This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being repeatedly raped. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors and more) to get points across. But never to hurt other survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Back to it. And so far it seems to be ok. Yesterday was an endless battle to not dissociate. You scream and fight to not disappear. But what happens when you try everything you can to stay grounded and you still have to fight? I really don't want to sink down to the level of the sick assholes that treated me like s**t.
How do you deal with a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism? If you dissociate, sometimes it takes FOREVER to get past that. Also, if you go out someplace and everything is heightened awareness, how do you cope with that?
We'll see how it goes.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Fighting Dissociating
This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being raped. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get a point across. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Went to therapy and we're still using EMDR. My multiples and little kid still agree that this is a helpful thing to do (to face being raped head on). But the bad part is the despair. Why did we get raped? How come nobody pays attention. Everywhere you turn you're screaming for help. But nobody cares because the whole world is s**t. So shut the f**k up and you fix it. Because if you don't you'll die. And nobody gives a s**t about your thoughts, feelings, desires and more.
So what do you do then? I'll turn and silently scream instead of causing a scene with others. Because they obviously don't give a f**k about us.
When animals have severe trauma, they shake violently when they dissociate to try and fight back to a sense of balance. Imagine doing that every day for about 30 years to be able to cop. Nobody will acknowledge you or have any sense of empathy at all. So what do you do then?
Horrible flashbacks and dissociating still happen. My fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. Which means you have to fight really hard to keep your balance. Because you have no other choice.
You fight all day plus go to work and do everything else that you need to do. What do you do at the end of the day when you're totally wiped out? Nobody will listen to you (other than your therapist or if you're lucky a helpline with people who don't judge guy survivors). But right now those are few and far between.
We're not going to give into the anger and frustrattion. If we did we'd end up like all the sick m****rf*****s that treated us like s**t. And we'll never do that.
When you feel like an orphan and have nobody ever listen to you, touch you or reassure you, how do you cope with that?
Went to therapy and we're still using EMDR. My multiples and little kid still agree that this is a helpful thing to do (to face being raped head on). But the bad part is the despair. Why did we get raped? How come nobody pays attention. Everywhere you turn you're screaming for help. But nobody cares because the whole world is s**t. So shut the f**k up and you fix it. Because if you don't you'll die. And nobody gives a s**t about your thoughts, feelings, desires and more.
So what do you do then? I'll turn and silently scream instead of causing a scene with others. Because they obviously don't give a f**k about us.
When animals have severe trauma, they shake violently when they dissociate to try and fight back to a sense of balance. Imagine doing that every day for about 30 years to be able to cop. Nobody will acknowledge you or have any sense of empathy at all. So what do you do then?
Horrible flashbacks and dissociating still happen. My fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. Which means you have to fight really hard to keep your balance. Because you have no other choice.
You fight all day plus go to work and do everything else that you need to do. What do you do at the end of the day when you're totally wiped out? Nobody will listen to you (other than your therapist or if you're lucky a helpline with people who don't judge guy survivors). But right now those are few and far between.
We're not going to give into the anger and frustrattion. If we did we'd end up like all the sick m****rf*****s that treated us like s**t. And we'll never do that.
When you feel like an orphan and have nobody ever listen to you, touch you or reassure you, how do you cope with that?
Friday, December 5, 2008
Friday Stuff
This blog is one person's fight against PSTD from being raped. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
How's your Friday? The Big 3 CEO's don't have thieir bailout. O.J. Simpson gets 15 years. Are you coping ok? I go back to therapy tonight. And EMDR is still helpful. But feels like an electric chair.
Do you use EMDR? How does it work for you?
How's your Friday? The Big 3 CEO's don't have thieir bailout. O.J. Simpson gets 15 years. Are you coping ok? I go back to therapy tonight. And EMDR is still helpful. But feels like an electric chair.
Do you use EMDR? How does it work for you?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Late Nght Thoughts
This blog deals with one person's battle against PTSD from repeated rape. Occasionally sights, sounds and other stuff (known as "triggers") are used to get points across. But never to intentionally hurt other survivors. If this bothers you, stop now. Otherwise, continue and thanks for the comments and support.
Late night thoughts for you. How do you cope with keeping a positive balance when there's so much stress everywhere?
Here are some things that are helping in a way. If these sound basic, excuse me. But it's worth mentioning them from time to time:
Avoid sugar, junk food and caffeine as much as possible.
Make yourself do some type of exercise every day. If you have adrenalin surges, you need to get that energy out in a positive way.
Meditation
Tai chi is helpful also. Other forms (karate, ju-jitsu, etc.) have different techniques and goals. Tai-chi seems to be the best for managing your chi in a balanced way.
Avoid triggers as much as possible. Trust your intuition that no, I don't need to see this.
Try to fine tune your intuition as much as you can. One tip: the less junk you put into your body (in every sense of the word), the sharper it will be. If you don't, it feels like you're picking up everybody's thoughts, feelings and more.
Where it's necessary, cut yourself off from hurtful people/places. It's the old 12 Step Group idea of survival. Because the truth is that at times, it's necessary to do that. You're not responsible for what others do and say. And, if you don't protect yourself, nobody else will. A few people may try to be concerned. But in the end you have to do it.
How do you cope when it feels like you're going to snap? I try to meditate. But sometimes the trauma flooding out is too much. And what do you do then? You fight symptoms all day long (and work and everything else). At the end of the day, what do you do then?
If you have suggestions, please post them.
Late night thoughts for you. How do you cope with keeping a positive balance when there's so much stress everywhere?
Here are some things that are helping in a way. If these sound basic, excuse me. But it's worth mentioning them from time to time:
Avoid sugar, junk food and caffeine as much as possible.
Make yourself do some type of exercise every day. If you have adrenalin surges, you need to get that energy out in a positive way.
Meditation
Tai chi is helpful also. Other forms (karate, ju-jitsu, etc.) have different techniques and goals. Tai-chi seems to be the best for managing your chi in a balanced way.
Avoid triggers as much as possible. Trust your intuition that no, I don't need to see this.
Try to fine tune your intuition as much as you can. One tip: the less junk you put into your body (in every sense of the word), the sharper it will be. If you don't, it feels like you're picking up everybody's thoughts, feelings and more.
Where it's necessary, cut yourself off from hurtful people/places. It's the old 12 Step Group idea of survival. Because the truth is that at times, it's necessary to do that. You're not responsible for what others do and say. And, if you don't protect yourself, nobody else will. A few people may try to be concerned. But in the end you have to do it.
How do you cope when it feels like you're going to snap? I try to meditate. But sometimes the trauma flooding out is too much. And what do you do then? You fight symptoms all day long (and work and everything else). At the end of the day, what do you do then?
If you have suggestions, please post them.
A Symptom Free Day?
This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being raped. If reading "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) bothers you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And thanks for your comments and links.
Is it finally a symptom free day? In some ways there's a little more stability. I'm really trying to stay off caffeine and sugar. And then see what happens.
Is it finally a symptom free day? In some ways there's a little more stability. I'm really trying to stay off caffeine and sugar. And then see what happens.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Fighting Thru
This blog talks about one person's fight against PTSD from repeated rape. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get important points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, continue and thanks for your support.
It's December 1st. The Dow is down almost 700 points. We are now "officially" in a recession in the States. Can this get any weirder? Was your holiday weekend good? For me, a lot of it was fighting nasty dissociating and adrenalin surges. Also, your fight-or-flight mechanism is a big problem too. I still have problems getting past that block. When you feel like everything is caving in on you, what do you do then?
My therapist says, ground yourself as best you can. But even if you do that, you still get hit from all sides. You fight to focus because you know you have no choice. However, what happens when the despair hits? And you feel like the rest of the world says f**k off, mate. Nobody cares about you.
What do yo do then? Hurting yourself won't help anything. But then again, nobody has the time or the patience to listen. I realize that not all therapist worldwide are exactly the same. Many do good things. However, when you feel like you're getting the I-don't-care-about-you attitude, what do you do then? You don't exist, f**k heath insurance, you deal with it. I can help you. But first read all of my best sellers(on sale now for $29.95) before we start.
And some people actually say "we have the greatest health care in the world in the States." How much is their retainer from the HMO and drug company lobbies?
It's double standards everywhere. It amazes me that many people JUST CAN'T BE BOTHERED to deal with the fact that yes, they're really are male rape survivors. No, they're not all gay, they're not all somehow inferior to everybody else, etc. But right now, they're your worst nightmare, right? Which means you can't be bothered.
Why can't someone take 1 minute out of "their incredibly hectic day" and say, I'm sorry you were raped. And then give them a hug?:
I don't know you that well.
I don't want to be sued.
I can't be bothered.
I don't know what to say. So I'll take the easy way out.
If it seems like the whole world can't be bothered, is it any suprise that more people don't come forward? No disrespect to women survivors. But what's the point if nobody will show even a tiny amount of basic human decency?
I don't get it.
It's December 1st. The Dow is down almost 700 points. We are now "officially" in a recession in the States. Can this get any weirder? Was your holiday weekend good? For me, a lot of it was fighting nasty dissociating and adrenalin surges. Also, your fight-or-flight mechanism is a big problem too. I still have problems getting past that block. When you feel like everything is caving in on you, what do you do then?
My therapist says, ground yourself as best you can. But even if you do that, you still get hit from all sides. You fight to focus because you know you have no choice. However, what happens when the despair hits? And you feel like the rest of the world says f**k off, mate. Nobody cares about you.
What do yo do then? Hurting yourself won't help anything. But then again, nobody has the time or the patience to listen. I realize that not all therapist worldwide are exactly the same. Many do good things. However, when you feel like you're getting the I-don't-care-about-you attitude, what do you do then? You don't exist, f**k heath insurance, you deal with it. I can help you. But first read all of my best sellers(on sale now for $29.95) before we start.
And some people actually say "we have the greatest health care in the world in the States." How much is their retainer from the HMO and drug company lobbies?
It's double standards everywhere. It amazes me that many people JUST CAN'T BE BOTHERED to deal with the fact that yes, they're really are male rape survivors. No, they're not all gay, they're not all somehow inferior to everybody else, etc. But right now, they're your worst nightmare, right? Which means you can't be bothered.
Why can't someone take 1 minute out of "their incredibly hectic day" and say, I'm sorry you were raped. And then give them a hug?:
I don't know you that well.
I don't want to be sued.
I can't be bothered.
I don't know what to say. So I'll take the easy way out.
If it seems like the whole world can't be bothered, is it any suprise that more people don't come forward? No disrespect to women survivors. But what's the point if nobody will show even a tiny amount of basic human decency?
I don't get it.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Flexibility is the Key
This blog is one person's fight to survive and heal from PTSD from repeated rape. Sometimes "triggers" are used to make points. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Sometimes you're frustrated because you don't know where to go. For guy survivors, it's worse because nobody will take you seriously. If you're a woman survivor, that's different. But for guys, nobody will acknowledge you.
So how do you not sink to that level of anger and frustration? If you feel like an orphan, how do you keep your balance?
First, as best you can, try to face this head on. Deal with what you can. Everything all at once is just too difficult. My multiples and little kid trust me more. But even with EMDR, they're scared because how do you deal with NOBODY CAES? Unfortunately that's the truth. And it will never change.
We choose to go on as positively as possible. We do all the positive holistic stuff. Still though, at times the despair hits. The whole world isn't beating on your ass saying WE DON'T LIKE YOU. But it feels like it.
What helps you to deal with this? Feel free to post your comments. If you know of other helpful links, please post those as well. The number of links here is starting to go up. Keep plugging away and peace.
Sometimes you're frustrated because you don't know where to go. For guy survivors, it's worse because nobody will take you seriously. If you're a woman survivor, that's different. But for guys, nobody will acknowledge you.
So how do you not sink to that level of anger and frustration? If you feel like an orphan, how do you keep your balance?
First, as best you can, try to face this head on. Deal with what you can. Everything all at once is just too difficult. My multiples and little kid trust me more. But even with EMDR, they're scared because how do you deal with NOBODY CAES? Unfortunately that's the truth. And it will never change.
We choose to go on as positively as possible. We do all the positive holistic stuff. Still though, at times the despair hits. The whole world isn't beating on your ass saying WE DON'T LIKE YOU. But it feels like it.
What helps you to deal with this? Feel free to post your comments. If you know of other helpful links, please post those as well. The number of links here is starting to go up. Keep plugging away and peace.
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