Sunday, May 31, 2015

Focus, but Almost No Energy

Getting thru the day, but it takes an enormous amount of energy to do small things. Then, go to bed early. There's no one patient profile that fits everybody. But also, it's heart and PTSD symptoms, all at the same time.

Just rest.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Terrifying Thoughts (Contains extremely triggering content. Read at your own risk)

It's a daily struggle. Heart disease and PTSD symptoms. But also, at times you have horrible days with anger and thoughts about raping terrified little kids.

Just so it's clear:

I'm not a sociopath
I'm not psychotic
I'm not a pedophile
I'm not gay or bi-sexual
I'm not in to necrophilia, bestiality, or anything else like these

Having said all of that, why then do I still have these thoughts? When I do, I feel really terrified and sad. I walk out of the room, and try to reground myself. If that doesn't work, I just walk away. You have to do the responsible thing.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Protect Yourself

Lots of struggling with symptoms over the past few days. No matter what, don't dissociate. But it's still a battle. In the middle of the day, sometimes I turn everything off and just lie down. No noise, no bad news in the world, nothing. Just focus on how you feel and protect yourself.

The higher your stress, the more acidic your system is. Then, try to deal with not blacking out from anger. Right now, I just want to rest.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Back to Appointments

More appointments and symptoms to deal with. I see my cardiologist next week. But now I've gone back to exercising unless I have no energy or chest pain. If I don't, I'm worried that my heart function will go back down to 15%. Also, it helps to a certain degree with some PTSD symptoms. They're still there. But what else can you do?

Lots of anger and struggling to not black out.

Monday, May 25, 2015

A Break? Not Really

Sorry to be away for a while. The past few days have been totally exhausting, which made it extremely tough to do even the smallest things. Yesterday, one of the nephews graduated from high school. It was extremely tough to try  and not black out in a crowded place.

Now, we're really trying to pay attention to small things in how you feel. Lots of salt, sugar and acidic foods? You feel miserable. You try hard to not snap and black out from dissociating and anger. You have to set boundaries and try to protect yourself.

How do you deal with being bombarded with pain? On bad days we can barely move. Literally everything hurts. On the other hand, you can't sit back and do nothing.

You have to protect yourself.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Pay Attention to How You Feel

Instead of just blowing something off, pay attention to how you feel. Because of my heart disease, I can't handle big meals, lots of salt and sugar anymore. Also, it's draining fighting all of these symptoms. Which means trying to protect yourself.

Your health is both physical and mental.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Dissociating, Depression and More

The symptoms are still there. Also, constantly battling to not dissociate. It's like as you do, the reality of how violent and severe dissociating has been. You have to protect yourself. No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else.

You don't have a choice. You have to fight back to keep some sense of balance. You're getting bombarded with pain, and you can't just sit back and do nothing.

Don't dissociate. It only makes pain worse, and not easier.

It's not your fault.

You did nothing wrong.

You can't control what other horrible people say and do.

You almost feel paralyzed with despair. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

You have to protect yourself.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015


Last night, the two nieces graduated from high school. Next Sunday, one of the nephews does as well. Along with this come a million different emotions, flashbacks and more all at the same time. Today there's lots of sadness and feeling empty. Nobody helped me when I went thru my graduations. Imagine almost no noise at all as you walk up to get your diploma. You want to find and hold onto moments of happiness. But it's really hard to do when you've felt abandoned for so long.

Can I trust anybody? On the other hand, I'm trying to protect my well being. We just want to feel safe.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Don't Dissociate

While I'm on various benefits  to help me try to keep control over my life, I've been trying to find a cheaper place to live. That way I could qualify for a higher disability rate and cover all of my bills. Now it turns out the wait for public housing in this area is eighteen months to two years. Also, no long term assistance with rent and utilities.

Right now, I have no other place to go. This means keep trying to save as much money as possible. It's a horrible position to be in having no money and at the mercy of somebody else.

I can't just sit and listen or watch something non stop. I can only handle roughly thirty seconds before I need a break. It's too much stimulus to handle.

We just want to protect ourselves.

Sunday, May 17, 2015


Today's one of those turn-everything-off days. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You turn off all the noise, and try to feel safe in your own home.

But the despair is still there.

It's not the normal ups and downs of everyday life. You sit, and you feel like you can barely move. What do you do? You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. So you just sit.

It takes an enormous amount of energy to do small things. Then after each one, you sit down again and almost feel stuck. What then?

Last night was a real struggle to not dissociate. Today, at times you have moments of clarity. Then, despair. On the other hand, you don't have destructive things to hide behind anymore.

What's next?

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Protect Yourself

Staying at home for a while as I catch up on writing and other stuff. Then, time for lots of errands. Still no personal assistant. Which means I do everything myself.

How do you deal with your symptoms? Do you still feel bombarded with pain? One moment, you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, a million images hit you all at once. Your intuition feels like you can see all of the hypocracy in the world. You know everything that people will say, how they'll respond. Then, what happens after that. So why bother looking at any of it?

Since I got raped, I've never had one day free of symptoms. I don't know what it's like to wake up and not have to fight to not dissociate. Have you ever not felt abandoned? Have you ever felt like nobody can be bothered to listen to you? What do you do then?

You feel bombarded with non stop images and pain. You know that you're not crazy (whatever that means). You know you're not a threat to anybody. Yet, it still happens. You have to fight hard to not black out. Why? Because you don't have a choice.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But despite that, at times you have thoughts about death. You see yourself and then suddenly, what happens if you weren't around anymore? It's like part of you is saying to others who treated you like shit see what happens when I'm not around? What the fuck are you gonna do then? How will you assholes deal with THAT?

You don't want to feel burned out and like you're turning into a monster. You don't want to go back to alcoholism and other destructive stuff. But symptoms are still there.

Can you go thru one say with no dissociating? In my case, at times I feel like I have the worst migrane you can imagine. It's physically painful to not dissociate. Anger still lashes out, and you try to not snap in two as you struggle to deal with all of this.

I used to try to escape my own pain by taking on the pain of the rest of the world. Finally I just said I can't do it anymore. It doesn't mean you're not aware or don't care. Instead, you have to protect yourself.

It's like you have to fight really hard to protect your self worth. It feels like the rest of the world is trying to beat you down. What other choice do you have?

On really bad days, I just go home, turn everything off and get into bed. Then, I just rock back and forth to try and feel safe. You literally feel like you can't move because you're afraid of what happens then. You have flashbacks to the psychos who raped you and could have killed you.

Does that bother anyone who says they care about you? You could have been killed. Does that matter to you?

You just want to feel safe.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

You Just Want to Rest

Finally got thru the doctor appointments this week. On the other hand, symptoms are still a daily struggle. By the end of the day, I can barely move. But you have to keep going.

Talked to my doctor today about trying to follow holistic ideas in your health (health being both physical and mental). Every day despite trying to keep some sense of being grounded, I still get bombarded with pain. If I have a choice, I'd rather not take lots of medication. One reason is because I'm not a case study for testing a new drug. Not always, but many times when a doctor talks about something is safe, you immediately say says who? It's been studied and peer reviewed. Next questions. By who? Was this study paid for by the manufacturer? It wouldn't be the first time.

Aside from a major back operation and some outpatient surgery, I've been lucky in not needing to have further operations. I just trying to protect myself overall. One reason: I've had better luck with holistic health than with traditional treatments.

Time for a break.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015


Two appointments out of the way. Two more to go this week. In the meantime, I'm also trying to get new blood tests. One is for allergies. the other is for cortisol levels. It's been a long time since I've had the allergy one done. I've never had the cortisol one done, despite everything that's happened and continues to happen to me.

Not in an obsessive way, but I'm trying to take a holistic approach to my health (along with necessary medication and more). For a long time, after I was repeatedly raped NOBODY helped me in person. Nobody said, were you raped? No cops came into the room and saved me from the psycho pedophile. The pressure builds and builds. To try and escape pain, you drink too much. You use soft core porn and online hookers. But none of this works.

Your diet is totally poisoning your system. Tons of salt, sugar, caffeine, and you keep using more and more to escape pain. But it doesn't work.

You feel like you can't trust anybody. Nobody ever helped me before.So, why would they do it now?

My first therapist actually said, I've been treating trauma survivors for almost 30 years, This is the worst case of trauma I've ever seen. I'm surprised you didn't kill yourself years ago from the horrible stress. How do I respond to that?

You have to fight back. Every day is abuse. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Your system can only take so much. Eventually, you start to burn out. But despite that, you can't let your guard down. If you do, you'll fall apart. Everybody who laughed at you and treated you like shit will gang up on you and beat you down.

What else can you do?

Now, I'm trying to face my trauma history as best I can. You have to protect yourself. But, face your pain as best you can.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Trying to Focus

A busy week's coming up with 3 doctor appointments. Symptoms are still there, and occasionally nightmares as well. If not nightmares, then it's just feeling run down all the time. It's like having MS and fibromyalgia all at the same time.

How do you deal with flashbacks and paralyzing despair? May is graduation month, and of course that means a million different emotions all at the same time. In my case, it's a real struggle at times to try and find positive things in the past (much less hold onto them once you do find them). Two nieces and one nephew are graduating, and I try to be as supportive as possible. At the same time, you feel sad and ask how come I didn't have happiness? How come nobody helped me? Where's my sense of justice? Ever feel like you've had to deal with your trauma history all by yourself? Some days I just curl up and cry all day long. You just don't know what else to do.

Dissociating's still a non-stop battle. It's been a while since I blacked out. But the last time it almost happened, I almost had a car accident. It's like you feel you're this close to blacking out, and have to fight really hard to not do it. At other times it's literally hold onto something solid all day and do nothing else.

What else can you do?

Adrenalin surges never stop as well. Or, just when you think they do they start to happen again. Since I got raped, I've never had one day without symptoms.

I don't know what that's like.

You go into a crowded place, and you feel like you're being bombarded with millions of images and pain, all at the same time. Even the usual grounding techniques don't work at times.

What do you do then?

You want to scream and fight hard to not snap. Why? Because you can't give up.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Everything is Draining

For a long time, you fight and fight to not fall apart. Then suddenly, you have nothing to fall behind, and everything comes out all at once. For almost a week, no dreams. Now though, nightmares have come back. What are all of the reasons why? My system is processing trauma again?

You feel at times almost paralyzed. You just want to be safe in your own home. You have to protect yourself.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Lots of Struggle

As more appointments happen, we still struggle with symptoms. Also, at times paralyzing fear. You turn everything off, get into bed and curl up desperately trying to feel safe. You hold onto something solid and try to rock back and forth. You feel like everything is a threat. You can't trust anyone. You can barely move, because if you do you'll be bombarded with pain. If you roll onto one side, the psycho rapist is behind you. You have to fight back.

Is it safe to get out of bed? Is anyone else in the apartment? If you can, you get up and search every room to make sure that nobody else is there. Sometimes my multiples and little kid are scared, and I try to reassure them. Many times they feel like everyone and everywhere is a threat. They're in a dysfunctional system full of mentally ill "immediate family". You're getting bombatded with abuse and pain all the time. There's never a break. Which means you have to fight really hard to try and keep some sense of balance. You don't want to attack anyone. You're not a threat to either yourself or anyone else. But you can only take so much pain.

You fight hard to try and not dissociate. Even as you do that, you scream and fight to not black out. In the past, the stress was so high that my system literally shorted out. Then you wake up and have no idea of where you are. Will that happen again? Fortunately it hasn't. But at times you feel like you will black out.

Can I trust anyone? Is everyone out to lie to us? What the fuck do you REALLY  want? I was evaluated by a psychiatrist about two years ago. She said, in my opinion your symptoms are the same as a Navy Seal who's done hundreds of ultra dangerous tours non-stop, and never got the proper treatment. Now, you're dealing with the long term consequences of that. At times, paralyzing fear. Flashbacks and visions of your own death. I don't have a death wish. But I do have to fight really hard to not fall apart and just not care any more. 

I don't want to die. I don't want to hurt anybody else. But the despair is paralyzing. You can't control other horrible people. But I will do everything I have to to protect myself.

Hold onto something solid. Use the environment around you to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Set boundaries where necessary. You have to protect yourself.

You scream at times and want to kill everyone who gets in your way. But you won't. Despite that, the thoughts are still there.

You have to do the right thing. You have to protect yourself. I'm stuck. Don't know what else to say.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Getting Bombarded from all Sides

How has your week been? Here, it's been exhausting fighting symptoms (both heart and PTSD). Sometimes in the middle of the day, you just sit and want peace and quiet. My doctor says no exercise beyond walking until your next cardiology appointment. Which means you really have to pay attention to how you feel, and not take anything  for granted.

How you deal with flashbacks? Weird thoughts come out of nowhere. I'm in a crowded place with lots of little kids, and the thought comes to mind about raping one. I got raped, so I'll do it to them. No I won't. I'm not a sick twisted pedophile psycho. So why do I have these thoughts? No. The other person wants to rape me and then kill me. So instead of that, I'll rape and kill him first. No, I don't want to do that. I'm not gay or bi. If someone else is, that's none of my business. Again, why do I have these thoughts coming out of nowhere?

Do I want to get a gun and kill everyone who laughed at me and treated me like shit? The thought is there. But no, I won't. You want to protect yourself. Nobody else will do it for you. You have to do it.

Can we trust anybody? Is everybody lying to you when they say they're concerned? I really don't want to end up being a burned out, cynical monster who doesn't give a fuck about anything. Instead, you want to feel like you have some sense of balance.

Abandonment. Grief. Sadness. Despair. One minute you feel like you have some sense of calm. Then, you can barely move. Then again, if it doesn't come out in one way, it comes out in others.

You scream and fight to not fall apart. You can't sit back and do nothing. You just want to feel safe.