Sunday, March 31, 2013


Happy Easter, and how's your weekend? For man, it's a long holiday. For others, maybe not so long, but still a nice break.

Here, it's been a busy week. Another job interview, and we start a new part-time job this week. Now, it's find daytime hours to fill out the schedule, cover the bills and more. There's also what feels like endless body pain and despair. All of our reputable mental health sources say it's not unexpected at all for this to come out, considering what you've been through. Untreated PSTD symptoms for a long time.

There's also anger and a feeling of abandonment. You fight every day to not give into despair and fall apart. You check yourself into a psych ward because you think you're suicidal, and then you realize you're not (kind of like Billy Joel's story about Bell View). You fight your way out, and practically everyone who says they care about you don't even acknowledge that you're there. No call, no visits, no human contact even after you get out.

Does anybody care if I'm alive?

Women rape survivors need help. Yet, in all of the current talk about women rape survivors getting help, being heard and more, does ANYONE talk about guy survivors? I don't have exactly the same needs as a woman survivor. Yet, I still count.

How come the world doesn't want to admit that?

I have body memory and severe pain. I have body memory of the psycho rapist going down on me, or cumming inside me. You desperately want to wash that away and feel clean and "normal". All normal human beings want to feel validated and not like dirt.

Nobody wants to hear that on social media. The "progressive" media? Not a chance.

Does anybody care what happens to me?

Sunday, March 24, 2013

One View of Dissociating

Everybody has a different story about trauma. Nobody heals at the same rates, or has the same history to deal with. But the struggle affects everyone.

In my case, dissociating is one of the hardest things to handle. There's mild dissociating (daydreaming), and then there's violent dissociating. Then, you don't know where you are and fight to not black out.

You black out have no idea what your multiple personalities are doing or saying. Then, you wake up and don't know what happened. How do you apologize for that?

When I open my eyes in the morning, many times it's on four hours or less sleep. You try to focus your energy to be able to literally shock yourself awake. If you don't, you feel like you're in parallel universes all day long.

Now imagine doing that every day for a really long time.

On bad days, it almost feels like you have no control over it. It's a barrier that you have to get past. Otherwise, you have no idea of where you are.

Are meds the answer? In my opinion, no. Why? Because they're a band aid and don't help the problem. Is this because of something that one of my multiples or little kid hasn't been able to talk about? I don't know.

The point is it's there. Go to a job interview and fight to not cry or black out.

We know it's not our fault. As terrifying as this is at times, it's not abnormal in any way. Exhausting yes. Also, a normal response in trying to cope with and heal from horribly severe and untreated PTSD symptoms.

What helps you to keep your focus?

Friday, March 22, 2013

It is Friday

Time to stay home for a while to clean and get ready for another open job interview tomorrow. We're trying to keep in mind cover your bases and keep your balance as best you can.

Body pain and despair are still there. On the other hand, it's not our fault. If you have a choice to dissociate and disappear, go the other way and see what happens.

Keep your balance.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Please Leave a Message

Staying in tonight after a long day of fighting symptoms, job hunting and trying not to give into despair. It's one of those days where you need a break from the rolling news and power mix sets on corporate radio (Pit Bull, 7 times this hour whether you like it or not!).

Right now, I just want some quiet. You have at times the urge to post something. Yet, you stop and think to yourself, am I recycling what's already been recycled at least 10 times? What's the point?

Do you feel that you can disconnect when you need to? Being connected due to work is one thing. However, even Obama needs to have some private time. Besides, he still hasn't called. And probably won't. But that's all right.

If you're looking for someone with all of the answers to yours or the world's problems, I can't do it. One reason why is that I have to protect not only myself, but my little kid and multiples as well. There's too much pain to handle all at once.

The moral? Care, but care about your protection first.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A Breakthrough(Contains Graphic Content. Read at your own risk)

Went to my counselor earlier today, and maybe a breakthrough. Unitentionally, do you find that you censor yourself when you feel the need to talk about your trauma (whatever it might be)? Maybe it's because nobody seems to care, or it's just too explicit to talk about. Why then would anybody listen? Better to just not talk about it. I think for a while I've been doing that.

We talked about it, and I made it clear to her that that was in no way a slam on her ability as a counselor. After that, I decided that I'd take a somatic approach. Face it head on as much as you can and get it out thru various ways. 

Why would you feel the need to censor yourself on something that's not your fault?

The feeling of being paralyzed.
The feeling of being trapped.
Nobody's going to come in and save you from the psycho pedophile.
Every sensation (sight, sound, color, feeling) is scary to deal with.
The sensation(s) of the pedophile as he's behind you raping you.
Screaming as he rapes you and nobody can hear you.
He cums inside your anus, and there's no cop there with a rape kit. Nobody takes you to
the hospital to help you. No prosecutor is ready to put them away for life.

Nobody helps you. Nobody seems to care. Am I inconveniencing you by talking about something
that's not my fault?

Women rape survivors are tolerated by society (for lack of a better phrase). Yet, guys don't exist. How many times recently have you heard various people talk about the Steubenville verdict, rape survivors in the military, and in other places? Not once do you hear any talk about guy survivors. Football players are being robbed of their future NFL careers. How totally sad is that? Nothing about the girl who got raped.

Friday Night Football in a small town is an excuse to rape someone? REALLY? In 2013, there are people who actually believe that.

I can't control what others do and say. However, I will do everything I can to protect my health and self esteem. Part of that is to face head on the full horror of being raped. It's not because I get off on being a professional client or love trauma. It's because that needs to be faced. The fact that I didn't for so long doesn't mean I'm a failure in any way. Instead, that's part of surviving. 

Regardless of where you are in your healing, do you still have body pain and other symptoms? Do you feel guilty in some way for being raped? 

I've been fighting PTSD every day since I've been raped. At times, it feels like 98% of the world still doesn't care. Then again, if you don't want to admit that I exist, that's your problem. 

I feel sad, abandoned and much of the time in acute pain. On the other hand, it's not my fault.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Working for Some Focus

Another almost sleepless night of nightmares and acute body pain. Also, vivid and terrifying sensations about being raped. I keep trying to remind myself, the  psycho rapists aren't there. Yet, the body pain is.

Now, just trying to keep some sense of focus and balance. Some formerly favorite foods are just way too triggering. How do we cook without this stuff? You can do it, and in some cases actually save money. Which is one way to look at it.

As for symptoms and other problems, we just try to bear in mind that it's not our fault. As terrifying as this is, none of it is abnormal in any way. If others choose to say and do horrible stuff (emphasis on choice), I'm not responsible for that. On the other hand, I am responsible for protecting my health and self esteem. Which I will continue to do.

If you check the map on our opening page, you can see the global reach of this blog. We're now in almost all 50 states and almost 50 countries. Others at times ask, why continue to speak out? The answer is a basic human need to be heard. Nobody asks to be traumatized and then ignored. As long as it's not a threat to either my safety or someone else, I'll keep doing this.

Tip for the day. Try to lower the acidic content in your diet. I can't scientifically prove it. But in my case lowering it to help your p/h balance helps to control PTSD symptoms to an extent. You still have bad days with emptiness, feelings of abandonment and more. Despite that, just keep in mind that you're telling the truth. And that's all that matters.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

One View on the Steubenville Rape Verdict

Our regular readers here know that normally we don't get into progressive political stuff UNLESS it deals directly with trauma and helping survivors in some way. Today it's time to break that rule and talk about what's a growing international story.

In Steubenville, Ohio two high school football players have been found guilty of raping a 16-year old high school girl. Despite that, some in the MSM are questioning the verdict. Some seem to have an attitude of was this the correct decision? Is this really legally rape, or something else? Others bring up the small town environment. Like that's an excuse in some way to rape someone?

Naturally as this story spreads, more are talking about it thru various social media. Several apparently mean well and are making valid points about way to change current attitudes in society about what is rape and what isn't. However, for whatever reason there are others that just don't get it.

With that in mind, let's talk about several points that NOBODY will touch.

This happened in a small town. What does that mean? Just because high school football is one of the BIG things there, it's okay to blow off some steam and rape a 16 year old?

She asked for it. Look at how she was dressed and how she acted.

Other points.
It's a "conspiracy" to frame two innocent high schoolers. REALLY? Where's the proof of that?

Just because you get drunk it's then okay to say F**K YEAH! RAPE THE S**T OUT OF HER! If you don't believe this happens, check the latest You Tube clips.

What if it was two guys convicted of raping a 16 year old guy? Would the MSM, cable news shows or any talk shows anywhere give this 1/100th the megahype coverage they've given it? Think back to Penn State and the Sandusky case. He goes to jail and then what happens? Paterno's family commissions an "independent" inquiry. The indirect message? Screw everybody that dared to trash Joe Paterno's name. He was GOD at Penn State. And this is how you say thanks for everything he did?

Now, tell that to the innocent kids that Sandusky raped the s**t out of. Tell that to the 16 year old girl that got raped.

Some facts that people are either missing, or deliberately can't be bothered with:

Both women and men get raped.
Straight men get raped by other straight men.
Innocent little kids (both boys and girls) get raped by both men and women.
Men get raped by women.
Gay, lesbian and LGBT people get raped.

One part of the problem is that many people refuse to deal with the previous paragraph. If it's a woman getting raped, that fits into a nice neat soundbite. If it doesn't, f**k it. We don't have time for it.

Right. Which means that all of these other people that DIDN'T ASK TO BE RAPED just don't count?
If your refuse to deal with all aspects of this problem, you're actually making it worse.

Am I the only one that sees that?

I'm a guy rape survivor who still has PTSD symptoms. This is after being treated by a therapist and seeing three counselors. There is no magic cure for this. Many mental health sources that I trust say that it never completely goes away.

Does anyone in the corporate MSM think about it? No. What's more important? Actually doing your job? Or, just thinking in soundbites and following the "we are running a business" mentality?

What's one of the underlying reasons for trying to let these football players off the hook? Because much of society can't deal with the fact that guys get raped. If a woman gets raped, that's one thing. But if a guy does, f**k it. I don't wanna deal with that s**t.

And all of these "experts" wonder why more rape survivors don't come forward and report what is a serious crime. Is pedophilia just a "psychological condition", or a serious crime?

Apprently, these are all points that much of society just can't be bothered with. Maybe that's the saddest part of all in this.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Where Do You Turn? (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

A long week of job hunting, despair, feeling abandoned and now someone saying that pedophilia isn't a "criminal offense". How the **** do you respond to THAT?

As our long term readers know (and for anyone new), I have multiple personalities and my little kid. This is a perfectly normal survival response to being raped or any severe trauma. People have different views about re-integration. I look at it like this connection is important to all of us.

For a long time, unintentionally I didn't listen to them. Imagine an innocent little kid who's attacked and cries for years hoping that Mom, Dad or someone will pay attention and help. But nobody does. Finally though, I did and it took a long time for them to start to trust me. Now I'm proud to say that they do and we value this connection.

What's the hardest part of being a rape survivor? One would be the despair that never seems to go away. You feel paralyzed with despair and a feeling of abandonment. You know it's not your fault. Yet, 99% of the world can't be bothered to pay attention or to care that you're alive.

I'm telling the truth when I talk about being a rape survivor. That's not the only thing I am. But it is part of me.

Why do others say and do horrible things? I don't know. However, I do know that I will protect my health and my self esteem. Nobody else will do it.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Getting Hit Really Hard (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

All of my mental health sources tell me the same thing. Considering the horrible trauma you went thru and didn't deal with for a long time (for whatever reasons), it's understandable that it's coming out now.

How is it coming out? Aside from the "standard" mix of PTSD symptoms, another part of it is terrifying flashbacks where you literally feel like you're THIS CLOSE to dying. And nobody will listen, help you or care. You don't want to literally dissolve away and never be seen again. It's like you vanish and then you have no idea of who's taking over and what they're saying or doing. You have to fight really hard to keep what is the core of your personality, if you will from vanishing.

Horrible pain in every part of your body. You scream and nobody listens. Nobody comes running into the room with a weapon to save you. You look for a weapon in the room, but there's nothing there.

How then do you fight back?

One way is for your fight-or-flight mechanism to freeze. Time seems distorted, and you can't move. On the other hand, you're still alive. You feel like a piece of garbage. But you're still alive.

Then, you still feel like a piece of trash. Nobody comes in to help you. Nobody says to call the cops. Nobody says to do a rape kit exam (how many guy survivors are given a rape kit exam?). We were given none of that.

You don't want to hurt either yourself or someone else. Which means you have to fight back. Meanwhile, every day you're getting bombarded with abuse everywhere you turn. Can you trust anybody, or not?

You can't let up for a second. Now, try living under that stress for years and years.

Now, split second flashbacks happen and we scream because of anal pain. It's like every molecule in your body is in pain. However, nobody will listen or save you.

Is it because they just can't be bothered?
Do they care if you're alive?

It's not my job to psychoanalyze them. They chose to do and say horrible things. Now, they have to live with the consequences.

I don't want to hurt myself or anybody else. Having said that, on bad days we just cry all day long. There's despair and a feeling of abandonment. Will anyone notice that we're alive? That's not a suicidal threat. That's expressing a common feeling among survivors.

I don't know what else to say.

Monday, March 11, 2013

It's a Mix of Stuff

Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. It's been a really rough week. Everything from job interviews to not getting any sleep at night from anger and other symptoms coming out. Now, let's catch up.

We try to keep in mind that we have no control over what others say and do. Odds are that Obama won't call back, even if we did get the Oval Office number. It also amazes me how cruel
various people can be without apparently any comprehension or sign of empathy whatsoever.

Despite all that, what helps frankly not just give in and off yourself?

First, despite all the terror of symptoms, abandonment and what others do and say, I know (and my multiples and little kid also know) that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't ask to be humiliated and laughed at while we're in horrible pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest things
to deal with in our healing. How anybody could be capable of that.

We've literally had to fight every single day since we got raped to survive. 99% of the world couldn't be bothered to listen or to take us seriously. It's like being attacked every single day. Nobody's going to listen or care.

How then do you survive?

One answer? Nobody forces others who for whatever reasons decide to do and say cruel things. They choose to do it. Which means that like everybody else, they're responsible for what they do and say. It's not my job to be their therapist and fix this for them. They have to live with the consequences.

On really bad days, we just turn things off and cry all day long. You feel like an empty shell and go thru the day doing various things. If someone asks usual things (how are you, did you find everything you need and more), you smile and respond with the usual responses to get out of there. It's not the normal ups and downs that we all deal with. It's endless despair. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try to focus and then sit. Everything still feels black.

What do you do then?

Many times we just rock back and forth. My multiples and little kid like that, and not always but many times it helps. Why? Because since we've been raped, we've only had ONE person actually give us a non-threatening reassuring hug and actually mean it when they said I'm sorry you were raped.

If that's only happened once in your entire life, what kind of effect does that have on you? You could say everybody's different. Therefore there's no way to really answer that. While everyone is different, from a survivor's perspective that's dodging the question.

What then does help? Maybe just breaking things down into small segments. How do I get thru the next ten seconds without blacking out? How do I cope with horrible feelings of abandonment? Like literally no one can be bothered to admit that you exist.

How would you cope with that?

Anyway, again sorry to be away for a while. I'll try to keep up here as regularly as I can. Any complaints about this, please blame (a) the economy, (b) politicians. Or (c) both a and b.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


It's a mix of good and scary stuff. Two job interviews earlier today. Possibly another one in the next few days. Also, despair and at times not knowing what to do.

You feel paralyzed. You try to ground yourself, but that doesn't always work. What do you do then?

Flashbacks to horrible abuse happen. How come nobody helped us? What's real and what isn't? We can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Keep your self control.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Global Sequestration

Welcome to Sequestration Cut Friday. For anyone who doesn't know, these are government cuts that Obama has to sign into law in the next 31 minutes (as we post this). Then, no matter how people spin these, they will happen and affect the global economy.

Now, onto other stuff.

Too cold to go out tonight. Instead, stay in with some nice herbal tea and Net radio. Went to a job fair earlier today (does the rest of the world say "job fair" when various emplyers gather in one place?). Had 8 interviews, and now more leads. Cover all your bases, and have as many options as possible.

As we walked around, at times it was hard to focus. No violent dissociating. However, symptoms are still there. Like any trauma survivor, we want to protect ourselves and go in the most positive direction we can.

That doesn't mean that nightmares aren't still there. It doesn't mean that lucid dreams aren't still there that we have to fight out way out of. Body pain is still there as well.

What else is still there? Flashbacks to horrible dissociating after being raped. You know something's wrong, but you're not sure what it is. You're scared to go to sleep at night. Will you wake up? Why do the same horrible things keep happening? Does anybody hear us trying to scream? How come nobody's there?

Nobody will touch you or reassure you in any way. Do all trauma survivors go thru this?

We use lots of drugs and other things to try and escape from horrible pain. But it only makes it worse.

Nobody's listening. Abuse is everywhere. On the other hand, we refuse to just roll over and die.

Nobody's paying attention. Do we also have to cure ourselves as well?

While you can't control what others do and say, normal human beings that didn't ask to be tortured can only take so much.

Now, at times it feels like there's some clarity. When that happens, not always but many times everything feels black. Not to the point that we'll say that's enough and off ourselves. We'll never make that mistake. Having said that, you have to protect yourself at all costs. Hopefully, where you are in the world isn't to the point where you have to take a gun with you everywhere you go. Will someone attack you? Is someone following you? Are you going to be killed on the job today?

Be selective where you post. Not all but many comment sections are trolls attacking each other because that's what trolls do (whether you're paid for it or not). Do you really want to be part of that?

We're just trying to cope with the despair and feeling of abandonment. Hope it's better in your part of the world.