Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Don't Dissociate

Fight symptoms all day long and don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to black out and have no idea of where you are. Tomorrow more doctor appointments. We'll talk to the psychiatrist about this.

Protect yourself.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Symptoms and Don't Black Out

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. Protect yourself and set boundaries. It's not your fault.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Symptoms and Exhaustion

Fight symptoms and exhaustion. Don't dissociate. At times you feel empty and don't know what to do. But in general terms you're following the right things.

Protect yourself.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Don't Dissociate

A long day of fighting symptoms and to not black out. Also, to face the fact that after being repeatedly raped by three psycho rapists, I had an addiction to soft core porn for a long time to help survive the pain. But it just made it worse.

Now, I have nothing to hide behind anymore. The pain is always there. But I'm doing the right things. Protect yourself.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Post Op

Sorry to be off yesterday. Had a dentist appointment to pull an infected tooth. Lots of medication and then just go home and rest. Today, the swelling has gone down a lot. But, finish off all the prescribed pain meds in the meantime.

Fight to protect yourself. Set boundaries. Do you really need to look at.listen to/watch what you know is triggering? No you don't. Instead, do something else.

It's not your fault. But despair and abandonment are always there.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

Protect yourself as best you can. Today is one of those high dangerous triggering stuff days. If you watch TV, turn the sound down and just look at it. No commercials today. Be careful with the I-can-singlehandedly-save-the-world-by-myself mode of thinking. Exhaustion is always there. But you have to fight back. You can't juts sit and do nothing.

Don't dissociate. Don't put yourself in a position where you black out and think that you'll escape pain, because you won't. It'll just make things worse.

You did nothing wrong. It's not your fault. But the pain never goes away.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Set Boundaries

Right now, we want peace and quiet. Too much triggering stuff on TV. Commercials on the radio? No. Too much triggering stimulus. Instead, protect yourself. Don't let your guard down and dissociate. It's kind of like thinking for  a second about having a drink again. Do you really want to go thru that pain again? No.

Protect yourself as best you can from others who say and do horrible things. Why do they do this? We don't know. But nobody forces them to say and do this. Which means that they deal with the consequences of their actions.

Pain is always there. You try the usual methods to ground yourself, and it's still there. You have to keep fighting back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

Lots of formerly favorite foods are violently triggering now. Sometimes going into a store is dangerous. You have to focus and try to protect yourself and others. How do I go in here and get out safely? How do I not black out and attack someone? Blackouts still happen.

Protect yourself as best you can.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Trying to Keep Some Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms and constant exhaustion. Leaving my house isn't the issue. It used to be. At times it took me almost fifteen minutes to actually walk out the door, close it, lock it and then walk away without dissociating and fighting adrenalin surges. But the symptoms are still there.

Being in confined spaces is still a problem. I get in my car and suddenly the psycho rapist is there. He tries to put he in a headlock and then cut my throat with his knife. I fight bak, break his grip and then kill him before he kills me. Now imagine fighting this all day long. Every day. In addition to everything else that's hitting you.

Pain is still there. Circulation pain, arthritic pain, body memory pain. I've never had a day completely free of pain. Completely free of symptoms. I don't know what that's like.

I don't want to dissociate. Don't set yourself up to black out and then have no idea what happened. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

Does feeling abandoned ever go away? I don't know.
I've only had two people since we got raped who actually gave us a reassuring hug and meant it when they said I'm sorry you were raped. What kind of effects does that have on somebody long term?

We're not mentally ill. We're not sick or a threat to anybody. We have health problems that we're trying to deal with as best we can.




Thursday, March 16, 2017

Protect Yourself

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Screen everything and protect yourself as best you can. The exhaustion is constant along with battling the symptoms. But what else can you do?

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Constant Exhaustion

Fight symptoms all day long. Don't dissociate. But exhaustion is always there. You try to pace yourself. But after ten minutes or so, you need to sit and rest. Despite that, don't dissociate.

The full reality of how much damage my trauma history has done is a constant struggle. But I know it's not our fault.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Emptiness and Exhaustion

Try to focus. Don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to slip and black out. We can do various things in the day. But exhaustion is always there. You have to have a break from constant stimulus. Some days, no TV at all. You feel like you're five steps ahead of everybody else. So why bother to look at it?

Protect yourself.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Fighting Fatigue

More symptoms and fatigue. Don't dissociate. Don't black out. Don't drop your guard and then have no idea of where you are. You have to protect yourself. But fatigue is always there.

How do you handle your pain? Do you feel abandoned? You have to be careful so as not to attack anybody else. Pain is always there. Arthritis is at times all over. But you have to face it as best you can.

Pain and exhaustion.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Endless Pain

Fight and don't dissociate. Don't put yourself in a position where you'll slip and black out. Pain is always there. You never get a break.

Part of it also is your immune system. My diet was so poisonous for so long that I'm still dealing with detoxifying from it. Your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your history. We did nothing wrong. But symptoms are always there.

Don't dissociate
Don't black out
Fight back
Protect yourself
Don't slip
You have to protect yourself

You just want to feel safe.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Don't Dissociate

A long day of fighting symptoms and pain. You have to protect yourself. You fight to maintain some sense of being grounded. But on bad days you feel one step away from offing yourself. You don't want to. But the thoughts are there.

We did nothing wrong. But we struggle with feeling abandoned and at times not knowing what to do. Dissociating puts enormous stress on your heart and circulation. Did a long history of violent unchecked dissociating (not by choice) severely damage my heart? It played a part.

But it's not our fault. You just want to protect your well being.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Fight to Not Black Out

Don't dissociate. Don't fall apart. You're not a threat to anybody. But exhaustion is always there.

You have to protect yourself. Set boundaries. It's not your fault. But pain is always there.

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Constant Exhaustion

Burnout is always there. You try to pace yourself to protect your overall well being. But the exhaustion is always there. Don't dissociate. You have to fight back and protect yourself.

It's always there.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

A Reflection of Your Trauma History

Fight symptoms all day long. Don't dissociate. Do something else so you won't drop your guard and fall apart. I'm not a danger to anybody. We're not abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

Protect yourself.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Emptiness

You try to focus and protect yourself. But lots of emptiness that you just can't shake off. On the other hand, you have to face your history and not let denial make things worse.

You did nothing wrong. You have no control over horrible people. Just protect your well being.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Face Your Trauma History

A long tough day of trying to face our trauma history without being injured by it. Horribly severe CDD (complex dissociative disorder) and psychosis every day. No escape. You know something's wrong. But nothing you do helps and nobody helps us. It's like torture every single day.

You can't give up because you'll fall apart and die. You have to fight back. It leads to a long list of problems:

chronic heart failure
alcoholism
permanent cirrhosis scarring
PTSD
psychotic symptoms that we still have
spinal arthritis
damage to your immune system genes

Nobody did anything to help us. Nobody ever asked anything. Nothing.

We don't want to die from anger. On the other hand, denial will only make things worse.

We did nothing wrong. We're not abnormal in any way. If other people want to be horrible, they have to live with the consequences of that. Not us.


We're not a danger to anyone. We're just trying to protect ourselves as best we can.



Friday, March 3, 2017

Don't Dissociate

Fight all day to not dissociate. Don't set yourself up to dissociate and black out. Protect yourself.

Constant exhaustion. But you keep going, because that's all there is to do.


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Symptoms, Burnout and More

More exhaustion as you struggle with symptoms. Trauma affects you on both a cellular and genetic level. Even with staying away from salt and sugar as much as possible burnout is still there.

Do I have fibromyalgia? No. Cancer, MS or something other than what I have now? I don't think so. But you do your best to protect yourself.

Enough for today.