How to Cope With The Fear

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers"(sights, sounds, phrases and more) that migh upset trauma survivors. They're only used to help make a point. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, continue and thanks for your support.

Another meeting tonight with my multiples and little kid. And everything feels black. How come nobody loves us? I do. Then how come nobody else does? How come nobody ever touches us and says I'm sorry you were raped? Will it always be like this?

And then I say, I hope not. I wish I could gurantee that. But I'm always here for you. How else do you respond to that? How do you cope with a lifetime of no contact, reassurance or feeling like there's hope of any kind?

You could say the usual, shut up and carry on. But unfortunately, the entire world doesn't walk in lockstep and obey every command given. So what do you do instead?

Slooging Your Way Thru Emptiness

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, etc.) that could be upsetting to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.

Went to therapy today, and at times it was very frustrating. You feel like you're making progress. And then you hear a lot of stuff that you already now. Which then makes you think, bloody hell. Why am I here? My multiples and little kid still have lots of fears:

Will anybody ever listen?
How come nobody wants to stop and pay attention?
Will anybody ever touch us and say, we're sorry you were raped?

We fight hard to focus and not dissociate. But sometimes it's almost like you have to FOCUS HARD and punch out a wall or something to do it. My therapist says that things will continue to get even more extreme before they even out.

So what are we supposed to do in the meantime? I go out someplace and start to cry. It's sunny and you think it will be ok. But you sit in the middle of the store and cry. People walk by you. What do you do? How do you look cool and calm on the outside when you want to kill them on the inside?

Dissociating, adrenalin surges and the other symptoms still happen. But at times you feel like the entire world is screaming at you: WE DON'T GIVE A F**K ABOUT YOU! What do you do then?

Lots of Fear Tonight

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers" (sights, sounds, key words/phrases and more). These could be potentially upsetting to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading. If not, keep going and I hope this helps you in some way.

Lots of sadness and fear tonight. My multiples and little kid feel like everything is beating them down. I try to tell them, I don't know why everybody treats us like s**t. How could people be that sick? I don't know. You feel paralyzed and think, what do we do now? Dissociating and adrenalin surges still happen as well. You feel like you're going to snap and don't know what to do. But it seems like the whole world says, shut the f**k up and YOU fix it! Don't waste my time with your s**t.

How do you keep going when you feel paralyzed? We feel sad, we cry. And we fight when the nightmares and lucid dreams happen. If we have to, we take a knife or any weapon we have and check everywhere to make sure its safe. Then we sit with it nearby, just in case we need it. If anybody ever tries to rape us again, we'll f*****g kill them. We'll cut them into a million little pieces and then throw them out the front door.

You laugh at us. You treat us like s**t. But f**k you if you think you'll EVER f*****g rape us again.

Fighting Back Against Emptiness

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers". These are sights, sounds, key words or phrases and more. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and please pass this onto anybody else it could help.

Had another meeting with my multiples and little kid. The emptiness is still there and we wonder, will it always be there? We go thru the motions and still the teror is there. Nobody listens, nobody cares. Nobody wants to be seen with you, touch you or reassure you in any way. You go thru the motions and wonder, what do I do now?

My therapist says that eventually things will improve. But still the fear and terror won't go away. I wonder if he has nightmares?

Trying to Cope with Emptiness

NOTE: Ths blog contains explicit language and "triggers" which can be harmful to some trauma survivors:

sights
sounds, colors
key words and phrases
music samples
loud noises and more

If these bother you, protect yourself and stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And thanks for support.

There's lots of emptiness today. At first, dissociating was harsh. But then after that, everything feels empty. You go thru the motions and you know that you have things to do. But you feel like, what do I do now?

Nobody listens and you feel like the pressure keeps building. But you're at the bottom of the list. There are vets with PTSD. Women rape victims with PSTD. And then the rest of us. Nobody wants to listen. But at the same time you're told, you need to get help. You did this, so you fix it. How did I do this? I asked to be raped? I asked to be treated like s**t for years? And everybody says, nobody cares what you think or feel. So just shut the f**k up.

Maybe it's a nice day. And suddenly you fall down and start to cry. In a crowded place. What do you then? You feel like the whole world says f**k off and die. So why should you care about me now? What do you REALLY want?

At times I really have to be careful. Triggers are still everywhere. And you can be bombarded with other people's thoughts. When you finally feel like you can have some calm for a change, you're back to that emptiness. And what do you do then?

The Multiples and My Little Kid Have Lots of Fears

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers" to get key points across. These can be many things:

sights
sounds
colors
music samples
key words or phrases
and more

If these bother you, stop reading. Otherwise, continue and thanks for your support.

The pressure continues to build. Pick an issue: Obama and Hillary, Rev. Wright, the recession, attacking Iran and more. I really try to stay away from as many triggers as possible. But at times my intuiton has trouble sorting it all out. It's like reading the subtitles in what someone does or says. If you're in a crowded room, multiply that by ten or twenty. I still want to snap (usually in a crowded place). And I think, what do I do? If there's nowhere to hide and you see someone else, what do I do? You try to look cool and calm on the outside. But on the inside you feel like you're going to snap.

Then, when you try to get help, it still feels like nobody wants anything to do with you. Guys who are rape survivors and non vets are at the bottom of the food chain. Vets and women who have trauma are a step up. But as for the rest of you, just disappear and die. Nobody wants to be around you as you freak us out. So just hide in the corner and do us all a favor. We're trying to eat here, ok?

My therapist and I talk about never having a family. Biologically you do. But beyond that, no. We think, how can anybody be that f*****g sick to their own kid. We cry and wonder, can we trust anybody? Is EVERYBODY in the world like this? What do we do then? Now it seems like the gap between the haves and the have nots gets bigger all the time. Almost all women survivors I try to talk to want nothing to do with me. Because I'm a guy who got repeatedly raped. And there's no freaking catagory in society for people like that.

Did you know that there are many therapists out there who think PTSD is a scam? In the military, it's a draft dodge. You try to get help, and what happens. PTSD is a joke, so go away. I don't deal with insurance bulls**t. So you deal with it. You struggle with dissociating and all the other symptoms. But nobody has the time to deal with you. You were stupid enough to get f****d in the ass more than once. So you fix it. I won't tolerate your stupidity or f*****g weakness. Just go away.

My therapist says, if I died tomorrow, the family would care. And I honestly don't know if that's true or not. Up until now, you can't be bothered to deal with my s**t. So why should I trust you now? Why would you suddenly change and actually give a f**k about what happens to me?

How do I deal with this? I compartmentalize and that helps some to cope. Because being a parent is a priviledge and not a right. But some m****rf*****s don't know s**t about that.

How Far Can You Bend Before You Snap?

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers" to help get points across:

sights
sounds
colors
key phrases and more

If these bother you, stop now. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.

Haven't been to therapy in a while for many reasons. The expense and my therapist is busy. Tomorrow I'll go back and talk about the dissociating.

Right now it's really severe and at times I don't know what to do. Lots of flashbacks still happen, and I have to fight to focus. Is this real or not? Where am I? I scream, I cry, I punch out walls or anything close to me. And once I even thought about suicide. But I won't do that.

If I did, I'd be giving all those m****rf*****s the satisfaction of saying, see, I told you he was a pathetic f**k up! Stupid piece of s**t. And I'll never do that. My multiples and little kid keep asking, how come nobody cares? I don't know what to say. But I do know compartmentalizing helps to cope. Still, when I feel like killing the checkout person, what do I do then?