The latest I've heard is that the States share of it is $50 trillion. Not the $1 trillion that the Treasury Dept. keeps talking about (and has no idea where it is or where it's going). So how will we pay for all of this? Not sure.
How are you coping with PTSD? Everything feels really raw right now. I do all the positive stuff(exercise, be proactive, herbs, green tea). But despite all of that at times adrenlain surges feel like I'm going to snap. Dissociating still happens. Which means as much as possible avoid triggers. No news, no TV, radio is edited. Online stuff is edited. At times it's just too much.
Sometimes in the middle of the night horrible lucid dreams happen. I can't escape and someone's come to rape and then kill me. You fight back and then when you feel like you're going to pass out suddnely you get some relief. My therapist keeps saying that it's your body's way of re-balancing. But when it feels like this happens every day, at the end of that day what do you do?
I literally have nowhere else to go at the moment in the 3-D world. Online, I'm still looking for a new support group. After the last two I'm very cautious. I've even thought about starting my own PTSD helpline. But to really make it work it takes time to advertise it. And then the cost as well (if you have a big demand). 800 numbers(despite the recession) still are expensive (roughly .50 a minute). And with cuts happening all over, how do you fund that? Beg, grants and maybe Pay Pal donations (that's the real long shot).
How do handle the anger that feels like you're going to snap in two? Comments please.
How's your week? What's up with the Great Global Bailout? The latest I've heard is that the States share of it is $50 trillion. Not the $1 trillion that the Treasury Dept. keeps talking about (and has no idea where it is or where it's going). So how will we pay for all of this? Not sure.
How are you coping with PTSD? Everything feels really raw right now. I do all the positive stuff(exercise, be proactive, herbs, green tea). But despite all of that at times adrenlain surges feel like I'm going to snap. Dissociating still happens. Which means as much as possible avoid triggers. No news, no TV, radio is edited. Online stuff is edited. At times it's just too much.
Sometimes in the middle of the night horrible lucid dreams happen. I can't escape and someone's come to rape and then kill me. You fight back and then when you feel like you're going to pass out suddnely you get some relief. My therapist keeps saying that it's your body's way of re-balancing. But when it feels like this happens every day, at the end of that day what do you do?
I literally have nowhere else to go at the moment in the 3-D world. Online, I'm still looking for a new support group. After the last two I'm very cautious. I've even thought about starting my own PTSD helpline. But to really make it work it takes time to advertise it. And then the cost as well (if you have a big demand). 800 numbers(despite the recession) still are expensive (roughly .50 a minute). And with cuts happening all over, how do you fund that? Beg, grants and maybe Pay Pal donations (that's the real long shot).
How do handle the anger that feels like you're going to snap in two? Comments please.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Fighting Not to Dissociate
This blog talks about one person's fight against PTSD from being raped. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If this bothers you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
How's your week? I'm trying really hard to stay away from triggers as much as possible. Dissociating still happens. And at times it feels like you're getting beaten down all the time. Horrible flashbacks and it's like everything's exploding all at once.
I meditate, use my herbs and try to do as much healthy stuff as possible. But sometimes you feel like you're hanging on the edge.
My therapist keeps saying that everything is flooding out and it will even out. But sometimes I wonder about that. One minute we feel ok. The next minute we think we're going to scream and fall apart.
How do others treat you as a survivor? Being a guy survivor, I try not to dwell on the feeling that nobody wants to be bothered. But sometimes it's a real challenge to do it. To not give into the homical anger and kill everybody who gets in your way.
Thanks for the comments. Please link this blog everywhere you can.
How's your week? I'm trying really hard to stay away from triggers as much as possible. Dissociating still happens. And at times it feels like you're getting beaten down all the time. Horrible flashbacks and it's like everything's exploding all at once.
I meditate, use my herbs and try to do as much healthy stuff as possible. But sometimes you feel like you're hanging on the edge.
My therapist keeps saying that everything is flooding out and it will even out. But sometimes I wonder about that. One minute we feel ok. The next minute we think we're going to scream and fall apart.
How do others treat you as a survivor? Being a guy survivor, I try not to dwell on the feeling that nobody wants to be bothered. But sometimes it's a real challenge to do it. To not give into the homical anger and kill everybody who gets in your way.
Thanks for the comments. Please link this blog everywhere you can.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The First in 2009
Happy 2009. This blog deals with one person's fight against horrible PSTD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. Sometimes "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) are used to get points across. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Have a good New Year's? How's it so far? Feels like turmoil everywhere you look.
My holidays were rough. Lots of horrible dissociating and time in my car screaming. I thought about drinking a few times. And about suicide. But I'm still here.
As I was sitting there bashing my steering wheel and fighting not to disappear, we kept saying, we're not going to die. We're not going to just roll over and dissociate forever. If we don't fight back, we're afraid that we'll snap and seriously hurt or kill someone.
We fight to not dissociate. We fight to not have flashbacks or lucid dreams. We called a hotline to try and get help. And they said, stop calling so much because you're abusing this line for "free therapy." Which is totally not true. I only call when it's absolutely necessary.
What are we supposed to do? It feels like everywhere we go people don't listen or have some stupid cutbacks to deal with. And they don't say that upfront which can add even more stress.
Are you dealing with the same stuff? How do you cope with this? If we don't fight back it's like being raped all over again. It's like the sick asshole that raped us is laughing and saying I'm gonna f**k you till you die. And nobody gives a s**t either.
We are not going to just roll over and die. We are not going to just roll over and dissociate forever.
Have a good New Year's? How's it so far? Feels like turmoil everywhere you look.
My holidays were rough. Lots of horrible dissociating and time in my car screaming. I thought about drinking a few times. And about suicide. But I'm still here.
As I was sitting there bashing my steering wheel and fighting not to disappear, we kept saying, we're not going to die. We're not going to just roll over and dissociate forever. If we don't fight back, we're afraid that we'll snap and seriously hurt or kill someone.
We fight to not dissociate. We fight to not have flashbacks or lucid dreams. We called a hotline to try and get help. And they said, stop calling so much because you're abusing this line for "free therapy." Which is totally not true. I only call when it's absolutely necessary.
What are we supposed to do? It feels like everywhere we go people don't listen or have some stupid cutbacks to deal with. And they don't say that upfront which can add even more stress.
Are you dealing with the same stuff? How do you cope with this? If we don't fight back it's like being raped all over again. It's like the sick asshole that raped us is laughing and saying I'm gonna f**k you till you die. And nobody gives a s**t either.
We are not going to just roll over and die. We are not going to just roll over and dissociate forever.
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